As I listened to this song for the first time, I felt my spirit respond in a very tangible way to how incredible it will be to see Jesus face to face one day... When we actually think about how beautiful He is, how absolutely captivating, intoxicating and exquisite He is - it forces me to gain a depth of understanding regarding the perspective I have of people, circumstances and life in general.. What can compare to Him? Who can compare with Him? I am so blessed by the beauty of love He has bestowed upon me, the life He has given me... and I love how Phil Wickham describes Gods' beauty in this song. I think that if you let the words sink in, you'll understand what I mean...
.You're Beautiful.
I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You’re beautiful
I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It’s all proclaiming who You are
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful
I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful
When we arrive at eternity’s shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We’ll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we’ll sing
You’re beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful
I see Your face, I see Your face
I see Your face, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful, You’re beautiful
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
before and after
There is love where giants hide
In the middle of the room, in the middle of my heart
And the night time speaks a sorrowful song
Of things broken, of joy unshaken.
I was there, face to face. I will never forget that moment
The coldness seeped in through the bottom of my toes
Numbing to the lungs. The frost slipped out of my mouth
Becoming the tears I couldn't reveal...
after all this time..
Do you hear the noise in my heart
Pounding so violently at the thought of this
I am so disappointed with the world.
Twisted innocence
Tainted love
All the tortured memories.
I watch them as they go to Your hands: my comfort
Let the giants sink beneath the waves...
Let me watch them drown and choke:
For they have tried to strangle the life from me..
Thoughtlessly - indifferently.. they have inflicted their pain
Their cruelty was my comfort before I met You
When I finally looked into Your eyes Jesus..
All I could see was the truth..
It was You
You have led me tenderly.. purposefully..
I know You will never leave.
You have burned my heart with Your promises..
Let me feel the fire of Your truth, the hope of Your restoration.
The permanence of Your love...
Beauty was restored the moment You spoke my name
It was You who held me through the nights so full of tears.
It was You who shook the foundations of my frame
It was You, who carried this cross for me
You have awoken my heart
Your hands have healed my scars and clothed my body
Even now You enfold my heart
How can brokenness mean this much to You?
That You would care enough to stay
To see beauty restored and life flow through me
I don't understand Your goodness
There is nothing else for me... all I want is You.
I am drawn to You, in love: and it sets me free.
In the middle of the room, in the middle of my heart
And the night time speaks a sorrowful song
Of things broken, of joy unshaken.
I was there, face to face. I will never forget that moment
The coldness seeped in through the bottom of my toes
Numbing to the lungs. The frost slipped out of my mouth
Becoming the tears I couldn't reveal...
after all this time..
Do you hear the noise in my heart
Pounding so violently at the thought of this
I am so disappointed with the world.
Twisted innocence
Tainted love
All the tortured memories.
I watch them as they go to Your hands: my comfort
Let the giants sink beneath the waves...
Let me watch them drown and choke:
For they have tried to strangle the life from me..
Thoughtlessly - indifferently.. they have inflicted their pain
Their cruelty was my comfort before I met You
When I finally looked into Your eyes Jesus..
All I could see was the truth..
It was You
You have led me tenderly.. purposefully..
I know You will never leave.
You have burned my heart with Your promises..
Let me feel the fire of Your truth, the hope of Your restoration.
The permanence of Your love...
Beauty was restored the moment You spoke my name
It was You who held me through the nights so full of tears.
It was You who shook the foundations of my frame
It was You, who carried this cross for me
You have awoken my heart
Your hands have healed my scars and clothed my body
Even now You enfold my heart
How can brokenness mean this much to You?
That You would care enough to stay
To see beauty restored and life flow through me
I don't understand Your goodness
There is nothing else for me... all I want is You.
I am drawn to You, in love: and it sets me free.
Friday, December 5, 2008
encouragement
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence. Psalm 42:5
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places Psalm 43:3
But remember this -- the wrong desires that come into your life aren’t anything new and different. Many others have face exactly the same problems before you. And no temptation is irresistible. You can trust God to keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can’t stand up against it, for he has promised this and will do what he says. He will show you how to escape temptation’s power so that you can bear up patiently against it. 1 Corinthians 10: 13
~ from John Thurman's Helpful Bible readings: http://www.johnthurman.net/templates/System/details.asp?id=26963&PID=560353
O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places Psalm 43:3
RESTING IN THE LOVE OF GOD
God ministers to broken and aching hearts in a variety of ways. The Holy Spirit touches our lives through:
ASSURANCE...
