these profound afflictions beckoning me to you: you to me

I could live in hidden reflections or I could live out loud
Does it scare you that I still don't know
Falling and falling again
I am not worthy
I cannot change that fact
It was where I was born
Who I was born
Am I new?
Is it true?
Can I choose to believe this?
You stand back afar from me
Just looking
What do you want me to say?
You already know that what I need
Is you
Is all wrapped up in you
So why do you stand far off?

Don't you see these stains?
Don't you know the times I've denied you again and again?
How my actions have despised your remembrance
How my words have told lies at your expense
How my thoughts have been all tied up in me
I am not worthy
And yet you're looking at me
Just waiting
For a chance to swoop me up again
In those arms... oh my soul
The closeness I want
Seems an eternity from my reach

DO YOU SEE ME JESUS
DO YOU REALLY
OR IS THIS JUST A GAME?
I have treated you shamefully
It is I
Dancing with the ghost of a person
Nailed to the cross on that day
You lifted my burdens and took my sin away
I have nothing but you
Tell me not to stand here anymore
Tell me to run into your arms again
I can't stand this any longer
Pounding on this door once again
Oh Son of David, have mercy on me
Beloved Oh.. have mercy on me..
LOVE revealed violently in front of me
Washing me clean...
Take me away forever
Never let us part
Head to head
Heart of my heart
Breath of my breath
Take me away... take me away...
I only want to be with you
I ONLY WANT YOU
Can't you see?
Can't you see?
Come closer to me..
I haven't the strength to move
Take me, take me, take me...
I am yours!
I belong to you alone
Abba.. stay....
Stay, please..... just stay.

radical

radical: of or going to the root or origin; fundamental.

rad·i·cal·ness, noun
—Synonyms 1. basic, essential; original, innate, ingrained. 2. complete, unqualified, thorough; drastic, excessive, immoderate, violent. Radical, extreme, fanatical denote that which goes beyond moderation or even to excess in opinion, belief, action, etc. Radical emphasizes the idea of going to the root of a matter, and this often seems immoderate in its thoroughness or completeness: radical ideas; radical changes or reforms. Extreme applies to excessively biased ideas, intemperate conduct, or repressive legislation: to use extreme measures. Fanatical is applied to a person who has extravagant views, esp. in matters of religion or morality, which render that person incapable of sound judgments; and excessive zeal which leads him or her to take violent action against those who have differing views: fanatical in persecuting others.
—Antonyms 1, 2. superficial.

love

Some of my thoughts on l.o.v.e.

I don't consider myself extraordinary. In fact, I have many ordinary thoughts that many other human beings have. The thing that always fascinates me is love.. even the word, 'love'... is somewhat mystical and has a intriguing definition. I recently read about 150 different famous quotes on love. All of them show a side to the human perception, definition and understanding of love. With so much written, spoken, contemplated, debated and hypothesized about love - it made me pause and ask myself, "So what is it about love that makes it so worthwhile?". Really, truly meaningful. All I can write about it what I know and have experienced in my short life and splice in the wisdom gleaned from others who have walked this path before me. All I have is what I know today.. tomorrow will be different.. better, brighter.. further on this journey known as love.

More and more I have been confronted by the fact that love is a gift. Consequently, if we hold is too tightly, or expect too much - or put all of our hopes in it.. it just withers and dies.. Love is meant to be a gift that is given day after day... moment after moment.. If it becomes a requirement, an expectation, a possession or demand.. it is no longer love - it is an object.. it loses its mysticism, its beauty, freedom and power.. It becomes the opposite of its nature.. stale and lifeless.

When I think of love I see a beautiful garden with all of these wild flowers, trees... leagues and leagues of meadow and green. Vast, infinite, always growing at random, but maintaining boundaries... no one attribute of the garden overshadows another.. it's a reciprocal relationship - everything moving in one harmonious melody to the music of kindness, reverance, respect, esteem and unconditional acceptance.

Everyday I find I learn a little more about what it means to love. To not live for extreme passion or extreme deprivation.. I am learning that to love, I must release everything I have inside my heart to God.. continually. True love is unconditional love.. freeing love.. 'letting go' love... Something that amazes me is the fact that the Bible says that even while we were still sinners, Jesus died for the ones he loved! "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:7-9" Imagine that!?! Imagine giving someone the choice to choose you - but accepting the fact that they could still be met with your blatant rejection! Laying your entire life down for that person.. ENTIRELY... and accepting that even in doing so they could say nope, I don't want your love.

I don't want your love. Those are harsh words... But how often do I say them? Probably rarely if ever.. but I think them sometimes.. The startling thing about love is that it's real.. it's a CHOICE.. and it's a FREE CHOICE.. it's not a requirement or an expectation.. it's free.. I hope to offer others my love with that same posture in my heart.. to let it be known that I offer love.. but it is not based on condition.. and does not expect to be reciprocated.. no.. it is offered because I was once offered it freely.. If Jesus could offer me love - expecting nothing in return.. then I too, must in the same heart, by the power of His Spirit living inside of me - offer you love freely..

The verse, "You have freely received.. now freely give..." has suddenly taken on a whole new meaning in my life...

