"Fear is a natural response to danger that quickens the mind's efforts to anticipate and avoid potential peril or problems. However, stemming from the irrational part of the mind, it knows no logic and sometimes gets unhinged from its target. People whose lives have been filled with fear often continue to be afraid long after the potential danger has been removed, making up their own, irrational, reasons"...
I was thinking about fear today because of something that happened yesterday. It is such a weird experience: how someone in the present can do something that reminds you of someone in the past. Even though it's a different person who has different morals and a completely different value system, it's like there's an invisible network linking the present to the past. Your irrational fear reminds you of what happened last time and tells you that unless you completely cut the new potential hurt out of your life - it will just happen again.
I espouse to have all of these beliefs and values when it comes to love. I think I know what unconditional love means to a certain extent, and that I have the capacity to trust someones' actions implicitly if I want to. The truth is I don't know what that even means anymore. Whatever trust I did have died a slow and miserable death when I was repeatedly lied to, used and mistreated. I don't expect pity for that statement - that's not why I wrote it. I wrote it because I want to know how you can keep yourself from running away when that's all you're good at? The walls I have built up around me, alienating anyone who looks like a potential threat are down and I don't know how to put them up.. maybe it's really just that I don't want to.. or I forgot to put them up this time? Someone started to walk around in the house of my heart and I promptly freaked out.... How do you trust, - when the last person you were completely open with broke every promise they ever made? How do you expect more now when you have come to expect nothing? How do you rebuild self-worth and inspire respect and fair treatment from a new friendship, when you don't even know what those things look like anymore?
I never realized how afraid I was until yesterday, today - now. I know that perfect love casts out fear.. that the one who fears is not made perfect in love.. I have a long journey ahead of me in this regard. I have known the unconditional love of Jesus.. and it is unparalleled and beautiful. There are people who love like He does - I suppose I just have to start asking Jesus who I can trust and who can't. I wish that I had chosen to ask God that question more - if I had of done that before I probably wouldn't be in this situation now. But I have no intention to live in the past. I have purposed to live in the present with love and an open heart. And when I get wounded, to bring it to Him. I am tired of trying to protect myself all the time, it is exhausting. Plus, it's not my job - Jesus is privileged to protect me. The Bible says He is a strong fortress, mighty and just.. and that makes me feel very secure and safe.. All I can do is bring the present circumstances under the love of God and work through this with Him.
All of your ways and all your thunder
Got me in a haze running for cover
Where we gonna go from here
We we gonna go from here?.. Mat Kearny
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