yellowdress

shining/simran

2010-12-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

i have long seen you standing away, away
dear one
dear one

you look away, away
dear one

to me you are the sun undiscovered
the moon and the stars shine for you
the blackest night is to you an ocean
that welcomes you into the warmth of its arms

the stardust will fall on your face there..
i can see it glistening in your eyes
heavenward - you shine like the ember
in my heart

i remember you, dear one

can you feel it?
the light welcomes you into the warmth of its arms
shimmering shining, in the light you never fade
you will always be away, away and so close...

(for Dan)

one of my favorite quotes

2010-07-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

Chariots of Fire (1981)

Eric Liddell: You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, "Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me." If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race.

talking about forgiveness

2010-05-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

   "Most people think of forgiveness as spineless passivity, but I began to look at it as tremendous empowerment. My breakthrough came when I realized that nothing took more divine power than forgiveness, and therefore nothing was more powerful than forgiving. You will never use your own volition--the force of your will--more dramatically than when you AGREE with GOD to START forgiving. Forgiveness is not about feeling. It's about WILLING. No Stronger force exists. Forgiveness was the force that kept Jesus Christ, by His own submission, nailed to that cross. He could have taken Himself down in a split second. He could have called upon every archangel in the heavens, armed and ready. Had He said the word, the seas would have swallowed the earth in one gulp.
   Forgiveness is not passivity, dear one. It is power. It is the ability to withstand the pressing, quaking gates of hell. Take this power and wield it. It's your right as a child of God. In the power of Jesus, first you will it and soon you'll feel it. Start today, confirm it tomorrow. And keep confirming it by faith as the will of God for you in Christ Jesus until you walk in it by sight. You don't have to have a background like me to resist passivity as your response to wrongdoing. You can resist it just as readily when responding to abandonment by a spouse or the betrayal of a friend.
   The Christian experience teems with so many paradoxes. Among them is the fact that IT TAKES FAR MORE STRENGTH AND PERSONAL FORTITUDE TO FALL ON OUR KNEES AND SUBMIT TO GOD THAN TO STAND AND FIGHT OUR ENDLESS BATTLES FOR SIGNIFICANCE. Don't let anyone make you think that forgiveness is a covenant with weakness. Nothing demands more elbow grease and thrusting your arms forward and giving God the solitary right to vengeance."
(B. Moore, Integrity Publishers, 2007, p. 33-34).

I hope this encourages you as much as it did me. It's awesome to think that it's not an easy thing to forgive and that you are NOT a weak person if you do. Nothing takes more strength than forgiveness. Releasing forgiveness to someone who has harmed you, is definitely almost always an undeserved gift. But, it is a gift that will just keep giving back so much good to the one who gives it away to others.

7 undeniable needs

2010-04-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

7 Undeniable Needs of the Human Heart:

1. To be heard and understood

2. To be praised

3. To be validated

4. To belong

5. To be chosen

6. To be safe

7. To experience non-sexual touch

As I survey the list of "Undeniable Needs of the Human Heart", my heart actually sinks a little. For the majority of my childhood and teenage years, 6 out of the 7 needs in that list were not met. This thought alone leaves me wondering: how many people have experienced what I experienced? How many people have lived the majority of their life having almost none of their needs met? By the time I was 20 years old I had actually reached the point where I had learned how not to have needs. That is so sad. Forget Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I feel slightly ripped off that Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs is what teens were/are taught in highschool. The list of the "7 Undeniable Needs of the Human Heart" is far closer to what resonates with what the majority of people really need.

It seems like this saying has been said a million and a half times but, the truth remains: hurt people hurt people. The challenge for me personally is to not bemoan the fact that when I was growing up my needs weren't met by the people that were "supposed" to love me, but instead I want to surround myself with people who can help me meet my needs now. I can't do anything about the past, the only power I have is to change the now - my present. I have a choice to see the past for what it was, to learn from it and move on. I have the choice to focus on a more positive present and future. I'm glad the love of God gives me so much hope and joy to the point where I feel like life is actually worth living. The awesome thing is that when you are getting poured into, you can pour out so much to other people too. When your needs are getting met, you will inevitably be able to meet other peoples needs.

So if you're needs aren't getting met you may want to ask yourself:

Is this a healthy relationship?

Am I asking too much or having hidden expectations?
What needs should I rely solely on God to fill and what can I expect other people to fill?

Am I telling the other person in this relationship what I want/need?

Am I asking them questions about where they are at or am I assuming I know what they think/how they feel?

Am I willing to listen to the truth at the cost of it not being what I want to hear?

Am I willing to forgive someone who has let me down in the past?

These are just a few questions I am asking myself in my relationships with friends, my husband etc. In the end, if I ask these kinds of questions I will be able to love myself, and others better. I will have my needs met and be able to meet others as well.

No matter what the past looked like - today is a beautiful opportunity to shine, love and dance the pants off the past!

trust the gardener

2010-02-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

Some days are simply beautiful. Some days have this magical way of being mellifluous. Everything is right in the world, (or at least it seems to be so). Still, there are the other days - the kind that eviscerate the mind, leaving one perplexed that we live in a world that is so excruciatingly unkind. It is on a day like today that makes me realize how much I need Jesus, and how His beautiful love is so much more meaningful and constructive than an easy day where everything seems to be going right. I am growing, because I am hurting, and through my pain, I can see the hands of love reaching out to me, touching me in the deepest places of my soul.

Take a look around. I know it may seem like it, but no one is perfect. We are all existing in various stages of acceptance of our own history, actions, hurts, triumphs and defeats. We all have a journey to go on, we all have people to forgive, battles to win, pain to acknowledge, insecurities to overcome.. I tend to agree with the statement that the measure of a person is not defined by what they achieve, but by the things they overcome. When I look at my life through the truth of that statement, I see myself as being much more of a success than if I was just looking at my life through my achievements. If I never win a gold medal, if I never see the dreams I have accomplished, if I never get to see another day in this life, I will still be full of love and hope because of the things I have overcome. God has helped me, and we have done it together, we have been a team, we have been a family, we have been father and daughter, and He is has never left me or forsaken me. He has fought my dragons with me, and we have stood in victory over the things that were intended to choke out my life, as they lay dead on the ground.

I am more than a conquerer in Christ. Just listen to that statement as you read it in your mind. I am MORE than a conquerer in Christ. There is so much power in that statement, because it is the truth. Jesus is the hero that we need. He is the only one who will stay when everyone around us bails, when people let us down, when life gets really really difficult, He stays. He is the one who will fight with us as we come to terms with the fact that our battles have been won. We can stand firm in Him and together, and take the ground that was ours in the first place..

Don't be discouraged if you have a life that looks like a bunch of weeds right now. Remember that there is someone who will help you pull out all of those weeds.. every single one. Even if it takes years to remove one weed, He will be there with you through that process. You have a garden, your soul and your spirit are yours to tend to. That garden was intended, dreamed, breathed and spoken into being by the most beautiful person who has ever existed. He dreams beauty and calls beauty into being, and you are intended to be that beautiful garden.. What is, is only temporary - but what is eternal is that beauty, that dream, that purpose, existing outside of space and time.. waiting. We need God to become connected to who we truly are. We can't do it without Him.. in Him we live, move, and have our being. God doesn't see you as being your weeds, He sees you as being the beautiful things He planted in your garden when He created you. Some of those things haven't ever even been cultivated yet. So don't give up, don't stop believing that He loves you - all of you - and though you may feel a certain way, it doesn't change the truth of who you are in Him. His truth exists outside of emotion and feeling.. His truth stands.

I am praying that we, as His people, would not give up, but would be faithful to keep going, even when it becomes painful to look at the weeds that have been allowed to grow. Keep your focus, keep your faith and hope in Him and trust Him.. let His healing hands of love help you do the work.

How I love His hands of kindness... how much He has given for me.. more and more I am realizing, He is the one that deserves all of my trust... He is the relentless gardener who will never give up, never tell me I'm too far gone.. I am so thankful for a God who loves me so much..

the only one

2010-02-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

I have found it beneath the texture of the tangible
In your ear,
Under the skin of your arm
Below the apex of your heart
The soles of your feet and the palms of your hands
Held between the free expanse of enclosed arms
Listening to your chest
Waiting as hope beats through your ribs and into my ear
Sailing on the peaceful waters there...

This joy is consuming
Sacred and strong
Whispering to me

I have your love

a green feeling color

2010-01-21T17:07:00.000-08:00

I was alone at the beginning of my life

Then God touched my soul. He made it breath, made it feel and love.

I saw the colorful view, I saw everything but I could not see it through His eyes.

Sometimes I would hear Him whisper to me in the silence, and I would look around.

Sometimes I would run to find him.

I would stare at the sky – was He in the clouds? The stillness? The rain?

The comfort of the grass beneath my feet led me to an open meadow where the grass grew tall and green

That field was vast and quiet.. and I could smell the clay that the grass was growing in

It was a world apart.. no one else knew

I wondered if God was in the clay - if He was holding the grassy meadow together like that earth.

Was it Him, holding me together?

Were His kisses beneath my feet, like that damp earth?

Did I know what it meant to be loved?

That was God’s field - but He gave it to me

It always seemed to ask me the same questions: Have you seen His face, have you seen the things He has made?

No, I would think, I have not seen Him.. but I know Him..

I know how much more beautiful He must be than the things His hands have made

Can beauty heal?

Now I know it can

His beauty, His life, truth, strength, purity, joy... forgiveness and mercy

Forever and ever and ever

He is the fairytale come true

Sometimes now, I can see things through His view..

And I don't ever want to leave that place

perywinkle

2009-05-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

hidden walls of indifference

i thought i could break every one

but mercy surrounded me

i have come undone.

ample.

love.

love.

captivating mystery..

silence.

how i long for your still small voice

catch me now.

lift the veil..

you long to see the tears.

don't hide your face

nothing can replace you..

spark

2009-04-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

all the taken for granted days are gone

listless and homesick, they will sleep in someone else's bed

for i am convinced of truth, life and eternity

the hope filled heart, these joyful narrow steps

leading me away from sorrow

to love and openness

i hold it in my hands darling

something i cannot see

but i hold is nonetheless

so free..

keep it: keep your spark

and when the night comes

let it go into the sky black and blue and wide

and smile to remember this love..

its permanence and simplicity

soft and gentle as petals falling from the sky

the light surrounds us: we are free.

who are you listening to?

2009-02-24T11:52:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on the edge of my boyfriend's hospital bed today just looking at his beautiful face.. I can't tell you how thankful I am to Jesus for watching over him. In situations when we don't have the power to control anything or do anything to help someone get well.. it's so amazing to see how Jesus cares for them on our behalf.

I believe that death has no power to stop me from living my life in Christ. I believe that there is nothing I cannot overcome through the power that Jesus has given me. The impossible is possible with God. And I am believing Him for some really big miracles right now. Outside of trusting in God's grace and ability and honoring Him by how I live my life, I can't do anything to heal myself or anyone else. It's all Him, it's all Jesus. Dark thoughts have been near to me these past few days, and all I can do is claim the truth of the word of God. It's so true that the word of God is like a double edged sword. I am so glad it is, I'm getting to see God work through His word in my heart and it makes me very excited! Lies can creep in so subtly - without even realizing it. I often find that I start to listen to, and believe my thoughts without taking them to God and measuring them against His love and the things He has told me. But then, when I do, wow, it is so amazing!