See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for he allows us to be called His children -- think of it -- and we really are! But since most people don’t know God, naturally they don’t understand that we are His children. 1 John 3:1 TLB
That is why I am suffering here in jail, and I am certainly not ashamed of it, for I know the one in whom I trust, and I am sure that he is able to safely guard all that I have given him until the day of his return. 2 Timothy 1: 12
COMFORT...
But even so, you love me! You are holding my right hand! You will keep on guiding me all my life with your wisdom and counsel, and afterwards receive me into the glories of heaven! Psalms 73: 23-24 TLB
My sheep recognize my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life and they shall never perish. No one shall snatch them away from me. John 10: 27-28 TLB
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you. Isaiah 66:13
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you. Isaiah 66:13
FAITH...
Yet there is one ray of hope: His compassion never ends. It is only the Lord’s mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; his loving-kindness begins afresh each day. Lamentations 3: 21-23
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him to help you do it, and He will. Psalms 37: 5 TLB
HOPE...
Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of -- infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. Ephesians 3: 20
“For I know the plans I have for you,“ says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29: 11 TLB
Now we can look forward to the salvation God has promised us. There is no longer any room for doubt, and we can tell others that salvation is ours, for there is no question that He will do what He says. Hebrews 10: 23
Come to me and I will give you rest -- all of you who work so hard beneath a heavy yoke. Wear my yoke -- for it fits perfectly -- and let me teach you; for I am gentle and humble, and you shall find rest for your souls; Matthew 11: 28-29
PEACE...
So now, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith in His promises, we can have real peace with Him because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Romans 5: 1 TLB
So now, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith in His promises, we can have real peace with Him because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Romans 5: 1 TLB
“I am leaving you with a gift -- peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the worlds gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14: 27 TLB
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7 TLB
TRUST...
As part of the act of faith by which a person establishes a saving relationship with Jesus Christ, trust is placed in the ability of Jesus Christ to restore the broken relationship between God and sinful man. Once Christ has been received as Lord and Savior, the believer begins to develop the confidence and trust in God to fulfill all the promises which Scripture makes to the maturing Christian.
We can trust God because He always tells the truth...
He has given us both his promise and his oath, two things we can completely count on, for it is impossible for God to tell a lie. Now all those who flee to him to save them can take new courage when they hear such assurances for God; now they ca know without doubt that He will give them the salvation he has promised them. Hebrews 6: 18 TLB
God will continue to be true even when every person is false. Romans 3: 4 NCV
We can trust God because He loves us...
We know how much God loves us because we have felt his love and because we believe him when he tells us that he loves us dearly. God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him. And as we live with Christ, our love grows more perfect and complete; so we will not be ashamed and embarrassed at the day of judgment, but can face him with confidence and joy because he loves us and we love him too. We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; his perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what he might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what he might do to us and shows that we are not fully convinced that he really loves us. So you see, our love for him comes as a result of his loving us first. 1 John 4: 16-19 TLB
Many sorrows come to the wicked, but abiding love surrounds those who trust in the Lord. Psalms 32: 10 TLB
We can trust God because He is in control...
May the God of peace himself make you entirely pure and devoted to God; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept strong ad blameless until that day when our Lord Jesus Christ comes back again. God, who called you to become his child, will do all this for you just as he promised. 1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24 TLB
We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love him They are the people he called, because that was his plan. Romans 8: 28 NCV
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “ plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29: 11 NIV
We can trust God because He will help us in times of trouble...
In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown you efforts with success. Don’t be conceited, sure of your own wisdom. Instead, trust and reverence the Lord, and turn your back on evil; when you do that, then you will be given renewed health and vitality. Proverbs 3: 5-6 TLB
~ from John Thurman's Helpful Bible readings: http://www.johnthurman.net/templates/System/details.asp?id=26963&PID=560353
Thursday, December 4, 2008
a prayer for mercy
Healing hands of love and mercy
hold us now..
Be the soothing balm that covers us
The shelter that keeps us
The love that strengthens us
The truth that calls forth in us
The strength of Your eternal promises
Send our roots deep into all that You are
No depth of pain, no realm of fear
No lie can undermine Your truth
for You are truth.. Your redemption is complete.