Love never claims, it ever gives. - Ghandi

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go - Herman Hesse

If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. - Thich Nhat Hanh

Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul. - St. Augustine

Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde


My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, both are infinite.
~William Shakespeare

For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

a merry heart

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. King Solomon left among his wise sayings a prescription for sick and sad hearts, and it is one that we can safely take. A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. Joy is the great restorer and healer. Gladness of spirit will bring health to the bones and vitality to the nerves when all other tonics fail and all other sedatives cease to quiet. Are you ill? Begin to rejoice in the Lord, and your bones will flourish like an herb, and your cheeks will glow with the bloom of health and freshness. Worry, fear, distrust, care-all are poisonous! joy is balm and healing, and if you will but rejoice, God will give power. He has commanded you to be glad and rejoice, and He never fails to sustain His children in keeping His commandments. Rejoice in the Lord always, He says. This means no matter how sad, how tempted, how sick, how suffering you are, rejoice in the Lord just where you are-and begin this moment. The joy of the Lord is the strength of our body, The gladness of Jesus, the balm for our pain, His life and His fullness, our fountain of healing, His joy, our elixir for body and brain.

A.B Simpson

breaking apart

we think we know it
we think we've found the essence
but we've only just begun

when i say i love You
what does that even mean?
would you never require me to show You?
my skin unscathed... my heart far from You
in my eyes - the absence of water

i am here and i am listening
oftentimes pensive, face down
were i younger i would have told myself
the worth of this

time is precious
this time with You
only now my heart awakens
to this light

here i am!
can You not see me?
what words would turn your ears?
if i plead, will You listen?

mingled with the things of the world
i've turned my thoughts away
but here i am again
listening.. watching.. waiting
pleading

Father, be mine...

no matter how close
the yearning never ceases
there is something in the longing
that needs You closer, dearer to me

than yesterday..

today...

... always:

i can never get enough of You - how can this be?
it takes the very breath from my chest
it takes my mind up
filling my consciousness with nothing but You.

as You look upon my naked heart
your gaze brings fire
i cannot look at You
You are holy..
and i am dust..
grass.. sand..

i flourish in Your house
You tend to me so carefully
i throw myself on You, Jesus
breaking apart willingly

every moment.. a journey
even now, i am aware of my selfishness
drowning
in brokenness

but it is necessary
for i am Yours
every mystical place in my heart
is open

break me until i look like You

shine Your light
shine Your light

... Your hands...
... Your feet...
... Your face...
... Your blood...

drawing me in
pulling me closer
passionate and true,
lover, Savior, redeemer - friend!

exposing the real
unforsakeable, tangible
Spirit
transforming my life

tears cannot convey the depth of this love
it is painful to look at You..

Your beauty breaks my heart.

choices

today begins a journey into something new. i find it curious how free choice is. to be or not to be ________ .

free will is so odd, yet - beautiful.

today, i am thankful for the freedom of choice.

it's strange how making choices can free us or bind us - and it all depends on us.

choice is my birthright. we all are born into a world full of choices. certain things may enslave us - internally or externally... but at a certain point, we can choose to be free.. we can be free if we align our choices with freedom.

it's in my hands to honour that privilege by living a life in passionate surrender to God or doing whatever i want whenever i feel like it. either way - i will have to live with the repercussions of my choices.

today i have JOY because i was given the choice to choose. i am thankful to God for that... it's pretty cool when you think about it.

with eternity in our hearts

there is no grasping what is already ours..
revealed and promised
you exist
the things which are not
are...
the things which are yet to be

jealousy cannot change our destiny
it cannot bind us, fill us or draw us apart
for each of us, there is only one -
i have no entitlements.. no expectations..
for everything i see is a gift
you do not belong to me any more
than the sky belongs to me

all this lasts but for a moment
its permanence i cannot contrive or extend
by my thoughts or by my wanting
for in and of myself... i am nothing

grace has given me to you
and grace will take me away one day
eternal glory shines in the heart
reflections of His face show in each of us
different expressions of the same thing
all is love

what am i to you?
what are you to me?
can one human being own another?
can naming flesh make it ours?

for we are water and we are dust
spirit filled beings
the only eternal part~
it is the Spirit who draws us together
who makes us one
i, with natural hands would fail to fashion such things
as friendship, promise... and a love stronger than death

but He who made these things
let Him be witness for us,
fashion in us a heart with open hands releasing
each breath
take us where He wills.. lead us where we should go
why are the difficult places not as worthy of our passion
as these places of beauty?
why should we be above surrender?
or is our comfort all that we long to know...
it would be ashes in our mouths

no
we stand true
united in purpose
desire and vision..

You i love
... i have yearned for..

but not as much as this:
to know Him who made love and gave us a reason to love at all.
there is nothing i would not give to Him
should He require it
for i am His


i will not ask you to be less than you are
- the truest love in me
becomes my burden,
this heart aflame..

the only sacrifice i have
comes at the greatest cost
and yet it bears no shame

with joy surpassing sorrows
i lay my love for you down
there to remain forever

at His feet

the hug

I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you just ever hug people

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pit pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry because
I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hold pose until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

Bradley Hathaway

this reminds me of how tangible love is. it's beautiful... Jesus, is beautiful.

beauty for ashes

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning to us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because so long I was
So in love with you
or so I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods you learn too much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies about the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Chorus romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Chorus romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between * Flyleaf