That's why I love His word... it is such an encouragement.. to look at all the people who overcame and were part of the impossible becoming possible. It's amazing to see that the most pivotal people in the stories of the Bible were completely helpless without the strength and power of God. That fact alone makes me feel so inspired! I can do nothing except tell God that I am willing. I am willing to be soft to His will and do what He tells me to. I don't have anything I can do.. all I have is surrender.. and, as the days go by, God is making it very clear to me that surrender is all He needs of me in order to accomplish His will in me and through me. I am weak, but He is strong and His banner over me is love. He is all we need. His love can see us through anything.. I'm not even going to pretend that I could do this without Him. Every victory is His.. and I am so looking forward to the other side of these battles when I can look back and see how beautiful, perfect and amazing His plan was all along...

this is joy

2009-02-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I know much about a lot of things. In fact, I know that I have much to learn... and today, I was able to see things like I've never seen them before. It's funny how prayer brings clarity and perspective to all that we doubt or find confusing. Not only prayer, but the sweet whisper of Jesus, brings so much calm and enlightenment.. Due to the fact that I am sensitive, I often notice the little things people do - both good and bad. Today I found myself confronted by a couple of fears about what people thought of me.. Sometimes when people aren't sensitive, they say and do things that can be very hurtful. To make matters worse, when we feel hurt, we can often say things to ourselves that are untrue.
Today I was reminded that no matter what people say, or how we perceive their words or actions, it's so important to go to Jesus to bring truth and light into the situation. He reminded me that I will always be swayed by opinions, feelings, hear-say etc unless I bring things to Him. He is steadfast and He won't waiver.. I need Him to tell me what the truth is because there are so many opinions; it can be very hard to choose who to listen to. As soon as I begin asking myself, "who is right" I get so confused because there's so many different perspectives. One thing I do know is that God is not only right, He is the source of right. He is the source of peace, truth, hope and love. His answers are sure, stable and true. Today Jesus reminded me of the things he has told me, which made the comments of the people I encountered and the feelings I had - virtually irrelevant. It's amazing how hurt, misunderstanding and lies can bounce off of His grace and love! What a feeling of freedom to know that no matter what someone says, or how they treat you, it can't change what Jesus has done, and what He has spoken to you!!! What a powerful feeling.. that in my weakness, insecurity and doubt, HE speaks to the core of my being, and brings truth and freedom - and in that, there is so much strength and peace.. It makes me so happy to know that His truth is higher. That is a fact. So much of what we consider truth is formulated by our own paradigms and beliefs... But His truth lasts forever, and is firmer than the foundations of the earth! It's so amazing to carry this truth in my heart.. no one can argue it, debate it or take it away from me. It's mine and it's His.. He gives truth to me, and I will treasure it every time He gives me more.. I can't help but sigh at His amazing love and grace.. He is so good.. and I am so glad that there is one person in the world who completely understands me and won't ever treat me carelessly... Jesus.. You are SO wonderful - how You fill my heart with JOY!

spoken

2009-02-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

How your kindness moves inside my soul
How your love seeps deep into my heart.
I don't deserve your goodness, your grace.
When I finally turned to face the light
..I was loved, all of this time..
My heart cracked and broken inside me -
Why did I fight you day and night
Moment by moment, I sought my own demise.
Unwittingly partnering with destruction.
Now I see his ugly mangled face for what it is..
The black tar of death, his cloak covering the truth.
His charade cannot hold me back..
It holds no sway over me now.
You are all I see.
Your presence surrounds me day and night.
Soft as petals, gentle as the rain in the spring.
Jesus, you are Beautiful and unlike any other..
You keep loving me... I will never have enough
Until my body and soul break apart -
And nothing can hold you inside me anymore
You have made me like the stars in the heavens
Given me wings like the angels
And love to light a thousand fires..
Burn the dross from my spirit
And dress me in eternity...
I want to see you
I want to touch you and taste you and know you
The secrets you keep and the places you go...
You are more real to me than anything I have ever known.
Take me to where your house is
Let me live in the rooms there - I will walk in the open places
I can't help but stare at the skies of heaven with you - nothing separating us
Our memories never fade, this love lives forever.

on the even side of hope

2009-01-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

When the hope around your

Heart has gone black
I am here
Step into the light and
Walk with me through
the pensive door
Our solemn passage
to that shore
Where warmth and love
Never die
Where hope is eternal
and the light returns to your eyes..

These tears of truth
Will make us forget
The lie we once lived
Give me your hand
Walk with me into the light
Let this joy live in you
It is yours
Forever
For always
Run with me
Don't look back
Can you see it?
Hope lives here
All the flowers and all the songs
Dance in the morning air
Hope lives here
and I am falling into it again and again...

You're Beautiful

2008-12-21T23:05:00.000-08:00

As I listened to this song for the first time, I felt my spirit respond in a very tangible way to how incredible it will be to see Jesus face to face one day... When we actually think about how beautiful He is, how absolutely captivating, intoxicating and exquisite He is - it forces me to gain a depth of understanding regarding the perspective I have of people, circumstances and life in general.. What can compare to Him? Who can compare with Him? I am so blessed by the beauty of love He has bestowed upon me, the life He has given me... and I love how Phil Wickham describes Gods' beauty in this song. I think that if you let the words sink in, you'll understand what I mean...

.You're Beautiful.

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful

I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful

I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful

before and after

2008-12-06T20:18:00.001-08:00

There is love where giants hide
In the middle of the room, in the middle of my heart
And the night time speaks a sorrowful song
Of things broken, of joy unshaken.

I was there, face to face. I will never forget that moment
The coldness seeped in through the bottom of my toes
Numbing to the lungs. The frost slipped out of my mouth
Becoming the tears I couldn't reveal...
after all this time..

Do you hear the noise in my heart
Pounding so violently at the thought of this
I am so disappointed with the world.
Twisted innocence
Tainted love
All the tortured memories.

I watch them as they go to Your hands: my comfort
Let the giants sink beneath the waves...
Let me watch them drown and choke:
For they have tried to strangle the life from me..

Thoughtlessly - indifferently.. they have inflicted their pain
Their cruelty was my comfort before I met You
When I finally looked into Your eyes Jesus..
All I could see was the truth..
It was You

You have led me tenderly.. purposefully..
I know You will never leave.
You have burned my heart with Your promises..
Let me feel the fire of Your truth, the hope of Your restoration.
The permanence of Your love...

Beauty was restored the moment You spoke my name
It was You who held me through the nights so full of tears.
It was You who shook the foundations of my frame
It was You, who carried this cross for me

You have awoken my heart
Your hands have healed my scars and clothed my body
Even now You enfold my heart
How can brokenness mean this much to You?

That You would care enough to stay
To see beauty restored and life flow through me
I don't understand Your goodness
There is nothing else for me... all I want is You.

I am drawn to You, in love: and it sets me free.

encouragement

2008-12-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. Psalm 42:5

O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places Psalm 43:3

RESTING IN THE LOVE OF GOD

God ministers to broken and aching hearts in a variety of ways. The Holy Spirit touches our lives through:

ASSURANCE...

See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for he allows us to be called His children -- think of it -- and we really are! But since most people don’t know God, naturally they don’t understand that we are His children. 1 John 3:1 TLB

That is why I am suffering here in jail, and I am certainly not ashamed of it, for I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to safely guard all that I have given him until the day of his return. 2 Timothy 1: 12

COMFORT...

But even so, you love me! You are holding my right hand! You will keep on guiding me all my life with your wisdom and counsel, and afterwards receive me into the glories of heaven! Psalms 73: 23-24 TLB

My sheep recognize my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they shall never perish. No one shall snatch them away from me. John 10: 27-28 TLB
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you. Isaiah 66:13

FAITH...

Yet there is one ray of hope: His compassion never ends. It is only the Lord’s mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; his loving-kindness begins afresh each day. Lamentations 3: 21-23

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him to help you do it, and He will. Psalms 37: 5 TLB

HOPE...

Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of -- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. Ephesians 3: 20

“For I know the plans I have for you,“ says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29: 11 TLB

Now we can look forward to the salvation God has promised us. There is no longer any room for doubt, and we can tell others that salvation is ours, for there is no question that He will do what He says. Hebrews 10: 23

Come to me and I will give you rest -- all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke -- for it fits perfectly -- and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; Matthew 11: 28-29

PEACE...
So now, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith in His promises, we can have real peace with Him because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Romans 5: 1 TLB

“I am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the worlds gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14: 27 TLB

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7 TLB

TRUST...

As part of the act of faith by which a person establishes a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, trust is placed in the ability of Jesus Christ to restore the broken relationship between God and sinful man. Once Christ has been received as Lord and Savior, the believer begins to develop the confidence and trust in God to fulfill all the promises which Scripture makes to the maturing Christian.

We can trust God because He always tells the truth...

He has given us both his promise and his oath, two things we can completely count on, for it is impossible for God to tell a lie. Now all those who flee to him to save them can take new courage when they hear such assurances for God; now they ca know without doubt that He will give them the salvation he has promised them. Hebrews 6: 18 TLB

God will continue to be true even when every person is false. Romans 3: 4 NCV

We can trust God because He loves us...

We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him. And as we live with Christ, our love grows more perfect and complete; so we will not be ashamed and embarrassed at the day of judgment, but can face him with confidence and joy because he loves us and we love him too. We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us. So you see, our love for him comes as a result of his loving us first. 1 John 4: 16-19 TLB

Many sorrows come to the wicked, but abiding love surrounds those who trust in the Lord. Psalms 32: 10 TLB

We can trust God because He is in control...

May the God of peace himself make you entirely pure and devoted to God; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept strong ad blameless until that day when our Lord Jesus Christ comes back again. God, who called you to become his child, will do all this for you just as he promised. 1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24 TLB

We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him They are the people he called, because that was his plan. Romans 8: 28 NCV

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “ plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29: 11 NIV

We can trust God because He will help us in times of trouble...

In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown you efforts with success. Don’t be conceited, sure of your own wisdom. Instead, trust and reverence the Lord, and turn your back on evil; when you do that, then you will be given renewed health and vitality. Proverbs 3: 5-6 TLB

But remember this -- the wrong desires that come into your life aren’t anything new and different. Many others have face exactly the same problems before you. And no temptation is irresistible. You can trust God to keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it, for he has promised this and will do what he says. He will show you how to escape temptation’s power so that you can bear up patiently against it. 1 Corinthians 10: 13

~ from John Thurman's Helpful Bible readings: http://www.johnthurman.net/templates/System/details.asp?id=26963&PID=560353

a prayer for mercy

2008-12-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

Healing hands of love and mercy
hold us now..
Be the soothing balm that covers us
The shelter that keeps us
The love that strengthens us
The truth that calls forth in us
The strength of Your eternal promises
Send our roots deep into all that You are
No depth of pain, no realm of fear
No lie can undermine Your truth
for You are truth.. Your redemption is complete.
Your life flows into the darkest places in us
Sanctifying who we were and all we will be
Your work is complete..
Give us the strength to walk in it: to truly see it: to believe it.
As men and women grounded in You and alive
Because of You.. we are free.
Hands of love hold us now
Never leave us, or forsake us
Show us all that You are and
Give us the strength to see who we are in You
Wrap us up in You.. make us brave in You..
Give us to purity... that it might have its way with us
Give us to long suffering and perseverance.. that they
May teach us how to fight for love
and forgiveness..
Take us beyond,
Let nothing stand between us Jesus..
Let our hearts be undone because of You
..that we might see Your face and know Your heart...
Shine Your healing love upon us again..
You are the one who fought for us, loved us and made us whole.
When all others turned and abandoned us.. when darkness came
and they did not believe
You stood with us.. You lifted our faces to look into Your eyes of peace and kindness..
You were unashamed
Even now, You are unashamed.
Your amazing love overpowers fear.. Your love conquers doubt..
Miraculous and true, You lean into our spirits: full and complete.
I see the hope in Your eyes.. the love in Your eyes..
Jesus.. be near to us now..
We long to know You, we long to touch Your heart.
Hold us now, in Your beautiful hands of love.
..............................................................................................................................................

for my beautiful friend.. He sees you, He knows you and His love will see you through.

sacrificial LOVE.

2008-12-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

What is sacrificial love? How often do we actually exemplify this kind of love? How often are we willing to lay our love down - even though we know that it could be despised? How often do we love like Jesus does? Are we willing to be soft yet tough, tender yet purposeful, weak yet strong? Are we willing to let God be everything in us, though it costs us everything? Are we willing to let go of our perceptions, paradigms, conditions, expectations and fears: to be the kind of love we were meant to be... to walk it out in surrender, humility and sacrifice? Do we want to be this kind of love.. even if it means we're misunderstood, despised or mistreated?

To sacrifice means:

the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

the thing so surrendered or devoted.

a loss incurred in selling something below its value

to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

What is Love anyways?

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is Love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

a relevant thought...

2008-12-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

Whether the cause of fear is major rejection or mild discomfort, the final solution is the same: I must be willing to hurt (greatly or minimally), to suffer loss (be it everything or a few moments of social ease). Only when I accept what I fear, resolving that I am willing to endure whatever may happen, will the fear lose its power (1 John 4:18). The perfect love of Christ provides me with what I need to face my fears. In Christ I have a relationship I cannot lose, a relationship sufficient to sustain me if all others fail. I have an unbreakable safety net beneath me as I venture across the tightrope of involving myself in other people's lives.
When I declare myself, by an act of will, to be willing to lose all human relationship (approval, recognition, love, etc.) if obedience to God requires it, I will be freed from the entanglement of fear. And only when I am freed from the fear of losing a relationship will my motivation approach the reality of love. When I encounter an embarrassed stranger in Sunday school or a close friend who is seriously mishandling his problems, my words will have the power to encourage if they are prompted by love. Notice the paradox: To love a person, I must be willing to lose my relationship with him. Dependently holding onto anyone or anything but God is, in its final form, idolatry. Idolatry is at root - a fear of the wrong god.
~ An excerpt from the book, "Encouragement: The Key To Caring" by Dr. Larry Crabb & Dr. Dan Allender

atonement

2008-11-30T15:03:00.000-08:00

God, are we willing to give up our walls? All of our pathetic self-protection and self-defense? I feel the resistance and it makes me ache. What are we waiting for? WHO? When? Would this be easier if all the circumstances were perfect? There is no right person or people to deal with the issues of our hearts. The strength of men is not strong enough to tear down these walls and turn ashes to beauty. Our war is for You to fight. Our issues can only be resolved in Your healing hands. If we want the fullness of all You have - we must face what You've shown us, with eyes full of truth, hearts full of faith and hands full of love. Are we willing to take all we have and surrender it to the light? Are we willing to run to You when everyone else is turning to distractions - will we turn to You? The world watches: they stand in their strength with their hearts of stone, mocking brokenness I can't escape. I can only throw myself on all that You are. I haven't the slightest hope - whom have I but You? Who is like You, God? Who is like You?