Your life flows into the darkest places in us
Sanctifying who we were and all we will be
Your work is complete..
Give us the strength to walk in it: to truly see it: to believe it.
As men and women grounded in You and alive
Because of You.. we are free.
Hands of love hold us now
Never leave us, or forsake us
Show us all that You are and
Give us the strength to see who we are in You
Wrap us up in You.. make us brave in You..
Give us to purity... that it might have its way with us
Give us to long suffering and perseverance.. that they
May teach us how to fight for love
and forgiveness..
Take us beyond,
Let nothing stand between us Jesus..
Let our hearts be undone because of You
..that we might see Your face and know Your heart...
Shine Your healing love upon us again..
You are the one who fought for us, loved us and made us whole.
When all others turned and abandoned us.. when darkness came
and they did not believe
You stood with us.. You lifted our faces to look into Your eyes of peace and kindness..
You were unashamed
Even now, You are unashamed.
Your amazing love overpowers fear.. Your love conquers doubt..
Miraculous and true, You lean into our spirits: full and complete.
I see the hope in Your eyes.. the love in Your eyes..
Jesus.. be near to us now..
We long to know You, we long to touch Your heart.
Hold us now, in Your beautiful hands of love.
..............................................................................................................................................
for my beautiful friend.. He sees you, He knows you and His love will see you through.
hold us now..
Be the soothing balm that covers us
The shelter that keeps us
The love that strengthens us
The truth that calls forth in us
The strength of Your eternal promises
Send our roots deep into all that You are
No depth of pain, no realm of fear
No lie can undermine Your truth
for You are truth.. Your redemption is complete.
Your life flows into the darkest places in us
Sanctifying who we were and all we will be
Your work is complete..
Give us the strength to walk in it: to truly see it: to believe it.
As men and women grounded in You and alive
Because of You.. we are free.
Hands of love hold us now
Never leave us, or forsake us
Show us all that You are and
Give us the strength to see who we are in You
Wrap us up in You.. make us brave in You..
Give us to purity... that it might have its way with us
Give us to long suffering and perseverance.. that they
May teach us how to fight for love
and forgiveness..
Take us beyond,
Let nothing stand between us Jesus..
Let our hearts be undone because of You
..that we might see Your face and know Your heart...
Shine Your healing love upon us again..
You are the one who fought for us, loved us and made us whole.
When all others turned and abandoned us.. when darkness came
and they did not believe
You stood with us.. You lifted our faces to look into Your eyes of peace and kindness..
You were unashamed
Even now, You are unashamed.
Your amazing love overpowers fear.. Your love conquers doubt..
Miraculous and true, You lean into our spirits: full and complete.
I see the hope in Your eyes.. the love in Your eyes..
Jesus.. be near to us now..
We long to know You, we long to touch Your heart.
Hold us now, in Your beautiful hands of love.
..............................................................................................................................................
for my beautiful friend.. He sees you, He knows you and His love will see you through.
sacrificial LOVE.
What is sacrificial love? How often do we actually exemplify this kind of love? How often are we willing to lay our love down - even though we know that it could be despised? How often do we love like Jesus does? Are we willing to be soft yet tough, tender yet purposeful, weak yet strong? Are we willing to let God be everything in us, though it costs us everything? Are we willing to let go of our perceptions, paradigms, conditions, expectations and fears: to be the kind of love we were meant to be... to walk it out in surrender, humility and sacrifice? Do we want to be this kind of love.. even if it means we're misunderstood, despised or mistreated?
To sacrifice means:
What is Love anyways?
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
To sacrifice means:
| the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim. |
| the thing so surrendered or devoted. |
| a loss incurred in selling something below its value |
| to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else. |
What is Love anyways?
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is Love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
a relevant thought...
