i know i'll understand

i wonder if all the tears we shed will make sense one day. i wonder why there are things that can't be expressed in words. are those inexpressable things, God? do they come from Him? pain too profound, love too deep, that it can't be restricted by words... it reaches too far... almost as though it goes into us and through us - some limitless force by which we are changed.

i often hate being able to feel that much. it makes me tired. it brings me to the end of myself and that's when i am forced to remember God and His love. it is a good thing because it forces me to fall back on Him and rest in knowing that even if none of this makes any sense - He is good, He is there and His permanence is changeless.. faultless.

i would like more answers. but i know i won't get them. not now, anyways. i don't know how i trust in a God that doesn't tell me what i want to know when i want to know it. i don't know how i trust Him so completely... but i do. somehow over time He has shown me His goodness prevails throughout all circumstances and trials.. and His plan is far superior to my own..

i never thought i would believe that brokenness leads us closer. but it does. somehow brokenness shatters the barriers and walls we put up between us and the world around us. between us and God. our skin becomes thin.. our sensitivity increases and suddenly, we have a heart that beats in tune with His.

i don't know where life will take me, i just know i want to go hand in hand with my savior. there's this song by Reuben Morgan and he says of God, "when i see you, I know I'll understand". those words struck me because i know they are true. one day, when i come face to face with God.. i know i'll understand.. that love bigger than the universe, indescribable and infinite erases this life ~ it's strife and pain become obscolete in view of His majesty and beauty.. i think in the moment i see Him, i'll forget everything here and want nothing more than to spend the rest of forever with Him. just knowing that that is what i have to look forward to gives me hope.

all i ask is for Him to be with me now. i know He is.. but i still find the desire just to implore Him: to be with me now. when all seems grey. when all is calm.. joyful even.. i don't want to be alone. i am thankful for His promises. i stand justified in Christ.

...i am thankful that He is with me, even now....