I am longing for You.. I can't escape longing for You: the depth and breadth of which I scarcely know. To know You care for me - You are never disappointed, never hopeless.. how is it possible for Your love to break my heart with such perfection and determination? How can the healing You give heal me more, the more broken I become? Your strength, made perfect in weakness.. How I want to be so close to Your heart God.. I don't fear brokenness. I only fear not knowing You... not having all of You.. You're yearning to show me... so help me find my way to where You are.. let me be close to Your heart.. stay.

You say I am Your garden: beautiful and free.. so be with me here Jesus, stay with me. Nothing I can say or do will atone for the things I have done: the dirty rags I have worn. I won't leave this place until You've touched my heart. I will storm every wall just to see You face to face: to have Your full attention. I won't leave until I know I have shown You everything.. So heal me and make me clean. I'm waiting for You to meet me here. I'll wait.

this belongs to you

2008-11-26T20:32:00.000-08:00

Sunlight
Remarkable, it shines
Loudly I hear it
Softly it falls and pierces
The night.
Tiny particles float in the golden air
Secret and vast
Do You know how much I love this place?
It's Yours, it's mine
Love is everywhere
All the colors are here
When You speak the mystery starts
Like a song
My heart is listening..
I know You are strong
I know You are true
I know You are just...
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Walks in the light
His laughter falls like stardust
All over my face
Jesus.. You are so beautiful
None of my words can describe
How beautiful You are.

it was discovered and it was new

2008-11-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

Choices seem to confront us on such a superficial level all day long: what to wear, where to go to lunch, who to talk to, who not to talk to, what shoes to buy? Decaf or regular coffee? Do we take a second look at someone as they walk past (or not)? All the time we're deciding what part of our sensory and/or audio-visual input we actually want to pay attention to.. it can be a tad bit frustrating and also incredibly distracting on many levels. Personally, I find it very frustrating. So many of the things I allow myself to get distracted by, really have minor significance in the long run. I honestly wish that we weren't all so easily distracted by the minor things in life... Kurt Cobain is well known for saying that he wanted to "live fast and die young". So much of our Western culture reflects this mentality. We have little next to no interest in longevity, meaningfulness, purpose or destiny. We're so concerned with the consumption of goods, products, relationships and experiences.. we miss the point of life. If we can keep making superficial and distracting (yet very well thought out) decisions about where to shop and what to do with our spare time - we can forever ignore the picture God sees and the relationship He is longing to have with us. We miss it all and we've got no one to blame but ourselves.

I don't know about you, but I don't want the status-quo for my life. I want so much more than the next "best" thing on the never-ending list of "next best things", I want so much more than hip friends, cool clothes and a solid playlist to listen to. With my whole heart I know that God is calling all of humanity into deeper relationship with Himself. He is calling us to a relationship truer, more intimate and fulfilling than anything many of us are willing to engage in. What is it about engaging that scares us? The definition of engaging/to engage is: to occupy the attention or efforts of, to secure for aid, employment, use, etc; hire, to attract and hold fast, to attract or please, to bind, as by pledge, promise, contract, or oath, make liable, to betroth, enter into conflict with, interlock with, to attach or secure, to occupy oneself, to become involved, to engage in business or politics, to take employment, to pledge one's word; assume an obligation. The way I view engaging is this: it requires an investment on the part(s) of the one(s) who engage(s). The wonderful thing we all know about investments is that there is RISK involved. It also means it will inevitably COST us something.

What if we just engaged with God? What if we actually invested/devoted ourselves to knowing Gods' plan for our lives, His heart towards the people in our lives and His purpose for why we're here on this earth? I know most of us would be scared out of our minds if we actually listened to what He has to say, that's for sure. But it is so worth it to invest in what He has - because it honestly is the BEST for us. Psalm 63:3 says that His love is better than life. Jesus said that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). The thief He refers to is the enemy, but I believe that we ourselves can cheat and steal from ourselves by being so distracted and disengaged. If you know God has something for you - He's told you about it, it's on the radar, I want to ask you one question: How are you treating it? How do you hold it? Do you clutch onto it or hold it loosely? Do you stick it in the corner of the top shelf of the closet of your heart that you plan on never going into again? How do you view what God have given you or shown to you? Just being honest about the perspective you have of the things God has given you is the first step to knowing your true heart regarding the things of God.
The next thing I've been thinking about is this: Even an awesome, amazing gift God wants you to invest in, if treated like it's worthless, will eventually become worthless, meaningless and definitely less than the best. How we treat what God gives to us and imparts to us is so important. The things He gives are the best - they are SO incredibly precious.. I have to remind myself of this a lot because it's my nature to disregard the holy or that which is "set apart" as I often will naturally gravitate towards the superficial and meaningless. This angers me sometimes and I get very mad at myself. I find myself screaming internally, "GOD - WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HOLY LIKE YOU ARE HOLY? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE 100% ON BOARD WITH EVERYTHING YOU WANT?" He has so much more grace for my impatience with my own process than I do.. but it is nonetheless discouraging at times. I fight. And. lose. All. The. Time. When it comes down to the wire - I want what He wants and I'm willing to go there with Him. I'm willing to engage with Him.. but do I fight it? Yes. I do. Do I want to be at the place where I don't fight Him? Yes, so much. But it's a process.. and today, I had it on my heart to write it out.

I truly feel challenged in the areas of engaging and investing lately; I also feel blessed in them. God is encouraging me to ask more questions and to seek His face more for answers instead of just being satisfied with what I perceive to be silence. So often, there is something in my life that clouds my eyes and deafens my ears to what is actually being shown and said to me. So I ask Jesus - help me see what You see, help me hear what You hear, show me.. I want to know.. The coolest thing ever is when His answer is exceedingly more surprising and satisfying than anything I could've expected! It's AWESOME!!!!
So I encourage you to give it a try! Ask God something you've been too scared or too busy to ask Him.. expect to be surprised! I hope and pray that you would discover Gods' love for you and His plan for your life. To know what it is to actually engage in a conversation with Him is SO AMAZING! The word of God says that if we're hungry and thirsty for righteousness, we will be filled (Matthew 5:6). He has put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11) so go find it by finding Him! Find out what you're missing. Don't settle for the superficial. I encourage you to go deep, and seek out the heart of the One who truly loves you. <3

i'm here, i'm now, i'm ready..

2008-11-22T21:13:00.001-08:00

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be, near You

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery ~ Switchfoot

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.. it is such a scary place to be. Uncertainty. The unknown.. I own nothing of any value, I have nothing but my heart to give to God. Is that truly all He wants? I feel like He is turning me inside out for the sake of trust and love. I feel as though the path is completely obscured by darkness, with the exception of the brightest light He sets before me. Such a small space is illuminated. He is calling me to get up, though in darkness. I can hear their laughter and cynical words all around me. Softly He asks me to come, walk with Him. Stand with Him. Lifting up my eyes, standing apart, I know He is with me here.. Do I, myself, even know the significance of this? For once, I will listen to His still, whispering voice. I choose You. I choose to listen. The tone of His voice is drowning out the chatter I hear all around me. Whether I go to the left or the right.. I hear His voice. Is that enough? Others call out to me from the darkness: control, fear, doubt and unbelief. They say Your voice is not enough, they tell me to give them proof, logic, rationale... How I have tried in vain to appease them. I have wept for You to deliver me in times past. But I was still looking at them - trying desperately to prove to them.. and You so patiently waited for me to be with You.. to stop looking at them. Now I know, they will never be satisfied. Their hatred of You and the things You love is so palpable - and yet, they hold no sway now. I am with You.

Softness, gentleness, Your kindness overwhelms me. You're invitation - will I walk into the desert with You? Will I step out in faith with You? Will I allow You to lead me through the darkest place by faith alone.. knowing it's only You I have?.. no one else can see You.. Jesus, if I fail in mens' eyes and estimation, will You carry me? I could stay here forever, playing it safe, protecting myself, feeding fear.. You've shown me a greater love, a deeper truth, a vulnerable house that You alone will protect. It is there that I am safe. There I will reside.. it is You.. so lead me on. Though I am blind, You give me eyes to see the most important things: I can trust You... I can follow You anywhere. Nothing else matters.. I just need Your voice.. whatever happens, please don't let me lose the sound of Your voice...

p.r.a.y.e.r.

2008-11-20T11:36:00.000-08:00

“We must continue in prayer if we are to get an outpouring of the Spirit. Christ says there are some things we shall not get, unless we pray and fast, yes, 'prayer and fasting'. We must control the flesh and abstain from whatever hinders direct fellowship with God." - Andrew A. Bonar

"Oh! men and brethren, what would this heart feel if I could but believe that there were some among you who would go home and pray for a revival - men whose faith is large enough, and their love fiery enough to lead them from this moment to exercise unceasing intercessions that God would appear among us and do wondrous things here, as in the times of former generations." - C. H. Spurgeon

"A prayerless man is proud and independent, and any church that neglects corporate prayer is sadly no better. Only God's humble and needy children take the time to pray. Everyone else is just going through the motions and naively trusting in their own strength!" - David ~Smithers

"The evangelization of the word in this generation depends first of all upon a revival of prayer. Deeper than the need for men; deeper, far, than the need for money; aye, deep down at the bottom of our spiritless life is the need for the forgotten secret of prevailing, world-wide prayer." - Robert E. Speer

"I believe there is one thing for which God is very angry with our land, and for which His Holy Spirit is so little among us, and that is the neglect of united prayer; the appointed means of bringing down the Holy Spirit." - Brownlow North

"From the day of Pentecost, there has been not one great spiritual awakening in any land which has not begun in a union of prayer." - A. T. Pierson

"Revivals begin with God's own people; the Holy Spirit touches their heart anew, and gives them new fervor and compassion, and zeal, new light and life, and when He has thus come to you, He next goes forth to the valley of dry bones... Oh, what responsibility this lays on the Church of God! If you grieve Him away from yourselves, or hinder His visit, then the poor perishing world suffers sorely!" - Andrew A. Bonar

"Our prayers lay the track down on which God's power can come. Like a mighty locomotive, his power is irresistible, but it cannot reach us without rails." - Watchman Nee

"Pray often; for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan." - John Bunyan

When you pray for anyone you tend to modify your personal attitude toward him. Norman Vincent Peale

I am praying for life and the regeneration of your spirit within you. I am praying for the newness of the Spirit to rest within and on you. I am praying that your heart would be open to the things of God: that you would have ears to hear, eyes to see and a heart that knows Gods’ love, will, grace, joy and power in a tangible way. I pray you would have a revelation of God’s love for you. Today I stand in the gap for you: my enemies and friends, and cry out to God on your behalf! That you may see Him, that you may know who you are as His child, and that through your weakness, His strength would be perfected in you. I pray you would develop the burden of prayer. Watchman Nee rightly stated, that if we have no burden, we will not pray. I pray that the Spirit would place the burden to pray on our hearts. Pray for those who hate us, pray for those who agitate us.. pray for those whom we love who are struggling in doubt and confusion. We are a prideful people.. so often we look at each other (at least I do) and think – if only this person weren’t so _______, I would be much happier! Is that really loving as Jesus loves? Is that really looking at someone with the eyes of LOVE, through and through? So often, we talk at great length about a problem and our frustration with it, then neglect to pray! How will anything change if we do not pray? Prayer is our partnership with the Spirit to see His will come to pass. Lately, I have been reminded of the importance of prayer.. it is so vital! The quote by Charles Spurgeon up above actually brings tears to my eyes because it resonnates so much within me.. God promises, if we, His people, would but humble ourselves and pray – what amazing transformation we would see in our lives and the lives of those around us! If we would only seek Gods’ face and turn from our sin (hardness of heart), God promises that He will hear from heaven, and forgive our sin and heal our land 2 Chronicles 7:14. THIS IS A PROMISE!!! Don’t we know that He means what He says? He means it! So I’m calling to you to pray – God is waiting on YOU to change your heart - not the person you feel frustrated with, or the person who you’re angry at. He wants us to pray for them… for when our hearts change, something in the Spirit shifts. In love and forgiveness, the Spirit is then free to move and work.. it is a beautiful thing. It releases joy when God shows us what He sees over that persons' life, the work He longs to do! Let's not stop Him.. let's run to Jesus, let's go, let's pray! :-)

thoughts on saying no..