Whether the cause of fear is major rejection or mild discomfort, the final solution is the same: I must be willing to hurt (greatly or minimally), to suffer loss (be it everything or a few moments of social ease). Only when I accept what I fear, resolving that I am willing to endure whatever may happen, will the fear lose its power (1 John 4:18). The perfect love of Christ provides me with what I need to face my fears. In Christ I have a relationship I cannot lose, a relationship sufficient to sustain me if all others fail. I have an unbreakable safety net beneath me as I venture across the tightrope of involving myself in other people's lives.When I declare myself, by an act of will, to be willing to lose all human relationship (approval, recognition, love, etc.) if obedience to God requires it, I will be freed from the entanglement of fear. And only when I am freed from the fear of losing a relationship will my motivation approach the reality of love. When I encounter an embarrassed stranger in Sunday school or a close friend who is seriously mishandling his problems, my words will have the power to encourage if they are prompted by love. Notice the paradox: To love a person, I must be willing to lose my relationship with him. Dependently holding onto anyone or anything but God is, in its final form, idolatry. Idolatry is at root - a fear of the wrong god.
~ An excerpt from the book, "Encouragement: The Key To Caring" by Dr. Larry Crabb & Dr. Dan Allender
Sunday, November 30, 2008
atonement
God, are we willing to give up our walls? All of our pathetic self-protection and self-defense? I feel the resistance and it makes me ache. What are we waiting for? WHO? When? Would this be easier if all the circumstances were perfect? There is no right person or people to deal with the issues of our hearts. The strength of men is not strong enough to tear down these walls and turn ashes to beauty. Our war is for You to fight. Our issues can only be resolved in Your healing hands. If we want the fullness of all You have - we must face what You've shown us, with eyes full of truth, hearts full of faith and hands full of love. Are we willing to take all we have and surrender it to the light? Are we willing to run to You when everyone else is turning to distractions - will we turn to You? The world watches: they stand in their strength with their hearts of stone, mocking brokenness I can't escape. I can only throw myself on all that You are. I haven't the slightest hope - whom have I but You? Who is like You, God? Who is like You?
I am longing for You.. I can't escape longing for You: the depth and breadth of which I scarcely know. To know You care for me - You are never disappointed, never hopeless.. how is it possible for Your love to break my heart with such perfection and determination? How can the healing You give heal me more, the more broken I become? Your strength, made perfect in weakness.. How I want to be so close to Your heart God.. I don't fear brokenness. I only fear not knowing You... not having all of You.. You're yearning to show me... so help me find my way to where You are.. let me be close to Your heart.. stay.
You say I am Your garden: beautiful and free.. so be with me here Jesus, stay with me. Nothing I can say or do will atone for the things I have done: the dirty rags I have worn. I won't leave this place until You've touched my heart. I will storm every wall just to see You face to face: to have Your full attention. I won't leave until I know I have shown You everything.. So heal me and make me clean. I'm waiting for You to meet me here. I'll wait.
I am longing for You.. I can't escape longing for You: the depth and breadth of which I scarcely know. To know You care for me - You are never disappointed, never hopeless.. how is it possible for Your love to break my heart with such perfection and determination? How can the healing You give heal me more, the more broken I become? Your strength, made perfect in weakness.. How I want to be so close to Your heart God.. I don't fear brokenness. I only fear not knowing You... not having all of You.. You're yearning to show me... so help me find my way to where You are.. let me be close to Your heart.. stay.
You say I am Your garden: beautiful and free.. so be with me here Jesus, stay with me. Nothing I can say or do will atone for the things I have done: the dirty rags I have worn. I won't leave this place until You've touched my heart. I will storm every wall just to see You face to face: to have Your full attention. I won't leave until I know I have shown You everything.. So heal me and make me clean. I'm waiting for You to meet me here. I'll wait.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
this belongs to you
Sunlight
Remarkable, it shines
Loudly I hear it
Softly it falls and pierces
The night.
Tiny particles float in the golden air
Secret and vast
Do You know how much I love this place?
It's Yours, it's mine
Love is everywhere
All the colors are here
When You speak the mystery starts
Like a song
My heart is listening..
I know You are strong
I know You are true
I know You are just...
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Walks in the light
His laughter falls like stardust
All over my face
Jesus.. You are so beautiful
None of my words can describe
How beautiful You are.
Remarkable, it shines
Loudly I hear it
Softly it falls and pierces
The night.
Tiny particles float in the golden air
Secret and vast
Do You know how much I love this place?
It's Yours, it's mine
Love is everywhere
All the colors are here
When You speak the mystery starts
Like a song
My heart is listening..
I know You are strong
I know You are true
I know You are just...
