jealous?

Lovely, oh how I've missed you

Time has slowed way down

And removed what has felt like a part of my soul

I've waited and waited for my love

To melt through the ice that

Keeps you from dancing, keeps you alone

Follow me to the temple

Where we first met

It was love at first touch

But since then

Your affairs have you

Down on your face again - down on your face again..

Lovely, your heart can be trusted

But the toll road you've taken

Has cost you much more than you realize

So hold fast to all you've been given

And cling to the lifeline

You've had within reach all of this time

Follow me to the temple

Where we first met

It was love as first touch

But since then

Your affairs have you

Down on your face again, down on your face again

Try and remember the things that I've said to you

Follow me to the temple

It was love at first touch

Follow me into the daylight

And it will be like it was, like it was

To have you again my love

To have you again my love

To have you again my love

To have you again

                                 ~ Lovely, by Jason Morant: 

     http://www.myspace.com/jasonmorantmusic

This song reminds me of how jealous God is for our love - for our whole heart. Yesterday I was reminded of the amazing desire God has for us. He longs to heal us and to set us free. Jeremiah 30:17 says, "For I will restore you to health and I will heal you of your wounds," declares the Lord, "Because they have called you an outcast, saying: "It is Zion: no one cares for her". God revealed that verse to me in the summer and ever since then I revisit it and cling to the promise within it. 

Last night the Lord directed me to Zechariah 8:2 which talks about Gods' jealous heart for us: "Thus says the Lord of hosts, "I am exceedingly jealous for Zion, yes, with great wrath I am jealous for her"...

I love the fact that God is jealous for my love.. it doesn't make me feel like He's being possessive or controlling. He is such a gentleman, and only invites you and I to partake of His love.. at the same time I know His heart burns for us, His bride. So beautiful. 

It is so humbling that the God of the universe - the God who made the oceans, the forests and stars wants our love more than any other thing. I don't understand it, and I'm pretty certain I never will. All I know is, it is such a beautiful thing to be loved so unconditionally. I was thinking about that today - how God teaches us to love like He does through different circumstances. It's hard to love unconditionally (if you've tried, then you know what I mean). Through Jesus love, we can love that way - it just takes counting the cost, committing to His purposes, and saying yes. 

It's not easy - but anything worth having usually comes at a cost. Situations can push our buttons and make us want to give up, throw in the towel and walk away in frustration.. I'm a fighter. I keep going to the bitter end usually. Before I walk into situations, I usually can discern/know what the cost will be - and I can sometimes get offended that God would ask me to pay so high a price... Then I sit there and battle it out with God. His response is usually, 'Don't you trust Me yet?'.. Ha. That usually puts everything into perspective. 

I am learning to trust Him. I am learning to say yes. I am learning to be committed even when I know how much it might stink. My sacrifices might seem like a lot to me - but in comparison to the sacrifice He gave for me - His entire breath, being and existence.. what protest can I give? Love like His is worth it. It is worth giving up everything I have to pour it into the people He surrounds me with. I fall so short of that so often, but every day He gives me grace to try again. 

I am committed to His purpose, plan and will - however He works it. He is jealous for my love and I want to be jealous for His love.. to protect it, honour it and give it away whenever I have the chance. Even when the stakes are high and I have a lot to lose, I can always go to Jesus to get more.. He is so amazing like that! Unconditional love. So often, we have other loves: we choose idols (relationships, people, music, media, jobs, cars, money, fame etc) over Him. Like the song by Jason Morant says, "It was love at first touch, but since then your affairs have held you down on your face again"... and that is us. We have affairs all the time with this world.. and yet, HE LOVES US. He loves us. I don't understand it. When we are so brutal to Him, when we mock His love, abuse it, take it for granted.. we are often the most awful lovers and yet He wants our love all the more. 

God reminded me of this today: that we are awful to Him and yet His love remains unchanging.. and He challenged me to be like Him - to love like that. I half heartedly laughed at the idea like He must be joking. But the truth is, He isn't joking and whether I see the results of loving someone unconditionally or not, it really shouldn't matter to me. God sees the bigger picture - He sees why it's so important. And that's where trust comes in again.. if I truly trust Him, I don't have to know the reasons why.. I just trust in His unfailing love and press deeper into His heart of love.    