2008-11-18T14:19:00.000-08:00

Saying no. Even as I contemplate what I'm about to write, slight nervousness and tears seem imminent. When we say no to someone, does it mean we don't love them? When we tell someone we can't be what they want us to be, does that mean that our love is invalid? I took this question to the Holy Spirit.. and in the gentlest of ways, He assured me that sometimes, to say no, is the greatest of kindnesses. It's not easy to say no to someone.. Jesus said, that what we do unto the least of these, we do to Him (Matthew 24:25). As followers of Jesus, I fully believe it's our duty to feed the poor, clothe the naked and lead the oppressed to freedom in Jesus. My question is, are there times when doing something for someone actually infringes upon their growth as an individual (I'm referring to someone who has a relationship with Jesus)? I know I already know the answer to this question and even in knowing the answer, it is nonetheless awful to have to say no to a brother or sister in Christ. Very recently, I had to tell one of my friends that I couldn't be a close friend to them anymore. It's something I felt God was leading me to do for a while now, but I just couldn't do it for some reason. When someone puts you on a pedestal, it's even more difficult to say no because there is so much expectation.. there's a long way to fall from such a lofty place in someones heart or mind.

This friend believes that because I put a boundary up, that it means I don't care. The truth is, it's because I do care for them, that I won't allow them to continue putting me in such a high place in their life. If my friends' regard for me was free, easy, uncontrolled and full of grace - there would have been no need for a rigid boundary. But, as this was not the case, I had no other choice but to back away. Did it make me upset to have to say no? Yes. Did it make my friend upset that I said no? Yes. Can it really be the right decision if every one's upset? Yes. But what's the point??? Here's the deal: God's will is not dependent on our happiness. Sometimes He will ask us to do things we really don't "feel" like doing. Sometimes He will ask us to give up friendships, things, habits etc.. sometimes these things even appear very harmless. What's at the root of the issue? Doesn't it always come back to our heart? Our motivation? God's word says that man looks on the outward appearance, but "God looks at the heart" (Samuel 16:7). Our hearts are of vital importance to God, because out of the heart," flows the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).

God's design in everything is to take us to the place where we are functioning as one. Isn't that what the life of Jesus proved? Jesus said He did nothing apart from what the Father was doing. Although I'm far from being completely in sync with the Spirit, it is something I am trusting in Jesus for. It's something I need His grace to walk in. If there's something which impedes that function, or infringes on our growth or ability to be one with the Spirit, I think God usually puts His finger on it. We can ignore it for a long time, we can even refuse to acknowledge what the Spirit is saying.. but eventually, our relationship will be affected and we then aren't in perfect relationship with Jesus anymore. That's not something I want. I want relationship - perfect relationship with Him. I know I can't strive for that - I simply can just trust Him and surrender my all to Him, every day.

What does this have to do with my friend? Well, in surrendering my friend to God, I am surrendering another piece of my life and telling God that I want His best for my friend, and for myself. My friend took it as rejection, but if He asks God what He really thinks, I know he will hear the whispers of Gods love and His desire to bless him with His very best.

Through life's trials, the character of our hearts are revealed. When we don't get our way, when things don't work out like we wanted, something is shown of our hearts. It's often our perspective on what happens to us that affects the situation the most - and our hearts influence that perspective a significant amount. Through our perspective, the truth of what is actually in our hearts is revealed. Will we become unforgiving? Bitter? Fearful? Doubtful? Hateful? We can so easily become victims, believing that the "bad" things that happen to us are inherently "wrong". The truth is, that even "bad/unfavorable" things can produce beauty in us if we're willing to surrender our lives to Jesus. The truth is, God is love. The truth is, God loves us and promises that He will work everything for good - anything that is entrusted to Him, He will work through it for good.. even if it starts out as a slap in the face. For example, I've had a friend who treats me like I don't exist about 80% of the time right now. I've kept wondering why - I'd keep trying to find reasons for this treatment.. then suddenly, I realized that God is trying to teach me something. To walk in forgiveness and remain soft hearted towards this person, regardless of whether I feel like it or not is so difficult, yet that is what He requires. It's not something I naturally would like to do - but I know for a fact, that once I walk through this situation, my heart will be less calloused, less selfish and more understanding.. and in spite of the discomfort, I know it will be worth it in the end. If I take care of the posture of my heart towards my friend, God will take care of the posture of my friends heart towards life (and me).

I write this as much for my friends as I write it for myself. I pray that we can see what's truly in our hearts when life doesn't immediately hand us what it is we think we need/want. Maybe God has something He wants to show us or tell us. Although things don't always make logical sense when it comes to God - it makes sense to trust Him because He is 100% good, 100% love, 100% there for us. His word says that "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”. (1 Corinthians 2:9) So, the next time life doesn't give you what you want, ask God what He's trying to show you? Ask Him where He is in your circumstance.. He is so faithful.. He will reveal it if we are willing to lay our pride down and give in to His perfect love.

when you're in love

2008-11-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.
I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire.
O God, triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.
Begin in mercy a new work of love within me,
Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."
Then give me grace to follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

~A.W. Tozer

we are motivated out of fear or love. i want to be motivated by love. to experience how Jesus loves me - to give that away to others - then get more of His love. i have tasted a fraction of that, but i am starving for more! being motivated by fear is so debilitating.. and honestly, it's getting old. i am so hungry for God. i am so hungry for people who want to engage with this world, to impact it with His love. i want more of Your love God!

love comes from relationship; but if love is absent, fear takes over. relationships full of fear inevitably die.

'Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. and when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me'. p. 111 - Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

there is a crazy kind of love out there. it's a kind of love that defies all the odds.. the kind of love that people die for, the kind of love that heals people.. mystifies them and sets them free. this world leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. i'm awake and i'm unsatisfied. i'm hungry for more. i know i've been a sell out. i've prostituted myself to my culture and apathetic way of life. i've pretended that You don't require everything.

how did i wake up from this sleep? maybe it was in truly seeing myself. maybe it was seeing where i was headed.. the situations the majority of my friends are in. and i am broken and crying for something. something has to give. and i think that something has to be me. it finally hit me: i am free. so many things have held me down. so many distractions, so much oppression. but i just realized, that as i've been praying, He's been setting me free. as i've been asking for open eyes and ears.. wow. this is happening. and now i'm not scared of what it means to give it all for the right kind of love. Your love. whatever it takes. whatever it means. i'm running. i'm ready. i can't take this anymore. i can't stand still..

Jesus - let's go.

emotional affairs

2008-11-14T12:23:00.000-08:00

I have often wondered what emotional affairs actually entail. Technically the term pertains to something that occurs within marriage, however, I believe this kind of affair occurs within the "just friends" type of relationship too. The thing is, a lot of people don't realize the damage they do to other people by having scattered emotions within their friendships. They pull many people of the opposite sex to them, thus gaining the benefits of a dating or marriage relationship without care or concern for what this will do to the hearts involved. One great point from the article below stresses this:

"How do others view your "friendships"? Ladies: might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would you want to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing, and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me."

I happen to agree with that quote a lot. I know for a fact that I would say no to any man who was "interested" in me if he has tons of super close girlfriends. What's the point of him having me around even; it's obvious that all his needs are already fulfilled by his many "girl friends". Furthermore, what about when we start dating? Would he be spending loads of time with his friends that are girls? How would this impact our relationship? If/when we got married, would he still meet these girl friends on a regular basis - could I even handle that? Nope. It's not jealousy, it's not mistrust - it's what I like to call the issue of adjuncts (adjunct: A person associated with another in a subordinate or auxiliary capacity). If there's supposed to be 8 people in one relationship then the whole concept of the covenant between Bridegroom & Bride makes absolutely no sense. God says that the covenant between a man and woman is sacred. God designed us to share our deepest hopes/dreams/emotions/time/energy with someone special (exclusively). How the heck do you keep that relationship special when you're spreading the most intimate and special things about who you are all over the place? Let me ask you this: If you have no emotional boundaries with sharing every part of yourself in your "just friends" relationships (even when you're dating/married), then what would then prevent you from sharing your partners' deepest emotions/dreams/desires too! That is so violating! It absolutely destroys the trust and integrity of the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with relating to your friends like you would your brother or sister. It's up to each individual to truly evaluate their intentions and desires towards any particular friendship/relationship to ensure it's kept in its rightful place. I think the most important thing is to BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS. The Bible says that the heart is deceptive above all things! We tell ourselves things all the time that are completely untrue. One thing I'm learning is to trust God and not my heart because my heart lies to me. I was in a relationship for 5 years. This man fed me promises, and made me think I was special to him, he kept things as "just friends" and led me to believe he was very interested in me through talking about marriage and spending lots of time with me. These things are ok in dating relationships but in fact, it was very wrong: because he knew I loved him and we were "just friends". When you know that someone loves you and is giving you the best of themselves, then be clear with them. Instead of being clear with me that he had no intention of loving me back, the man I was involved with allowed me to continue loving him. Personally, I think this is the epitome of selfishness. If he had been clear and said, "I don't love you and I never will" I could've walked away at a much earlier point. He obviously knew that I would walk away if he told me this, so he continued to lead me on and told me lies. Although what he did was inexcusable, he was not solely to blame. For my part, I should have been extra clear about how he felt about me earlier. I should have not allowed him to spend so much time with me one-to-one, and I shouldn't have shared my heart with him because he definitely was not capable of creating a safe place for it. He had many friends that were girls even when we were involved - this was a red flag but I ignored it. To this day I don't know how many other relationships he had "on the go" while we were together as I only found out about some of them. I know for a fact that there were other girls who were wounded by this man who preferred to keep his all of relationships secret and on a "just friends" basis. Red flags are there for a reason. If someone has an issue(s) that they've proven time and again, to have no intention of working on - then it's time to walk away. More often than not, people will not change for the better, once you are dating and/or married.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not one of those girls who "just wants to get married". That's not why I wrote this. I don't care if I get married or not. One thing I do care about is guarding the most precious places in my heart and saving them for two people: Jesus and, if I get married: my husband. Fortunately, Jesus has healed my heart and restored it to me even after a very painful relationship. Since He has been so faithful to me, I want to be faithful to Him and my potential husband. I want to honour my husband by not giving away the most amazing pieces of who I am to someone who's only in it for the emotional boost. Consequently, I'm purposing to not allow myself to go into friendships with men who are emotional vampires. Furthermore, I want to be the type of friend to my male friends who is clear about how I feel about them, and not let them think my regard for them is anything other than that of a sister. This isn't about trying to control someone else. All you can do is take care of where you stand. If someone wants to be an emotional vampire, that's their choice - you don't have to stick around. If someone has feelings for you and you don't have feelings for them, it's up to you to be honest. If you have feelings for someone, then don't drag it out forever and ever - just be honest. It's not the end of the world if things don't work out the way you wanted them to. Really, it comes down to the position of your heart, honour, respect and some good, old-fashioned honesty.

The great thing about the article below is that it in no way says men and women can't be friends (in fact it encourages true friendship). Moreover, it gives clear, Biblical reasons for why emotional affairs are dangerous. In "just friends" friendships, one party involved usually ends up feeling taken advantage of: one person (and occasionally both) usually has feelings that go beyond the classification of friendship. That's no one's fault: however, it's only fair for people to be honest. Personally, I believe that if men and women don't figure out why emotional affairs are dangerous before they enter a dating relationship or get married - there's a catastrophe waiting to happen. Much uncertainty/confusion is bred if this issue remains overlooked. Although the article below doesn't give absolute directions on what to do if you find you are the type of person perpetuating (or in a "just friends/emotional affair" relationship) I think you will still be able to glean truth from it and take the situation to God. I know I'm going for the jugular with this one, but it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I definitely never want to be put in the same type of situation again. One final comment: I believe God wants His best for each of us.. If we want His best, we can't allow ourselves to squander our time, dreams and emotions on people who don't care for our hearts or have clear, solid emotional boundaries within their relationships.

to read the article called "Just Friends" go to:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001475.cfm

running

2008-11-13T12:02:00.000-08:00

Too many words, too many lies
I can't quite see the truth
When I look into your eyes
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running

You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be deceived
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice

I don't know, I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand

Clouds come down

I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running

You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be decieved
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice

I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running

You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
And we don't need a TV show
To show us which way to go
We just need to do what we know is right

Running by Evermore.

what does this have to do with anything? straight up: i wish i would just open my eyes. i want to see even if it means pain, brokenness, suffering - loss. i wish the truth were easier to speak.. regardless, i will endeavor to elaborate. i wish people weren't so afraid of their own lies. why is it that we don't just surrender to what we know is right, true and good? why is there such a fight? we run away from the truth.. but are our lies any less painful? our FEAR is everywhere - and we formulate constant distractions in order to cope. we would laugh if someone simply said that the fight comes down to one thing: self.. but it's true. our fight is with our self-absorbed self. the apostle Paul called himself a wretched man - and i can completely identify with that statement. i am wretched. i look at Jesus' sacrifice and i think, well - that was Jesus, that's ok for him, he is the son of God after all - but this is me we're talking about. WHAT? come again? whose standard am i thinking within when i think something like that? Gods'? no way! it's the worlds' standard. the world says save yourself, save your time, your love, your life, your money, keep it, keep it, keep it all. get that job, become successful, live the dream, have that house, the picket fence, the spouse of your dreams... and it's a massive trap. not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves, but when they become the DREAM - they become our TREASURE.. where our treasure is, there are hearts will be also. the world says, "don't count the cost of following Christ - pretend that you didn't know, pretend you were unaware. pretend like giving less than 100% is what Christ requires of you". i am so sick of thinking that way. i am so tired of believing ridiculous lies that cheapen the sacrifice God made for me.. of a living in a culture that just perpetuates the lies i am trying so hard to break free from.