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Walks in the light
His laughter falls like stardust
All over my face
Jesus.. You are so beautiful
None of my words can describe
How beautiful You are.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
it was discovered and it was new
Choices seem to confront us on such a superficial level all day long: what to wear, where to go to lunch, who to talk to, who not to talk to, what shoes to buy? Decaf or regular coffee? Do we take a second look at someone as they walk past (or not)? All the time we're deciding what part of our sensory and/or audio-visual input we actually want to pay attention to.. it can be a tad bit frustrating and also incredibly distracting on many levels. Personally, I find it very frustrating. So many of the things I allow myself to get distracted by, really have minor significance in the long run. I honestly wish that we weren't all so easily distracted by the minor things in life... Kurt Cobain is well known for saying that he wanted to "live fast and die young". So much of our Western culture reflects this mentality. We have little next to no interest in longevity, meaningfulness, purpose or destiny. We're so concerned with the consumption of goods, products, relationships and experiences.. we miss the point of life. If we can keep making superficial and distracting (yet very well thought out) decisions about where to shop and what to do with our spare time - we can forever ignore the picture God sees and the relationship He is longing to have with us. We miss it all and we've got no one to blame but ourselves.
I don't know about you, but I don't want the status-quo for my life. I want so much more than the next "best" thing on the never-ending list of "next best things", I want so much more than hip friends, cool clothes and a solid playlist to listen to. With my whole heart I know that God is calling all of humanity into deeper relationship with Himself. He is calling us to a relationship truer, more intimate and fulfilling than anything many of us are willing to engage in. What is it about engaging that scares us? The definition of engaging/to engage is: to occupy the attention or efforts of, to secure for aid, employment, use, etc; hire, to attract and hold fast, to attract or please, to bind, as by pledge, promise, contract, or oath, make liable, to betroth, enter into conflict with, interlock with, to attach or secure, to occupy oneself, to become involved, to engage in business or politics, to take employment, to pledge one's word; assume an obligation. The way I view engaging is this: it requires an investment on the part(s) of the one(s) who engage(s). The wonderful thing we all know about investments is that there is RISK involved. It also means it will inevitably COST us something.
What if we just engaged with God? What if we actually invested/devoted ourselves to knowing Gods' plan for our lives, His heart towards the people in our lives and His purpose for why we're here on this earth? I know most of us would be scared out of our minds if we actually listened to what He has to say, that's for sure. But it is so worth it to invest in what He has - because it honestly is the BEST for us. Psalm 63:3 says that His love is better than life. Jesus said that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). The thief He refers to is the enemy, but I believe that we ourselves can cheat and steal from ourselves by being so distracted and disengaged. If you know God has something for you - He's told you about it, it's on the radar, I want to ask you one question: How are you treating it? How do you hold it? Do you clutch onto it or hold it loosely? Do you stick it in the corner of the top shelf of the closet of your heart that you plan on never going into again? How do you view what God have given you or shown to you? Just being honest about the perspective you have of the things God has given you is the first step to knowing your true heart regarding the things of God.
The next thing I've been thinking about is this: Even an awesome, amazing gift God wants you to invest in, if treated like it's worthless, will eventually become worthless, meaningless and definitely less than the best. How we treat what God gives to us and imparts to us is so important. The things He gives are the best - they are SO incredibly precious.. I have to remind myself of this a lot because it's my nature to disregard the holy or that which is "set apart" as I often will naturally gravitate towards the superficial and meaningless. This angers me sometimes and I get very mad at myself. I find myself screaming internally, "GOD - WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HOLY LIKE YOU ARE HOLY? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE 100% ON BOARD WITH EVERYTHING YOU WANT?" He has so much more grace for my impatience with my own process than I do.. but it is nonetheless discouraging at times. I fight. And. lose. All. The. Time. When it comes down to the wire - I want what He wants and I'm willing to go there with Him. I'm willing to engage with Him.. but do I fight it? Yes. I do. Do I want to be at the place where I don't fight Him? Yes, so much. But it's a process.. and today, I had it on my heart to write it out.
I truly feel challenged in the areas of engaging and investing lately; I also feel blessed in them. God is encouraging me to ask more questions and to seek His face more for answers instead of just being satisfied with what I perceive to be silence. So often, there is something in my life that clouds my eyes and deafens my ears to what is actually being shown and said to me. So I ask Jesus - help me see what You see, help me hear what You hear, show me.. I want to know.. The coolest thing ever is when His answer is exceedingly more surprising and satisfying than anything I could've expected! It's AWESOME!!!!