Jesus, thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving us.. 

establishing Godly relationships

There seems to be much societal/cultural ambiguity surrounding how to walk as Jesus intends us to in friendships and relationships. Sometimes I feel bombarded by so much information I don't know what to do. So this prompted me to really seek out an answer to, "What does God say about all of this"? I am in the process of getting His first-hand input on this matter - and I felt He helped me discover this article to help me in the process. The article is really amazing because it is very clear about many salient points. The beautiful thing I realized as I read this, is that we are all in a process of walking in holiness - that there is grace for wherever we are at (yep, even as you read this). God sees you, He knows and loves you and has a plan for you - regardless of your past! Take a moment and really digest that thought. Miracles didn't just happen in Bible times - the Spirit of God is real and with us and can heal us and make us whole and complete if we are willing to accept His love now. Brokenness is not bigger or more powerful than unconditional love. Healing, love, beauty, hope and restoration are unleashed in our lives when we truly believe in the promise of God's unfailing love. Thanks for reading this - even though it sounds corny.. it says a lot of good things! I hope this inspires and encourages you to pursue the best that God has for you within your friendships and relationships.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

Casual/Minimal - simple, surface-level verbal interaction which is generally pleasant instead of hostile. People at this level usually do not give or receive help, emotional support or love from each other. They just speak and listen to each other when necessary.

Moderate - has all the characteristics of a minimal relationship, but includes one more: an emotional attachment…you want emotional support and are willing to give it. There is an openness which enables both of you to listen to the other's hurts, concerns, joys and needs…takes time and requires risk.

Strong - develop when you have high involvement with people. You minister to one another in tangible ways…you provide and receive help from one another. Many people bypass the emotional attachment and go straight to helping. The personal investment is less. And yet, strong relationships must be based on emotional support for caring to be meaningful. Short-circuiting emotional support leads to shallow relationships. Emotional support is a stronger tie than helping.

Quality/Binding - valued as permanent or long-term; there are few valid reasons for terminating it. This type of relationship includes the added element of loving trust. You feel safe with this person when you reveal what's going on inside you -- your inner needs, thoughts and feelings. He or she treats what you share as a gift. There are no secrets and no barriers; the relationship is built upon complete mutual trust. Examples include: spouse, parents, children, relatives, possibly bosses or co-workers.

THE 4 PILLARS OF RELATIONSHIP

Love - you feel safe and secure; it's okay to be yourself. You use your strengths, capabilities and skills to lift the other person above yourself. There is a sense of belonging; you feel significant to this person. You express your care through words as well as deeds; you're willing to move out of your comfort zone for that person's benefit. You feel accepted for who you are.

Trust is making yourself dependent upon another person for some result or outcome. It's a healthy dependency, not forced. You feel assurance and confidence in trusting the other person. You act on the trust you perceive. …This is the most fragile pillar in most relationships because it involves the most risk of being hurt.

Respect - recognizing and acknowledging the other person's worth or value. This requires that you honor and respect yourself; for if you don't respect yourself how can you give respect to someone else? (Remember how God sees us…)

Understanding - The first three elements are dependent on this one. Understanding only develops over time and is based on knowledge. You understand others by getting inside of them and seeing life from their perspective, through their eyes. It involves a tremendous amount of communication -- of asking, sharing and listening. What is revealed is based on trust, which is based on how well you know one another, which is based on what is revealed.

A GODLY COVENANT/RELATIONSHIP

In deep and pure friendships and relationships, the two souls draw strength and encouragement from each other as well as security and love.

1. You are committed to the spiritual growth of one another in the things of God.

2. The relationship is mutually beneficial -- you are not always the giver or always the receiver.

3. Person does not cause you to violate your conscience… They don't try to maneuver you into doing something you don't want to do, like going against God's will.

4. Person does not manipulate you through anger/drama or favors but motivates through love.

5. Person does not expect anything from you that they are not willing to give themselves.

In Ecclesiastes 4:-9-12, Solomon describes the attributes of such a relationship:

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Loneliness is the first thing that God said was not good. In Genesis 2:18, He says "It is not good for man to be alone."

v Marriage is a godly covenant. You will become like the person that you marry. You become one with the person you marry.

^{Genesis 2:23-24}

²³The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called `woman,' for she was taken out of man." ²⁴For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

v There is a spiritual tie created by any act of sexual contact, whether willing or unwilling. The two become one flesh, whether inside or outside of marriage. The practical spiritual effect of this is that any spiritual bondage of the person with whom you have had sex seeps into you, and makes your spiritual walk much more difficult. This DOES NOT affect your salvation, but it can make living a life free of sin and full of victory in Jesus much more difficult. It also means that any demonic oppression any of your former sexual partners may suffer from can transfer to you. Additionally, condoms do not stop demons!