North America doesn't think it needs God. but we are dying inside. loneliness, brokenness, we are so blinded by our own distractions. if we were quiet with ourselves, what would we hear ourselves say? we are deaf and blind to ourselves and the world around us. open your eyes. open your ears. ask God to show you. then tell me what you see.

a couple of months ago i told God "whatever it takes, there will be no walls between us".. yesterday/today/now i have reached the point of surrender (again, in a whole new way). nothing this world can offer me can compare to being in love with Jesus. on my way home last night i was listening to this song by Misty Edwards.. and through it, i found my heart connecting deeply again to His true love. my heart belongs to Jesus. it is wrapped up in His heart. it felt so good to remember that and to sing this as loud as i could

I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other lover and
I'll press on, yes I'll press on...

i've been thinking about the world. i've been asking myself what it would take to get me to blatantly walk out of Gods will for my life? it hit me all of a sudden - i've become numb to the rawness of who God is and His heart for His children. i've been thinking a lot about the third world. i've casually thought that there might be one or two things that could persuade me to stay here and forget about living completely abandoned to Gods' will. yesterday i really listened to what that means. that means that i essentially have been telling myself that i would be willing to live apart from God's perfect will and then would inadvertently be inviting others to do the same!!! wow.

and here i am, once again, counting the cost. i've thought about being alone. i've thought about never getting married. never having children. not seeing my family again. in spite of those things, finally, i am unafraid. the truth is - nothing is as beautiful as Him. nothing is as worthy as Him. nothing is as lovely, as true, as selfless, as good. no job, school, family or relationship. Jesus says to count the cost of following Him before we step out and walk His way. i have been so afraid. i have believed the lie that to uphold the standard that God is calling me to will prevent me from experiencing my "rights" in life.. these are our rights as defined by the self: i have a right to a job, a family, a husband, success as defined by the "North American dream" etc. but these rights are temporal, meaning they won't last beyond my last breath.. in my opinion, the self is a sell-out, a home-wrecker, a cheap, lazy, self-protective doubter that has no place in me. will i live for the temporary or the eternal? to challenge the North American dream/self in who i am inevitably scares other people (and myself). abandonment to God that is wreckless and doesn't sustain the self is intimidating. lately, i've told myself that no one wants someone like me around: if i were to be as hardcore as i know God is calling me to be. i'd lose friends. i am losing friends. i have amazing times with my friends, but i keep asking myself WHERE IS THE PASSION for the things of God!? WHO ARE WE LIVING FOR anyways? i am desperately seeking someone, anyone who is longing for the things of God.

can i stand before God and say i didn't know? can i stand before Him and tell Him that His love just wasn't enough? he gave 100% for me. what will i give to Him? 25%? 76%? 91%? what will be enough? how will i justify myself when i stand before Him, face to face? i know i won't be able to open my mouth to speak. unspeakable love will saturate me. and even though i know the completeness of His love - that He is in no way disappointed in me - even that knowledge of His love won't prevent me from being disappointed in myself.

INCREDIBLE LOVE. why did Peter ask to share in the suffering of Christ? BECAUSE HE LOVED HIM with every fiber of his being! because he wasn't willing to give anything less than all he had to the One who had given EVERYTHING to him... and he looked upon it as pure JOY to be able to suffer with his beloved! i don't even know what else to say. i want that. i want that joy. i want to be able to laugh at the world and say, "you have no hold on me - i am my Beloveds' and He is mine and His banner over me is LOVE"!!!

are we willing to lose our lives pertaining to the self in order to gain the life of Christ? are we willing to stop asking what's in it for us? is true love worth an entire life? to some people it won't be. but to me, true love is worth my entire life. there is no cost, there is no loss.. only an eternal love that is truer than life and more powerful than death.

29"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. 31 But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10:29-31

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25

He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Matthew 10:37

Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other will be left. Luke 17:33-34

resistance or resilience

2008-11-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

resistance or resilience?
no matter how it happens
then or now
i will break me
or you will
brokenness is still the same
closed or open
exposed or concealed
vulnerability is inevitable
the shield of men is futile
i can't fight this
the cloud. the wall: it's all i have
i can look out the window all i want
my heart won't shrink
it's all there.
pushing against a force so strong
what of fear, trust, love?
we will build our house with them
still, my heart will explode or die.
won't you lay your armor down
long enough to say all the things
you're trying not to say
the softer the touch of your hand
your heart
the more it feels like knives and thorns
could rip me to shreds
it sounds morbid
but don't be kind
in the end i will thank you
slice away.
i can't win this war.
will i choose it?
contemplation beckons me to come
i want to hold the pain in my arms
the cuts can bleed
crush every bone
until there is nothing left to break
beaten unrecognizable:
that would be just.
Your sacrifice was more committed
more true
real and vulnerable than the feeble
gesture we tell ourselves is love
i can't possibly comprehend Your pain
Your bravery, Your strength and fortitude.
Your tears. Your tears. i watch them fall
whose love can compare to Yours?
You won this war so that I didn't have to
You chose the unforgivable sorrow
of unspeakable pain.
hell tormented You and yet You smiled
You saw each of us: hearts behind walls
veils and shadows: clouds and rain
and You chose the pain
so that we could sit here,
beneath the shadow of Your wings
and laugh at the things to come...

come up here

2008-11-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

where is your heart??
i found it in the sand
it was in the dust
though circumstance brought it back to you
it remains lifeless

they say that love must use you
like that is a given - all the time
but i have seen something truer
and loved one as blind

i've given love
i've given love
i've given love

i saw you in your room today
enclosed in all your tears
it makes me hate them for what they did to you
even more when you tell me not to care

dissecting truth, breaking apart shadows
your heart exists in memories
no recognition of it now..
this punishment for trust
shattering, stripping, twisting the beauty away

i need the things that they took
telling them to give them back relentlessly
only increases their apathy
distance fills your mind with thoughts
a space and time full of regret

you've given love
you've given love
you've given love

how can i lose your heart
when it isn't in your chest?
it is an orphaned child
beating: forgotten in emptiness

shadows, graves and lies
sorrows' reflection remains to entice us
it leads us down a sullen road
where drunken men cling to the cracks in the walls.

don't say you'll regret your decision
or pretend you can't see that far
my heart beats open and exudes the confidence uncommon
.. love restrained

i am standing at the waters edge now
where are you?
do you think i am afraid to see you like this?
the anchor drops -
you are not alone.

i can see through the lies in your teeth
fear will choke love of its breath
vulnerability lives in light
found in brokenness...

there is a choice in these hands
can i see the value of it?
thoughts rest in silence
this calm hope
watching, waiting, trusting

the flower blossoms painfully
the sunlight caresses the sky
the tree that lives in you stands to meet the stars

will the truth capsize and sink beneath these waves?
forbidden and alone
tell me why love is pain
if it makes it easier to walk away

lies dissipate in the air,
the ashes of fear and hate disintegrating
floating to the ground
through tears - running...

barricades and time bombs hail from the sky
pandemonium inspires no emotion
fear means nothing: your hand rests in mine

all i can see in this moment is you
is love.
the sound of laughter echoes in your eyes

what else can i call it? selfishness is selfishness.

2008-11-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

i am a moody person. or something. yesterday i was sick (i have a cold). and anyways, things were pretty much crappy (or so i was thinking to myself) and i was tired and miserable. i went to bed last night feeling kind of chapped because i was sick (nothing like feeling sick to promote a little self-pity).

my friend sent me this song he wrote today.. as i listened to it i thought, DANG!!! and it smacked my heart and my head into focusing on Jesus.. his song talks about being the light of the world, letting our light shine before men so they can see our good deeds and glorify God because of them. and even though it was the simplest verse - it shook me, and was in essence a wake up call i most definitely needed.

ever since i got back from Guatemala this summer i've slowly been getting less and less sensitive to the things that really matter. i was so shocked when i came home: i often thought, "is this seriously the way i used to live"? i was disgusted with myself, the things i used to do. i ached because of the way i was living before i went there. i remember the last thing that Al (a development worker in Guatemala) told me as i was boarding the shuttle to the airport to come back home to Canada.. he said, "be an ambassador of what you have seen and heard".. have i been that ambassador? have i stood for the truth? or have i been growing more selfish as the days go by? the answer is what hurts the most, the truth hurts. i have been less selfish, less of the things i used to be.. but it still isn't enough. it's not enough.

there are families in Guatemala that live in huts made of sticks and garbage bags. they have one pair of underwear, one ripped t-shirt and no shoes. some people have one meal a day - maybe only every few days.

North America.. North America.. will our eyes always be so blind? will our ears always be so deaf? will our hearts always be so hard? we turn our regard for the brokenness of others on and off like the tv. some days we care, other days we don't... some days we allow God in, other days we keep Him out.. oh what tempermental lovers we are.. how many other loves we have besides Him. i am not satisfied with that. i will not be content in that.. i want Him to be my first love, my only love..

is my light growing dim? i drown as i watch my own selfishness taking precedence. how it creeps in so slowly... so slowly. i can see Jesus weeping in the corner. the pain of the nations stricken by disease, poverty and torment breaking His heart. and i can only wonder what breaks His heart more: the pain of those nations, or the fact that North Americans make a mockery of that pain on a daily basis?

i never want to forget what you have given me. i never want to forget what is important, what matters. Jesus: don't let me forget.

when i don't get what i want - my own perverse desire for instant gratification is an indication of my depravity.. when i begin to think that something "sucks" in North American terms: remind me.. remind me of Elgwyn and Ramiro and their mud hut. remind me of Sarai, Ronnie and Franklin.. and millions of children like them worldwide suffering from parasites, malnutrition, abuse and broken homes: these, Your children - break my heart for them..

where is my head at? where is my heart at? my own superficiality infuriates me!!!! and in my disgust, i am drawn to You. i am drawn to stop focusing on meaningless things, on insignificant distractions and relationships.. let Your light shine again. i purpose to be a vessel that doesn't impede the flow of Your love..

Jesus, this is the power of Your light in us: to stand for justice, to love peace, and to walk humbly with You, our God.. to defend orphans and widows, to love the poor and fatherless.. to partner with Your Spirit as you bind up the brokenhearted and heal all of their wounds..

if i have one prayer right now, it is that You would keep my heart raw for these things: to love what You love, and hate what You hate... in that, i know that i can never forget what really matters.

jealous?

2008-10-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

Lovely, oh how I've missed you

Time has slowed way down

And removed what has felt like a part of my soul

I've waited and waited for my love

To melt through the ice that

Keeps you from dancing, keeps you alone

Follow me to the temple

Where we first met

It was love at first touch

But since then

Your affairs have you

Down on your face again - down on your face again..

Lovely, your heart can be trusted

But the toll road you've taken

Has cost you much more than you realize

So hold fast to all you've been given

And cling to the lifeline

You've had within reach all of this time

Follow me to the temple

Where we first met

It was love as first touch

But since then

Your affairs have you

Down on your face again, down on your face again

Try and remember the things that I've said to you

Follow me to the temple

It was love at first touch

Follow me into the daylight

And it will be like it was, like it was

To have you again my love

To have you again

~ Lovely, by Jason Morant:

http://www.myspace.com/jasonmorantmusic

This song reminds me of how jealous God is for our love - for our whole heart. Yesterday I was reminded of the amazing desire God has for us. He longs to heal us and to set us free. Jeremiah 30:17 says, "For I will restore you to health and I will heal you of your wounds," declares the Lord, "Because they have called you an outcast, saying: "It is Zion: no one cares for her". God revealed that verse to me in the summer and ever since then I revisit it and cling to the promise within it.

Last night the Lord directed me to Zechariah 8:2 which talks about Gods' jealous heart for us: "Thus says the Lord of hosts, "I am exceedingly jealous for Zion, yes, with great wrath I am jealous for her"...

I love the fact that God is jealous for my love.. it doesn't make me feel like He's being possessive or controlling. He is such a gentleman, and only invites you and I to partake of His love.. at the same time I know His heart burns for us, His bride. So beautiful.

It is so humbling that the God of the universe - the God who made the oceans, the forests and stars wants our love more than any other thing. I don't understand it, and I'm pretty certain I never will. All I know is, it is such a beautiful thing to be loved so unconditionally. I was thinking about that today - how God teaches us to love like He does through different circumstances. It's hard to love unconditionally (if you've tried, then you know what I mean). Through Jesus love, we can love that way - it just takes counting the cost, committing to His purposes, and saying yes.

It's not easy - but anything worth having usually comes at a cost. Situations can push our buttons and make us want to give up, throw in the towel and walk away in frustration.. I'm a fighter. I keep going to the bitter end usually. Before I walk into situations, I usually can discern/know what the cost will be - and I can sometimes get offended that God would ask me to pay so high a price... Then I sit there and battle it out with God. His response is usually, 'Don't you trust Me yet?'.. Ha. That usually puts everything into perspective.