So I encourage you to give it a try! Ask God something you've been too scared or too busy to ask Him.. expect to be surprised! I hope and pray that you would discover Gods' love for you and His plan for your life. To know what it is to actually engage in a conversation with Him is SO AMAZING! The word of God says that if we're hungry and thirsty for righteousness, we will be filled (Matthew 5:6). He has put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11) so go find it by finding Him! Find out what you're missing. Don't settle for the superficial. I encourage you to go deep, and seek out the heart of the One who truly loves you. <3
I don't know about you, but I don't want the status-quo for my life. I want so much more than the next "best" thing on the never-ending list of "next best things", I want so much more than hip friends, cool clothes and a solid playlist to listen to. With my whole heart I know that God is calling all of humanity into deeper relationship with Himself. He is calling us to a relationship truer, more intimate and fulfilling than anything many of us are willing to engage in. What is it about engaging that scares us? The definition of engaging/to engage is: to occupy the attention or efforts of, to secure for aid, employment, use, etc; hire, to attract and hold fast, to attract or please, to bind, as by pledge, promise, contract, or oath, make liable, to betroth, enter into conflict with, interlock with, to attach or secure, to occupy oneself, to become involved, to engage in business or politics, to take employment, to pledge one's word; assume an obligation. The way I view engaging is this: it requires an investment on the part(s) of the one(s) who engage(s). The wonderful thing we all know about investments is that there is RISK involved. It also means it will inevitably COST us something.
What if we just engaged with God? What if we actually invested/devoted ourselves to knowing Gods' plan for our lives, His heart towards the people in our lives and His purpose for why we're here on this earth? I know most of us would be scared out of our minds if we actually listened to what He has to say, that's for sure. But it is so worth it to invest in what He has - because it honestly is the BEST for us. Psalm 63:3 says that His love is better than life. Jesus said that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). The thief He refers to is the enemy, but I believe that we ourselves can cheat and steal from ourselves by being so distracted and disengaged. If you know God has something for you - He's told you about it, it's on the radar, I want to ask you one question: How are you treating it? How do you hold it? Do you clutch onto it or hold it loosely? Do you stick it in the corner of the top shelf of the closet of your heart that you plan on never going into again? How do you view what God have given you or shown to you? Just being honest about the perspective you have of the things God has given you is the first step to knowing your true heart regarding the things of God.
The next thing I've been thinking about is this: Even an awesome, amazing gift God wants you to invest in, if treated like it's worthless, will eventually become worthless, meaningless and definitely less than the best. How we treat what God gives to us and imparts to us is so important. The things He gives are the best - they are SO incredibly precious.. I have to remind myself of this a lot because it's my nature to disregard the holy or that which is "set apart" as I often will naturally gravitate towards the superficial and meaningless. This angers me sometimes and I get very mad at myself. I find myself screaming internally, "GOD - WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HOLY LIKE YOU ARE HOLY? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE 100% ON BOARD WITH EVERYTHING YOU WANT?" He has so much more grace for my impatience with my own process than I do.. but it is nonetheless discouraging at times. I fight. And. lose. All. The. Time. When it comes down to the wire - I want what He wants and I'm willing to go there with Him. I'm willing to engage with Him.. but do I fight it? Yes. I do. Do I want to be at the place where I don't fight Him? Yes, so much. But it's a process.. and today, I had it on my heart to write it out.
I truly feel challenged in the areas of engaging and investing lately; I also feel blessed in them. God is encouraging me to ask more questions and to seek His face more for answers instead of just being satisfied with what I perceive to be silence. So often, there is something in my life that clouds my eyes and deafens my ears to what is actually being shown and said to me. So I ask Jesus - help me see what You see, help me hear what You hear, show me.. I want to know.. The coolest thing ever is when His answer is exceedingly more surprising and satisfying than anything I could've expected! It's AWESOME!!!!
So I encourage you to give it a try! Ask God something you've been too scared or too busy to ask Him.. expect to be surprised! I hope and pray that you would discover Gods' love for you and His plan for your life. To know what it is to actually engage in a conversation with Him is SO AMAZING! The word of God says that if we're hungry and thirsty for righteousness, we will be filled (Matthew 5:6). He has put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11) so go find it by finding Him! Find out what you're missing. Don't settle for the superficial. I encourage you to go deep, and seek out the heart of the One who truly loves you. <3
Saturday, November 22, 2008
i'm here, i'm now, i'm ready..