1 Corinthians 6:15-16

¹⁵Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! ¹⁶Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."

God has so built every woman that the first man who has sexual relations with her takes a form of dominion over her (Genesis 3:16…Your desire will be for husband, and he will rule over you.). Her human spirit and soul is built to respond to the man by nurturing him, supplying affection to him, and being that man's fountain

of satisfaction and blessing through all his life.

A man's spirit is so built that for each woman he enters, his spirit is built to find, protect, bless, nurture and provide for that woman. A man's soul can be scattered and destroyed through adulterous relationships…

BRIEF REVIEW - SOUL TIES

A soul tie is the knitting together of two souls that can either bring tremendous blessings in a godly relationship or tremendous destruction when made with the wrong person. …the emotions, mind, and/or will of one person is unnaturally or inordinately affected by another person(s); thoughts and actions no longer their own; under demonic, manipulating control of another; a counterfeit of godly covenant.

Law of Association

You will rise or fall to the level of your associations. No root, no fruit. Bad ground, weak root, bad fruit… If you want to know where you are going, look at your friends.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15

14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?

I Corinthians 15: 33-34

³³Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character." ³⁴Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God--I say this to your shame.

Proverbs 13:20

²⁰He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.

Romans 11:16

16 If the part of the dough offered as firstfruits is holy, then the whole batch is holy; if the root is holy, so are the branches.

A PROSPEROUS SOUL demonstrates SELF-AUTHORITY and SELF-DETERMINATION:

· Your emotions and reactions are self-governed. You don't allow the actions and condemnations of others control your life.

· You react to life realistically (no drama)

· You do not assign human characteristics to inanimate objects

· You relate well to a variety of people

· You respond properly to godly authority without feeling threatened or smaller yourself.

INFATUATION VS. LOVE

Infatuation moves quickly; love grows. Infatuation carries a sense of uncertainty; love begins with security. Infatuation could lead you to do things you might regret; love won't.

Indications that your relationship is a mismatch--that you have a higher level of interest in the relationship than your significant other:

v You initiate most of the contact.

v You initiate most of the affectionate advances, such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc.

v You are the plan maker, whereas the other just seems to go along.

v You sacrifice to do things for the other or make life more agreeable, but you don't see this reciprocated.

v You are excited about the relationship, while the other person just seems to be along for the ride.

v You talk about your relationship and possible future plans, but this strikes an unresponsive chord with your partner.

RESCUER OR THE RESCUED?

A relationship is not going to work if either one of you habitually rescues the other. When you rescue your partner on a continual basis, you're teaching that individual that there's no need for him to change since you will bail him out. He won't learn from past blunders. If you rescue him so regularly that others are aware of it, their reinforcing comments will tend to keep you locked into that pattern of behavior.

If you rescue others, what do you expect from them? Thanks, appreciation, perhaps even reciprocation. But in a close relationship you will often find this response lacking--especially if your partner is a taker. This is because when you rescue others you are exerting some type of control over them; and in time they can end up resenting you for it. The unspoken message conveyed to them is, "I'm better than you are, and you're not capable of handling things yourself."

If you find yourself always attracted to needy people, ask yourself: Are you choosing a partner for his strengths or weaknesses? Can you respond in a healthy way to a strong partner? If not, you have some work to do to discover and eliminate the needs you have to be a rescuer.

You can try to reshape, remake and reconstruct your partner, but you can't get gold out of a mine that's filled with lead.

MAKE YOUR LIST

v What constitutes a must-have or can't stand for you? List 10 of the qualities and/or characteristics your partner MUST have and 10 qualities or characteristics that you absolutely could not stand…Submit your desires to the Lord.

OTHER KEY SCRIPTURES

Proverbs 31:10-31

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Prov 18:22

22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

Eph 5:22-6:4

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1 Peter 3:1-7

3:1 Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4 Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5 For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6 like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

7 Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

these maps of love and truth

a new season waits for permission
you speak of it, you know it
holding it back, bound in ambiguity

dangling strings with poetry promises
keeping chances, blurring all the lines
drown your poetry! i want the truth.

if you mean it - mean it.
i meet vague contemplation
your underlying truth

:the borders fade
your emotions drawn across all the lines
scribbles
writing
scribbles

give me honesty
don't hide the truth
we waste the tide and the color in the moon
stealing its beauty in the shade of contemplation

days upon days of decisions
evading the light
each heart knowing its own deception

for once, give me its truth
show me the kindness i once could not accept
- let the lies die.

give me truth
i want to sing
in these invisible walls

songs of laughter
i can feel the significance of this
knowing that it's abundant life He wants for us.