I am learning to trust Him. I am learning to say yes. I am learning to be committed even when I know how much it might stink. My sacrifices might seem like a lot to me - but in comparison to the sacrifice He gave for me - His entire breath, being and existence.. what protest can I give? Love like His is worth it. It is worth giving up everything I have to pour it into the people He surrounds me with. I fall so short of that so often, but every day He gives me grace to try again.

I am committed to His purpose, plan and will - however He works it. He is jealous for my love and I want to be jealous for His love.. to protect it, honour it and give it away whenever I have the chance. Even when the stakes are high and I have a lot to lose, I can always go to Jesus to get more.. He is so amazing like that! Unconditional love. So often, we have other loves: we choose idols (relationships, people, music, media, jobs, cars, money, fame etc) over Him. Like the song by Jason Morant says, "It was love at first touch, but since then your affairs have held you down on your face again"... and that is us. We have affairs all the time with this world.. and yet, HE LOVES US. He loves us. I don't understand it. When we are so brutal to Him, when we mock His love, abuse it, take it for granted.. we are often the most awful lovers and yet He wants our love all the more.

God reminded me of this today: that we are awful to Him and yet His love remains unchanging.. and He challenged me to be like Him - to love like that. I half heartedly laughed at the idea like He must be joking. But the truth is, He isn't joking and whether I see the results of loving someone unconditionally or not, it really shouldn't matter to me. God sees the bigger picture - He sees why it's so important. And that's where trust comes in again.. if I truly trust Him, I don't have to know the reasons why.. I just trust in His unfailing love and press deeper into His heart of love.

Jesus, thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving us..

establishing Godly relationships

2008-10-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

There seems to be much societal/cultural ambiguity surrounding how to walk as Jesus intends us to in friendships and relationships. Sometimes I feel bombarded by so much information I don't know what to do. So this prompted me to really seek out an answer to, "What does God say about all of this"? I am in the process of getting His first-hand input on this matter - and I felt He helped me discover this article to help me in the process. The article is really amazing because it is very clear about many salient points. The beautiful thing I realized as I read this, is that we are all in a process of walking in holiness - that there is grace for wherever we are at (yep, even as you read this). God sees you, He knows and loves you and has a plan for you - regardless of your past! Take a moment and really digest that thought. Miracles didn't just happen in Bible times - the Spirit of God is real and with us and can heal us and make us whole and complete if we are willing to accept His love now. Brokenness is not bigger or more powerful than unconditional love. Healing, love, beauty, hope and restoration are unleashed in our lives when we truly believe in the promise of God's unfailing love. Thanks for reading this - even though it sounds corny.. it says a lot of good things! I hope this inspires and encourages you to pursue the best that God has for you within your friendships and relationships.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

Casual/Minimal - simple, surface-level verbal interaction which is generally pleasant instead of hostile. People at this level usually do not give or receive help, emotional support or love from each other. They just speak and listen to each other when necessary.

Moderate - has all the characteristics of a minimal relationship, but includes one more: an emotional attachment…you want emotional support and are willing to give it. There is an openness which enables both of you to listen to the other's hurts, concerns, joys and needs…takes time and requires risk.

Strong - develop when you have high involvement with people. You minister to one another in tangible ways…you provide and receive help from one another. Many people bypass the emotional attachment and go straight to helping. The personal investment is less. And yet, strong relationships must be based on emotional support for caring to be meaningful. Short-circuiting emotional support leads to shallow relationships. Emotional support is a stronger tie than helping.

Quality/Binding - valued as permanent or long-term; there are few valid reasons for terminating it. This type of relationship includes the added element of loving trust. You feel safe with this person when you reveal what's going on inside you -- your inner needs, thoughts and feelings. He or she treats what you share as a gift. There are no secrets and no barriers; the relationship is built upon complete mutual trust. Examples include: spouse, parents, children, relatives, possibly bosses or co-workers.

THE 4 PILLARS OF RELATIONSHIP

Love - you feel safe and secure; it's okay to be yourself. You use your strengths, capabilities and skills to lift the other person above yourself. There is a sense of belonging; you feel significant to this person. You express your care through words as well as deeds; you're willing to move out of your comfort zone for that person's benefit. You feel accepted for who you are.

Trust is making yourself dependent upon another person for some result or outcome. It's a healthy dependency, not forced. You feel assurance and confidence in trusting the other person. You act on the trust you perceive. …This is the most fragile pillar in most relationships because it involves the most risk of being hurt.

Respect - recognizing and acknowledging the other person's worth or value. This requires that you honor and respect yourself; for if you don't respect yourself how can you give respect to someone else? (Remember how God sees us…)

Understanding - The first three elements are dependent on this one. Understanding only develops over time and is based on knowledge. You understand others by getting inside of them and seeing life from their perspective, through their eyes. It involves a tremendous amount of communication -- of asking, sharing and listening. What is revealed is based on trust, which is based on how well you know one another, which is based on what is revealed.

A GODLY COVENANT/RELATIONSHIP

In deep and pure friendships and relationships, the two souls draw strength and encouragement from each other as well as security and love.

1. You are committed to the spiritual growth of one another in the things of God.

2. The relationship is mutually beneficial -- you are not always the giver or always the receiver.

3. Person does not cause you to violate your conscience… They don't try to maneuver you into doing something you don't want to do, like going against God's will.

4. Person does not manipulate you through anger/drama or favors but motivates through love.

5. Person does not expect anything from you that they are not willing to give themselves.

In Ecclesiastes 4:-9-12, Solomon describes the attributes of such a relationship:

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Loneliness is the first thing that God said was not good. In Genesis 2:18, He says "It is not good for man to be alone."

v Marriage is a godly covenant. You will become like the person that you marry. You become one with the person you marry.

^{Genesis 2:23-24}

²³The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called `woman,'for she was taken out of man." ²⁴For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

v There is a spiritual tie created by any act of sexual contact, whether willing or unwilling. The two become one flesh, whether inside or outside of marriage. The practical spiritual effect of this is that any spiritual bondage of the person with whom you have had sex seeps into you, and makes your spiritual walk much more difficult. This DOES NOT affect your salvation, but it can make living a life free of sin and full of victory in Jesus much more difficult. It also means that any demonic oppression any of your former sexual partners may suffer from can transfer to you. Additionally, condoms do not stop demons!

1 Corinthians 6:15-16

¹⁵Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."

God has so built every woman that the first man who has sexual relations with her takes a form of dominion over her (Genesis 3:16…Your desire will be for husband, and he will rule over you.). Her human spirit and soul is built to respond to the man by nurturing him, supplying affection to him, and being that man's fountain

of satisfaction and blessing through all his life.

A man's spirit is so built that for each woman he enters, his spirit is built to find, protect, bless, nurture and provide for that woman. A man's soul can be scattered and destroyed through adulterous relationships…

BRIEF REVIEW - SOUL TIES

A soul tie is the knitting together of two souls that can either bring tremendous blessings in a godly relationship or tremendous destruction when made with the wrong person. …the emotions, mind, and/or will of one person is unnaturally or inordinately affected by another person(s); thoughts and actions no longer their own; under demonic, manipulating control of another; a counterfeit of godly covenant.

Law of Association

You will rise or fall to the level of your associations. No root, no fruit. Bad ground, weak root, bad fruit… If you want to know where you are going, look at your friends.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15

14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

I Corinthians 15: 33-34

³³Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." ³⁴Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God--I say this to your shame.

Proverbs 13:20

²⁰He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Romans 11:16

16 If the part of the dough offered as firstfruits is holy, then the whole batch is holy; if the root is holy, so are the branches.

A PROSPEROUS SOUL demonstrates SELF-AUTHORITY and SELF-DETERMINATION:

· Your emotions and reactions are self-governed. You don't allow the actions and condemnations of others control your life.

· You react to life realistically (no drama)

· You do not assign human characteristics to inanimate objects

· You relate well to a variety of people

· You respond properly to godly authority without feeling threatened or smaller yourself.

INFATUATION VS. LOVE

Infatuation moves quickly; love grows. Infatuation carries a sense of uncertainty; love begins with security. Infatuation could lead you to do things you might regret; love won't.

Indications that your relationship is a mismatch--that you have a higher level of interest in the relationship than your significant other:

v You initiate most of the contact.

v You initiate most of the affectionate advances, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.

v You are the plan maker, whereas the other just seems to go along.

v You sacrifice to do things for the other or make life more agreeable, but you don't see this reciprocated.

v You are excited about the relationship, while the other person just seems to be along for the ride.

v You talk about your relationship and possible future plans, but this strikes an unresponsive chord with your partner.

RESCUER OR THE RESCUED?

A relationship is not going to work if either one of you habitually rescues the other. When you rescue your partner on a continual basis, you're teaching that individual that there's no need for him to change since you will bail him out. He won't learn from past blunders. If you rescue him so regularly that others are aware of it, their reinforcing comments will tend to keep you locked into that pattern of behavior.

If you rescue others, what do you expect from them? Thanks, appreciation, perhaps even reciprocation. But in a close relationship you will often find this response lacking--especially if your partner is a taker. This is because when you rescue others you are exerting some type of control over them; and in time they can end up resenting you for it. The unspoken message conveyed to them is, "I'm better than you are, and you're not capable of handling things yourself."

If you find yourself always attracted to needy people, ask yourself: Are you choosing a partner for his strengths or weaknesses? Can you respond in a healthy way to a strong partner? If not, you have some work to do to discover and eliminate the needs you have to be a rescuer.

You can try to reshape, remake and reconstruct your partner, but you can't get gold out of a mine that's filled with lead.

MAKE YOUR LIST

v What constitutes a must-have or can't stand for you? List 10 of the qualities and/or characteristics your partner MUST have and 10 qualities or characteristics that you absolutely could not stand…Submit your desires to the Lord.

OTHER KEY SCRIPTURES

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Prov 18:22

22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

Eph 5:22-6:4

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1 Peter 3:1-7

3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

these maps of love and truth

2008-10-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

a new season waits for permission
you speak of it, you know it
holding it back, bound in ambiguity

dangling strings with poetry promises
keeping chances, blurring all the lines
drown your poetry! i want the truth.

if you mean it - mean it.
i meet vague contemplation
your underlying truth

:the borders fade
your emotions drawn across all the lines
scribbles
writing
scribbles

give me honesty
don't hide the truth
we waste the tide and the color in the moon
stealing its beauty in the shade of contemplation

days upon days of decisions
evading the light
each heart knowing its own deception

for once, give me its truth
show me the kindness i once could not accept
- let the lies die.

give me truth
i want to sing
in these invisible walls

songs of laughter
i can feel the significance of this
knowing that it's abundant life He wants for us.

He gives us the comfort of maps with invisible borders
to take the lines away
makes them nevertheless, real

for freedom they remain
we choose their safety or restriction
receive or refuse the good within Him

no more games - fall on honesty
it will show you a garden
whose borders are unknown

where beauty never fades and love is never-ending

rocking it on the edge

2008-10-21T14:51:00.001-07:00

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.

For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:2-8).

Sometimes I feel like the person in the bolded statement above. I am not fond of instability. God has done many amazing things for me, and delivered me from so many fears and so much pain. Yet, at times, I find myself doubting the completeness of His work. Memories are funny things. They often have a way of showing us what we want to see and leaving out the rest of the story. Today I was reminded of things I have been delivered from. Then this sinking feeling came in to my mind and I started thinking these things: Did God really mean it? What if my feelings change? What if I screw it up? Am I really worthy of forgiveness and love? DAH! I despise that.

I guess that's why God says to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). The truth is, there are going to be a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head for the rest of my life. Lately, there have been even more than usual, and it's starting to get a little bit interesting. I have started to recognize the legitimacy of chucking the nasty thoughts and re-aligning myself with the unconditional love of God. Bringing every thought captive to the truth of who Jesus is and what He is about is the only way I can even cope with life in general. The Bible says that He is truth. Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me (John 14:6). If He is truth, then the only way I can really measure my perceived notions of truth is by taking them to Jesus Himself. What does He say about me? That I am His temple.. "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16). I am part of a royal priesthood "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9).. He calls me blessed, beloved and free. I hate the thoughts that try and steal that from me. They are death. Wherever these death thoughts come from, I don't want them. Part of having a "human condition" means that I am going to struggle with them. I can't get away from it. However, I know that God has given me the power through His Spirit living within me to seek His heart out, pray and renew my mind in His word.

God, I am so thankful for Your Word! Jeremiah 15:16 says that Gods word bring life to us:
"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty".

This is my desire: I want to be able to know Him so well that I can discern what is aligned with Him and His truth and what is garbage from my insecurities, experiences or from the enemy. I don't want to blindly accept my thoughts as truth as soon as I think them, I want to bring them to Jesus. I know the Lord has revealed my own thoughts to me to show me the things beneath the surface that I would rather not deal with. Often thoughts are like the symptoms of a disease. If we don't deal with the symptoms we will have bigger problems in the long run.. Keeping a short account is where it's at - and lately, I have been reminded of this again and again. Insecurities are the worst, but God's love is the best! If we focus on Him - nothing can hold us down. The Bible says that nothing can separate us from the love of God - and that the love of God is powerful enough to keep us where we need to be in our thoughtlife - in Him. Jesus always went to the Father with His thoughts - and we are admonished to walk as Jesus did.

"The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did"(1 John 2:4-6).

"And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is at work in you who believe" (1 Thessalonians 2:13).

if this is unconditional

2008-10-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

The question of unconditional love:

You have captured my heart in space - suspended above the place where we sit
You look at me with eyes so intent on knowing
Still the question stands
Will this regard be fleeting?
I know what I look like naked - but you can only use your imagination
When you see my heart, what will you say?
What will you think after you know?
The disgraceful places I've been - the emptiness in lost memories not completely forgotten
Forgive me in advance and forgive me after
All the dirty, pretty things in me
Don't ignore. Look at them. Look at me.
Know them. Know me.
Wash me in love - only then will I be clean.
Only then am I free to love you... once you have seen, tasted, known.
Look at me in the deepest part and say
Your love is complete
Tell me truly -
Don't be who I need you to be: what I want is who you truly are.
Love is chosen, love is free; honest, with our eyes open.

Look at me again - and tell me who you see.

When I first wrote this I didn't feel like God wanted me to post it - so I waited.. but now I know it is right, and I know that I have received my answer:

thank you!!!

2008-10-17T09:48:00.000-07:00

I just want to state for the record, that I feel so incredibly blessed. I was thinking back to this past summer when I had the opportunity to go to Guatemala to practice nursing... and again, I realized how blessed I am! God paid my way to go.. He was so gracious to me and loved me through the process of trusting Him to provide - and He needs to be recognized for how amazing He truly is!

I woke up this morning thinking about the things I take for granted such as: heat, hot water, bug-free bedding, baths, peanut butter, clean water, real milk (not powdered), cars, nail polish, whole wheat bread, chocolate.. the list just goes on and on. I just don't get it? I live in the most beautiful place on earth: on a mountain overlooking a valley full of vineyards.. The sunlight bathes the clouds and hills in light each morning - and the sunsets are absolutely intoxicating.. God -- you need to be recognized for THIS. You alone have created the heavens and the earth; and You have blessed me with it all!

Life is mixed with the bitter and the sweet - the painful and the beautiful.. and I am so glad that we get to experience it all. I am so glad that I have experienced walking through two feet of putrid sewer water and laughed while doing it. The other day I was struck by the fact that I have two legs. I have two legs!!! I can RUN! Do you realize how amazing that is?! I am so blessed to be able to dance, walk, stretch and play. It's the little things that make the most difference. Perspective is such a powerful tool.. Life is what we choose to make of it. We can get caught in pain or we can choose to walk out forgiveness and live a life that is free and beckons others to be free as well. I am so glad that I have known and felt what it is to be in love with Jesus in the midst of the most painful and beautiful experiences of life... to know the sunshine and the rain.

And I challenge you.. look at life through new eyes again.. what are you thankful for? What opportunities has God given you lately that have shown His faithfulness in bringing healing and restoration into your life? HE IS GOOD! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.. Though the circumstances of life change, He never does.. His love for you is never-ending, unfathomably rich and beautiful - so dive in! Put some new shoes on and experience the freedom of Gods love! He wrote this story for us! How amazing this kind of love is!!!

honest fear; true love

2008-10-15T17:35:00.001-07:00

"Fear is a natural response to danger that quickens the mind's efforts to anticipate and avoid potential peril or problems. However, stemming from the irrational part of the mind, it knows no logic and sometimes gets unhinged from its target. People whose lives have been filled with fear often continue to be afraid long after the potential danger has been removed, making up their own, irrational, reasons"...

I was thinking about fear today because of something that happened yesterday. It is such a weird experience: how someone in the present can do something that reminds you of someone in the past. Even though it's a different person who has different morals and a completely different value system, it's like there's an invisible network linking the present to the past. Your irrational fear reminds you of what happened last time and tells you that unless you completely cut the new potential hurt out of your life - it will just happen again.
I espouse to have all of these beliefs and values when it comes to love. I think I know what unconditional love means to a certain extent, and that I have the capacity to trust someones' actions implicitly if I want to. The truth is I don't know what that even means anymore. Whatever trust I did have died a slow and miserable death when I was repeatedly lied to, used and mistreated. I don't expect pity for that statement - that's not why I wrote it. I wrote it because I want to know how you can keep yourself from running away when that's all you're good at? The walls I have built up around me, alienating anyone who looks like a potential threat are down and I don't know how to put them up.. maybe it's really just that I don't want to.. or I forgot to put them up this time? Someone started to walk around in the house of my heart and I promptly freaked out.... How do you trust, - when the last person you were completely open with broke every promise they ever made? How do you expect more now when you have come to expect nothing? How do you rebuild self-worth and inspire respect and fair treatment from a new friendship, when you don't even know what those things look like anymore?

I never realized how afraid I was until yesterday, today - now. I know that perfect love casts out fear.. that the one who fears is not made perfect in love.. I have a long journey ahead of me in this regard. I have known the unconditional love of Jesus.. and it is unparalleled and beautiful. There are people who love like He does - I suppose I just have to start asking Jesus who I can trust and who can't. I wish that I had chosen to ask God that question more - if I had of done that before I probably wouldn't be in this situation now. But I have no intention to live in the past. I have purposed to live in the present with love and an open heart. And when I get wounded, to bring it to Him. I am tired of trying to protect myself all the time, it is exhausting. Plus, it's not my job - Jesus is privileged to protect me. The Bible says He is a strong fortress, mighty and just.. and that makes me feel very secure and safe.. All I can do is bring the present circumstances under the love of God and work through this with Him.

All of your ways and all your thunder
Got me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
We we gonna go from here?.. Mat Kearny

an afterthought

2008-10-15T07:58:00.001-07:00

perhaps i have felt the grass under my feet and that's what keeps me with you. or maybe it's the water in the rain - the ocean captivating me. i have seen the sky and the sun has burned me with fire; you, my friend, have touched my heart.. i let you.

briers and thorns have been the price for this silence and protection. what is safety really? in the arms of life it is a facade - a magical apparition that floats in and out of existence. i was not safe when i was in my castle and i am not safe with you.

i am afraid.

of being nothing. a joke. your courtesy. a meaningless gesture. obligation.
an afterthought.

we travel down this road together. speak or be silent. i won't ask you to say anything. just walk with me to the end of this road.

your hand in mine.

2008-08-09T21:02:00.000-07:00

it doesn't take confidence
it takes knowing what you want
and maybe in knowing what you want
you gain confidence.

the bitterness comes from being passive.
the sweetness from gaining what you long for
or in losing it.. whichever it may be..
both are outcomes of desire -
whatever the result, at least the dream was wanted.
at least it was not an object of cruel indifference
or didn't become the victim of passivity
to lay like dust on the shelf of my memory

it never did anyone any harm to ask
so
i am asking.
the worst thing that could happen is the answer is no
i can deal with that
at least i asked
at least i wanted
in asking there is that
which makes me alive.
there is a relationship with You.

Yeshua.
You who know me better than any other
will ever know me...
You who knows what is best.
i trust You
and as David said,
I hope in Your unfailing love..

i know i'll understand

2008-04-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

i wonder if all the tears we shed will make sense one day. i wonder why there are things that can't be expressed in words. are those inexpressable things, God? do they come from Him? pain too profound, love too deep, that it can't be restricted by words... it reaches too far... almost as though it goes into us and through us - some limitless force by which we are changed.

i often hate being able to feel that much. it makes me tired. it brings me to the end of myself and that's when i am forced to remember God and His love. it is a good thing because it forces me to fall back on Him and rest in knowing that even if none of this makes any sense - He is good, He is there and His permanence is changeless.. faultless.

i would like more answers. but i know i won't get them. not now, anyways. i don't know how i trust in a God that doesn't tell me what i want to know when i want to know it. i don't know how i trust Him so completely... but i do. somehow over time He has shown me His goodness prevails throughout all circumstances and trials.. and His plan is far superior to my own..

i never thought i would believe that brokenness leads us closer. but it does. somehow brokenness shatters the barriers and walls we put up between us and the world around us. between us and God. our skin becomes thin.. our sensitivity increases and suddenly, we have a heart that beats in tune with His.

i don't know where life will take me, i just know i want to go hand in hand with my savior. there's this song by Reuben Morgan and he says of God, "when i see you, I know I'll understand". those words struck me because i know they are true. one day, when i come face to face with God.. i know i'll understand.. that love bigger than the universe, indescribable and infinite erases this life ~ it's strife and pain become obscolete in view of His majesty and beauty.. i think in the moment i see Him, i'll forget everything here and want nothing more than to spend the rest of forever with Him. just knowing that that is what i have to look forward to gives me hope.

all i ask is for Him to be with me now. i know He is.. but i still find the desire just to implore Him: to be with me now. when all seems grey. when all is calm.. joyful even.. i don't want to be alone. i am thankful for His promises. i stand justified in Christ.

...i am thankful that He is with me, even now....

perfect timing

2008-04-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I have plans. I think everyone has plans for their life.. it’s kind of normal to hope and dream different things. Have you ever just wanted something more than anything and had the pervasive feeling like God just wouldn’t let you have it? I don’t know where I get this idea that God would ever hold out on me or that He doesn’t have my best interests at heart, because I know He does.. It’s funny how we can want something to work out (in our finite way of perceiving) and really hold on to its outcome being how we want it to be.

God kind of woke me up to the fact that I don’t need to stress about things in that regard. In fact, the other day I felt a strong impression that I didn’t have to worry about the future, my dreams, my hope or longings. I felt as though His Spirit was saying to me, “Don’t you know that I have good things planned for you, that you are completely taken care of in every way”? The amazing thing about God is that His plan is so much bigger than I can possibly imagine… so why would I want to grasp at crumbs when He has prepared a feast before me? It’s funny how the world has a mentality of “take whatever you can get” and God completely contradicts that mindset. God is BIG. Really big. So big that in my limited perspective and comprehension I can’t even begin to see how far His plan reaches and how He will put everything together in such a way as to execute His will perfectly.

It has taken a while, but I have begun to rest in that. To rest in God and the truth that He is in control and that in my own hands I might be able to come up with something good – but in God’s hands there is a masterpiece just waiting to unfold. My hopes and longings are fulfilled in God as His plan unfolds.. and that is a beautiful thing. There is no fear of disappointment or inadequacy. He is in control and everything will unfold as it should in perfect timing.

pure

2008-04-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

What draws me to you in perfect light?
Purity
Conscience
Love

Beauty and space surround the world
I am not alone

these profound afflictions beckoning me to you: you to me

2008-03-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

I could live in hidden reflections or I could live out loud
Does it scare you that I still don't know
Falling and falling again
I am not worthy
I cannot change that fact
It was where I was born
Who I was born
Am I new?
Is it true?
Can I choose to believe this?
You stand back afar from me
Just looking
What do you want me to say?
You already know that what I need
Is you
Is all wrapped up in you
So why do you stand far off?

Don't you see these stains?
Don't you know the times I've denied you again and again?
How my actions have despised your remembrance
How my words have told lies at your expense
How my thoughts have been all tied up in me
I am not worthy
And yet you're looking at me
Just waiting
For a chance to swoop me up again
In those arms... oh my soul
The closeness I want
Seems an eternity from my reach

DO YOU SEE ME JESUS
DO YOU REALLY
OR IS THIS JUST A GAME?
I have treated you shamefully
It is I
Dancing with the ghost of a person
Nailed to the cross on that day
You lifted my burdens and took my sin away
I have nothing but you
Tell me not to stand here anymore
Tell me to run into your arms again
I can't stand this any longer
Pounding on this door once again
Oh Son of David, have mercy on me
Beloved Oh.. have mercy on me..
LOVE revealed violently in front of me
Washing me clean...
Take me away forever
Never let us part
Head to head
Heart of my heart
Breath of my breath
Take me away... take me away...
I only want to be with you
I ONLY WANT YOU
Can't you see?
Can't you see?
Come closer to me..
I haven't the strength to move
Take me, take me, take me...
I am yours!
I belong to you alone
Abba.. stay....
Stay, please..... just stay.

radical

2008-03-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

radical: of or going to the root or origin; fundamental.

rad·i·cal·ness, noun
—Synonyms 1. basic, essential; original, innate, ingrained. 2. complete, unqualified, thorough; drastic, excessive, immoderate, violent. Radical, extreme, fanatical denote that which goes beyond moderation or even to excess in opinion, belief, action, etc. Radical emphasizes the idea of going to the root of a matter, and this often seems immoderate in its thoroughness or completeness: radical ideas; radical changes or reforms. Extreme applies to excessively biased ideas, intemperate conduct, or repressive legislation: to use extreme measures. Fanatical is applied to a person who has extravagant views, esp. in matters of religion or morality, which render that person incapable of sound judgments; and excessive zeal which leads him or her to take violent action against those who have differing views: fanatical in persecuting others.
—Antonyms 1, 2. superficial.

love

2008-03-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

Some of my thoughts on l.o.v.e.