He gives us the comfort of maps with invisible borders
to take the lines away
makes them nevertheless, real

for freedom they remain
we choose their safety or restriction
receive or refuse the good within Him

no more games - fall on honesty
it will show you a garden
whose borders are unknown

where beauty never fades and love is never-ending

rocking it on the edge

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

But he must ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind.

For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:2-8).

Sometimes I feel like the person in the bolded statement above. I am not fond of instability. God has done many amazing things for me, and delivered me from so many fears and so much pain. Yet, at times, I find myself doubting the completeness of His work. Memories are funny things. They often have a way of showing us what we want to see and leaving out the rest of the story. Today I was reminded of things I have been delivered from. Then this sinking feeling came in to my mind and I started thinking these things: Did God really mean it? What if my feelings change? What if I screw it up? Am I really worthy of forgiveness and love? DAH! I despise that.

I guess that's why God says to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5). The truth is, there are going to be a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head for the rest of my life. Lately, there have been even more than usual, and it's starting to get a little bit interesting. I have started to recognize the legitimacy of chucking the nasty thoughts and re-aligning myself with the unconditional love of God. Bringing every thought captive to the truth of who Jesus is and what He is about is the only way I can even cope with life in general. The Bible says that He is truth. Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me (John 14:6). If He is truth, then the only way I can really measure my perceived notions of truth is by taking them to Jesus Himself. What does He say about me? That I am His temple.. "Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16). I am part of a royal priesthood "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light" (1 Peter 2:9).. He calls me blessed, beloved and free. I hate the thoughts that try and steal that from me. They are death. Wherever these death thoughts come from, I don't want them. Part of having a "human condition" means that I am going to struggle with them. I can't get away from it. However, I know that God has given me the power through His Spirit living within me to seek His heart out, pray and renew my mind in His word.

God, I am so thankful for Your Word! Jeremiah 15:16 says that Gods word bring life to us:
"When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O LORD God Almighty".

This is my desire: I want to be able to know Him so well that I can discern what is aligned with Him and His truth and what is garbage from my insecurities, experiences or from the enemy. I don't want to blindly accept my thoughts as truth as soon as I think them, I want to bring them to Jesus. I know the Lord has revealed my own thoughts to me to show me the things beneath the surface that I would rather not deal with. Often thoughts are like the symptoms of a disease. If we don't deal with the symptoms we will have bigger problems in the long run.. Keeping a short account is where it's at - and lately, I have been reminded of this again and again. Insecurities are the worst, but God's love is the best! If we focus on Him - nothing can hold us down. The Bible says that nothing can separate us from the love of God - and that the love of God is powerful enough to keep us where we need to be in our thoughtlife - in Him. Jesus always went to the Father with His thoughts - and we are admonished to walk as Jesus did.

"The man who says, "I know him," but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did"(1 John 2:4-6).

"And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is at work in you who believe" (1 Thessalonians 2:13).

if this is unconditional

The question of unconditional love:

You have captured my heart in space - suspended above the place where we sit
You look at me with eyes so intent on knowing
Still the question stands
Will this regard be fleeting?
I know what I look like naked - but you can only use your imagination
When you see my heart, what will you say?
What will you think after you know?
The disgraceful places I've been - the emptiness in lost memories not completely forgotten
Forgive me in advance and forgive me after
All the dirty, pretty things in me
Don't ignore. Look at them. Look at me.
Know them. Know me.
Wash me in love - only then will I be clean.
Only then am I free to love you... once you have seen, tasted, known.
Look at me in the deepest part and say
Your love is complete
Tell me truly -
Don't be who I need you to be: what I want is who you truly are.
Love is chosen, love is free; honest, with our eyes open.

Look at me again - and tell me who you see.

When I first wrote this I didn't feel like God wanted me to post it - so I waited.. but now I know it is right, and I know that I have received my answer:

thank you!!!

I just want to state for the record, that I feel so incredibly blessed. I was thinking back to this past summer when I had the opportunity to go to Guatemala to practice nursing... and again, I realized how blessed I am! God paid my way to go.. He was so gracious to me and loved me through the process of trusting Him to provide - and He needs to be recognized for how amazing He truly is!