I don't consider myself extraordinary. In fact, I have many ordinary thoughts that many other human beings have. The thing that always fascinates me is love.. even the word, 'love'... is somewhat mystical and has a intriguing definition. I recently read about 150 different famous quotes on love. All of them show a side to the human perception, definition and understanding of love. With so much written, spoken, contemplated, debated and hypothesized about love - it made me pause and ask myself, "So what is it about love that makes it so worthwhile?". Really, truly meaningful. All I can write about it what I know and have experienced in my short life and splice in the wisdom gleaned from others who have walked this path before me. All I have is what I know today.. tomorrow will be different.. better, brighter.. further on this journey known as love.

More and more I have been confronted by the fact that love is a gift. Consequently, if we hold is too tightly, or expect too much - or put all of our hopes in it.. it just withers and dies.. Love is meant to be a gift that is given day after day... moment after moment.. If it becomes a requirement, an expectation, a possession or demand.. it is no longer love - it is an object.. it loses its mysticism, its beauty, freedom and power.. It becomes the opposite of its nature.. stale and lifeless.

When I think of love I see a beautiful garden with all of these wild flowers, trees... leagues and leagues of meadow and green. Vast, infinite, always growing at random, but maintaining boundaries... no one attribute of the garden overshadows another.. it's a reciprocal relationship - everything moving in one harmonious melody to the music of kindness, reverance, respect, esteem and unconditional acceptance.

Everyday I find I learn a little more about what it means to love. To not live for extreme passion or extreme deprivation.. I am learning that to love, I must release everything I have inside my heart to God.. continually. True love is unconditional love.. freeing love.. 'letting go' love... Something that amazes me is the fact that the Bible says that even while we were still sinners, Jesus died for the ones he loved! "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:7-9" Imagine that!?! Imagine giving someone the choice to choose you - but accepting the fact that they could still be met with your blatant rejection! Laying your entire life down for that person.. ENTIRELY... and accepting that even in doing so they could say nope, I don't want your love.

I don't want your love. Those are harsh words... But how often do I say them? Probably rarely if ever.. but I think them sometimes.. The startling thing about love is that it's real.. it's a CHOICE.. and it's a FREE CHOICE.. it's not a requirement or an expectation.. it's free.. I hope to offer others my love with that same posture in my heart.. to let it be known that I offer love.. but it is not based on condition.. and does not expect to be reciprocated.. no.. it is offered because I was once offered it freely.. If Jesus could offer me love - expecting nothing in return.. then I too, must in the same heart, by the power of His Spirit living inside of me - offer you love freely..

The verse, "You have freely received.. now freely give..." has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning in my life...

Love never claims, it ever gives. - Ghandi

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go - Herman Hesse

If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. - Thich Nhat Hanh

Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul. - St. Augustine

Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, both are infinite.
~William Shakespeare

For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

a merry heart

2008-03-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. King Solomon left among his wise sayings a prescription for sick and sad hearts, and it is one that we can safely take. A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. Joy is the great restorer and healer. Gladness of spirit will bring health to the bones and vitality to the nerves when all other tonics fail and all other sedatives cease to quiet. Are you ill? Begin to rejoice in the Lord, and your bones will flourish like an herb, and your cheeks will glow with the bloom of health and freshness. Worry, fear, distrust, care-all are poisonous! joy is balm and healing, and if you will but rejoice, God will give power. He has commanded you to be glad and rejoice, and He never fails to sustain His children in keeping His commandments. Rejoice in the Lord always, He says. This means no matter how sad, how tempted, how sick, how suffering you are, rejoice in the Lord just where you are-and begin this moment. The joy of the Lord is the strength of our body, The gladness of Jesus, the balm for our pain, His life and His fullness, our fountain of healing, His joy, our elixir for body and brain.

A.B Simpson

breaking apart

2008-03-18T16:13:00.000-07:00

we think we know it
we think we've found the essence
but we've only just begun

when i say i love You
what does that even mean?
would you never require me to show You?
my skin unscathed... my heart far from You
in my eyes - the absence of water

i am here and i am listening
oftentimes pensive, face down
were i younger i would have told myself
the worth of this

time is precious
this time with You
only now my heart awakens
to this light

here i am!
can You not see me?
what words would turn your ears?
if i plead, will You listen?

mingled with the things of the world
i've turned my thoughts away
but here i am again
listening.. watching.. waiting
pleading

Father, be mine...

no matter how close
the yearning never ceases
there is something in the longing
that needs You closer, dearer to me

than yesterday..

today...

... always:

i can never get enough of You - how can this be?
it takes the very breath from my chest
it takes my mind up
filling my consciousness with nothing but You.

as You look upon my naked heart
your gaze brings fire
i cannot look at You
You are holy..
and i am dust..
grass.. sand..

i flourish in Your house
You tend to me so carefully
i throw myself on You, Jesus
breaking apart willingly

every moment.. a journey
even now, i am aware of my selfishness
drowning
in brokenness

but it is necessary
for i am Yours
every mystical place in my heart
is open

break me until i look like You

shine Your light
shine Your light

... Your hands...
... Your feet...
... Your face...
... Your blood...

drawing me in
pulling me closer
passionate and true,
lover, Savior, redeemer - friend!

exposing the real
unforsakeable, tangible
Spirit
transforming my life

tears cannot convey the depth of this love
it is painful to look at You..

Your beauty breaks my heart.

choices

2008-03-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

today begins a journey into something new. i find it curious how free choice is. to be or not to be ________ .

free will is so odd, yet - beautiful.

today, i am thankful for the freedom of choice.

it's strange how making choices can free us or bind us - and it all depends on us.

choice is my birthright. we all are born into a world full of choices. certain things may enslave us - internally or externally... but at a certain point, we can choose to be free.. we can be free if we align our choices with freedom.

it's in my hands to honour that privilege by living a life in passionate surrender to God or doing whatever i want whenever i feel like it. either way - i will have to live with the repercussions of my choices.

today i have JOY because i was given the choice to choose. i am thankful to God for that... it's pretty cool when you think about it.

with eternity in our hearts

2008-03-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

there is no grasping what is already ours..
revealed and promised
you exist
the things which are not
are...
the things which are yet to be

jealousy cannot change our destiny
it cannot bind us, fill us or draw us apart
for each of us, there is only one -
i have no entitlements.. no expectations..
for everything i see is a gift
you do not belong to me any more
than the sky belongs to me

all this lasts but for a moment
its permanence i cannot contrive or extend
by my thoughts or by my wanting
for in and of myself... i am nothing

grace has given me to you
and grace will take me away one day
eternal glory shines in the heart
reflections of His face show in each of us
different expressions of the same thing
all is love

what am i to you?
what are you to me?
can one human being own another?
can naming flesh make it ours?

for we are water and we are dust
spirit filled beings
the only eternal part~
it is the Spirit who draws us together
who makes us one
i, with natural hands would fail to fashion such things
as friendship, promise... and a love stronger than death

but He who made these things
let Him be witness for us,
fashion in us a heart with open hands releasing
each breath
take us where He wills.. lead us where we should go
why are the difficult places not as worthy of our passion
as these places of beauty?
why should we be above surrender?
or is our comfort all that we long to know...
it would be ashes in our mouths

no
we stand true
united in purpose
desire and vision..

You i love
... i have yearned for..

but not as much as this:
to know Him who made love and gave us a reason to love at all.
there is nothing i would not give to Him
should He require it
for i am His

i will not ask you to be less than you are
- the truest love in me
becomes my burden,
this heart aflame..

the only sacrifice i have
comes at the greatest cost
and yet it bears no shame

with joy surpassing sorrows
i lay my love for you down
there to remain forever

at His feet

the hug

2008-03-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

Bradley Hathaway

this reminds me of how tangible love is. it's beautiful... Jesus, is beautiful.

beauty for ashes

2008-03-02T23:22:00.000-08:00

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning to us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because so long I was
So in love with you
or so I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies about the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Chorus romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Chorus romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between * Flyleaf

with eyes wide open

2008-02-28T00:59:00.001-08:00

why is it that it takes us so long to unravel ourselves from the cycles we go through? we take so long to live truth in our lives - even when we've heard it again and again. it's often that the most important changes we need to make in our lives are the hardest ones to implement. we may come up with a justifiable amount of resolve.. but so often, we find ourselves in exactly the same place we started.

i think i owe it to the world to change. we only have a maximum of 100 years or so on the earth. i am challenged by the ways i am wasting my existence. there are children starving everywhere... there is slavery, oppression, prejudice and racism.. war.. so many are born into this world at a complete disadvantage.. and here i am, living a beautiful North American life with all of this wealth surrounding me... and i am saddened by my self because i still feel like i could be giving more.. loving more.. sacrificing.

what is sacrifice to the North American, really? and i'm not speaking to those that are struggling right now.. i pray you find your feet.. i'm more or less speaking to myself.. and to those who have it in their power to do great and beautiful things in this world. why do we sit idlely by? why do we get trapped in bitterness, negativity, fear and doubt when freedom is ours if we'll only claim it!

when we have all of these opportunities at our fingertips, why not take advantage of them for the benefit of humanity? why is it that we live such self-centered, gluttonous lives in North America? believe me - if it sounds like i'm judging - i'm judging myself first and foremost.. i just feel like we live in this land of amazing opportunity and yet so many people are completely disatisfied... so many people have areas of their lives that they're wasting - areas that are void of depth and meaning. i have areas like this. i think we all do. it is devastatingly humbling to be confronted by that truth..

here is my challenge to myself and to you:
do. go. have faith.. and do the hardest thing you can think of doing. be the change you wish to see in the world. don't let past failures determine whether you will succeed - because you will succeed if you never give up.. keep trusting in God to carry you beyond the possible into the realm of the impossible so that you can learn what it means to be carried on his strength and not just your own. i am learning so much about trusting God and what that means... i'm not very good at it.. but you know, that's ok. i want to let go of the idea of being good at things or not good at them. life is not a competition.. faith is not a competition... love and approval is not something i need to earn with God.. when i don't have trust in God - he becomes trust for me.. when i don't have goodness - he is goodness in me.. everything i'm not - he is through me because he is in my spirit and i remain in him when i trust him.. all things are possible...

let's trust God for our journeys.. let's not waste even a moment of another day.. i'm so sick and tired of my own excuses.. it's time for change.

Oh my love for the first time in my life

My eyes are wide open

Oh my love for the first time in my life

My eyes can see

I see the wind

Oh I see the trees

Everything is clear in my heart

I see the clouds

Oh I see the sky

Everything is clear in our world

Oh my love for the first time in my life

My mind is wide open

oh my love for the first time in my life

My mind can feel

I feel the sorrow

Oh I feel dreams

Everything is clear in my heart

Everything is clear in our world

I feel life

Oh I feel love....

~ John Lennon

child of God

2008-02-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

we empty ourselves to be filled with God. even God cannot fill what is full. - Mother Theresa

this is so beautiful. we empty ourselves of self and the preoccupation with self.. only then is God free to fill us with who he is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, temperance.. and this is so beautiful to me. any time i become discouraged or preoccupied with my flaws, failings or even think too highly of my successes - when i lay my self-consciousness at God's feet.. i am free to be me.. no worry, no striving or boasting.. wrapped up in His love and unmerited favor - a child of God.

the spirit satisfied

2008-02-25T19:38:00.000-08:00

the concept of regeneration as found in the Bible speaks of the process of passing out of death into life. a man's spirit before regeneration is far away from God and is considered dead, for death is dissociation from life and from God who is the fountain of life. death is hence, seperation from God. man's spirit is dead and therefore unable to commune with him. either his soul (mind, will, emotions) controls him and plunges him into a life of ideas and imaginings, or the lusts and habits of his body stimulate him and reduce his soul to servitude. - Watchman Nee

these words are like water. how true they are. when we are out of touch with God - the things of this world take our focus, time and energy. we can become like ever-searching automatons looking for the next fix that will bring us to a place of contentment. nothing satisfies my spirit like Jesus does. and i think that what Watchman is saying is that when the spirit is satisfied, man lives in his highest state of being - the soul and flesh cease to exist in terms of importance.. we are no longer enticed to walk around captive to every whim, thought and desire.. to me - living in communion with the Spirit of God is the only means by which i can acquire true and lasting freedom!

Eagle vs Shark

2008-02-23T22:31:00.000-08:00

Lily (pretending to be Jarrod): Lily, I've brought you here today to ask you a very special question -

Lily: What is it?

Still pretending to be Jarrod: I've never felt this way about anyone before

Lily: Same - it feels really natural

Jarrod: Now Lily, will you be my girlfriend?

Lily: Yes... yes I will.

Jarrod: ... awesome