I woke up this morning thinking about the things I take for granted such as: heat, hot water, bug-free bedding, baths, peanut butter, clean water, real milk (not powdered), cars, nail polish, whole wheat bread, chocolate.. the list just goes on and on. I just don't get it? I live in the most beautiful place on earth: on a mountain overlooking a valley full of vineyards.. The sunlight bathes the clouds and hills in light each morning - and the sunsets are absolutely intoxicating.. God -- you need to be recognized for THIS. You alone have created the heavens and the earth; and You have blessed me with it all!

Life is mixed with the bitter and the sweet - the painful and the beautiful.. and I am so glad that we get to experience it all. I am so glad that I have experienced walking through two feet of putrid sewer water and laughed while doing it. The other day I was struck by the fact that I have two legs. I have two legs!!! I can RUN! Do you realize how amazing that is?! I am so blessed to be able to dance, walk, stretch and play. It's the little things that make the most difference. Perspective is such a powerful tool.. Life is what we choose to make of it. We can get caught in pain or we can choose to walk out forgiveness and live a life that is free and beckons others to be free as well. I am so glad that I have known and felt what it is to be in love with Jesus in the midst of the most painful and beautiful experiences of life... to know the sunshine and the rain.

And I challenge you.. look at life through new eyes again.. what are you thankful for? What opportunities has God given you lately that have shown His faithfulness in bringing healing and restoration into your life? HE IS GOOD! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.. Though the circumstances of life change, He never does.. His love for you is never-ending, unfathomably rich and beautiful - so dive in! Put some new shoes on and experience the freedom of Gods love! He wrote this story for us! How amazing this kind of love is!!!

honest fear; true love

"Fear is a natural response to danger that quickens the mind's efforts to anticipate and avoid potential peril or problems. However, stemming from the irrational part of the mind, it knows no logic and sometimes gets unhinged from its target. People whose lives have been filled with fear often continue to be afraid long after the potential danger has been removed, making up their own, irrational, reasons"...

I was thinking about fear today because of something that happened yesterday. It is such a weird experience: how someone in the present can do something that reminds you of someone in the past. Even though it's a different person who has different morals and a completely different value system, it's like there's an invisible network linking the present to the past. Your irrational fear reminds you of what happened last time and tells you that unless you completely cut the new potential hurt out of your life - it will just happen again.
I espouse to have all of these beliefs and values when it comes to love. I think I know what unconditional love means to a certain extent, and that I have the capacity to trust someones' actions implicitly if I want to. The truth is I don't know what that even means anymore. Whatever trust I did have died a slow and miserable death when I was repeatedly lied to, used and mistreated. I don't expect pity for that statement - that's not why I wrote it. I wrote it because I want to know how you can keep yourself from running away when that's all you're good at? The walls I have built up around me, alienating anyone who looks like a potential threat are down and I don't know how to put them up.. maybe it's really just that I don't want to.. or I forgot to put them up this time? Someone started to walk around in the house of my heart and I promptly freaked out.... How do you trust, - when the last person you were completely open with broke every promise they ever made? How do you expect more now when you have come to expect nothing? How do you rebuild self-worth and inspire respect and fair treatment from a new friendship, when you don't even know what those things look like anymore?

I never realized how afraid I was until yesterday, today - now. I know that perfect love casts out fear.. that the one who fears is not made perfect in love.. I have a long journey ahead of me in this regard. I have known the unconditional love of Jesus.. and it is unparalleled and beautiful. There are people who love like He does - I suppose I just have to start asking Jesus who I can trust and who can't. I wish that I had chosen to ask God that question more - if I had of done that before I probably wouldn't be in this situation now. But I have no intention to live in the past. I have purposed to live in the present with love and an open heart. And when I get wounded, to bring it to Him. I am tired of trying to protect myself all the time, it is exhausting. Plus, it's not my job - Jesus is privileged to protect me. The Bible says He is a strong fortress, mighty and just.. and that makes me feel very secure and safe.. All I can do is bring the present circumstances under the love of God and work through this with Him.

All of your ways and all your thunder
Got me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
We we gonna go from here?.. Mat Kearny

an afterthought

perhaps i have felt the grass under my feet and that's what keeps me with you. or maybe it's the water in the rain - the ocean captivating me. i have seen the sky and the sun has burned me with fire; you, my friend, have touched my heart.. i let you.

briers and thorns have been the price for this silence and protection. what is safety really? in the arms of life it is a facade - a magical apparition that floats in and out of existence. i was not safe when i was in my castle and i am not safe with you.

i am afraid.

of being nothing. a joke. your courtesy. a meaningless gesture. obligation.
an afterthought.

we travel down this road together. speak or be silent. i won't ask you to say anything. just walk with me to the end of this road.