They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be, near You
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery ~ Switchfoot
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.. it is such a scary place to be. Uncertainty. The unknown.. I own nothing of any value, I have nothing but my heart to give to God. Is that truly all He wants? I feel like He is turning me inside out for the sake of trust and love. I feel as though the path is completely obscured by darkness, with the exception of the brightest light He sets before me. Such a small space is illuminated. He is calling me to get up, though in darkness. I can hear their laughter and cynical words all around me. Softly He asks me to come, walk with Him. Stand with Him. Lifting up my eyes, standing apart, I know He is with me here.. Do I, myself, even know the significance of this? For once, I will listen to His still, whispering voice. I choose You. I choose to listen. The tone of His voice is drowning out the chatter I hear all around me. Whether I go to the left or the right.. I hear His voice. Is that enough? Others call out to me from the darkness: control, fear, doubt and unbelief. They say Your voice is not enough, they tell me to give them proof, logic, rationale... How I have tried in vain to appease them. I have wept for You to deliver me in times past. But I was still looking at them - trying desperately to prove to them.. and You so patiently waited for me to be with You.. to stop looking at them. Now I know, they will never be satisfied. Their hatred of You and the things You love is so palpable - and yet, they hold no sway now. I am with You.
Softness, gentleness, Your kindness overwhelms me. You're invitation - will I walk into the desert with You? Will I step out in faith with You? Will I allow You to lead me through the darkest place by faith alone.. knowing it's only You I have?.. no one else can see You.. Jesus, if I fail in mens' eyes and estimation, will You carry me? I could stay here forever, playing it safe, protecting myself, feeding fear.. You've shown me a greater love, a deeper truth, a vulnerable house that You alone will protect. It is there that I am safe. There I will reside.. it is You.. so lead me on. Though I am blind, You give me eyes to see the most important things: I can trust You... I can follow You anywhere. Nothing else matters.. I just need Your voice.. whatever happens, please don't let me lose the sound of Your voice...
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be
But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words
And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries
Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be, near You
Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take
I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...
I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge
And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery ~ Switchfoot
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.. it is such a scary place to be. Uncertainty. The unknown.. I own nothing of any value, I have nothing but my heart to give to God. Is that truly all He wants? I feel like He is turning me inside out for the sake of trust and love. I feel as though the path is completely obscured by darkness, with the exception of the brightest light He sets before me. Such a small space is illuminated. He is calling me to get up, though in darkness. I can hear their laughter and cynical words all around me. Softly He asks me to come, walk with Him. Stand with Him. Lifting up my eyes, standing apart, I know He is with me here.. Do I, myself, even know the significance of this? For once, I will listen to His still, whispering voice. I choose You. I choose to listen. The tone of His voice is drowning out the chatter I hear all around me. Whether I go to the left or the right.. I hear His voice. Is that enough? Others call out to me from the darkness: control, fear, doubt and unbelief. They say Your voice is not enough, they tell me to give them proof, logic, rationale... How I have tried in vain to appease them. I have wept for You to deliver me in times past. But I was still looking at them - trying desperately to prove to them.. and You so patiently waited for me to be with You.. to stop looking at them. Now I know, they will never be satisfied. Their hatred of You and the things You love is so palpable - and yet, they hold no sway now. I am with You.
Softness, gentleness, Your kindness overwhelms me. You're invitation - will I walk into the desert with You? Will I step out in faith with You? Will I allow You to lead me through the darkest place by faith alone.. knowing it's only You I have?.. no one else can see You.. Jesus, if I fail in mens' eyes and estimation, will You carry me? I could stay here forever, playing it safe, protecting myself, feeding fear.. You've shown me a greater love, a deeper truth, a vulnerable house that You alone will protect. It is there that I am safe. There I will reside.. it is You.. so lead me on. Though I am blind, You give me eyes to see the most important things: I can trust You... I can follow You anywhere. Nothing else matters.. I just need Your voice.. whatever happens, please don't let me lose the sound of Your voice...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
p.r.a.y.e.r.
“We must continue in prayer if we are to get an outpouring of the Spirit. Christ says there are some things we shall not get, unless we pray and fast, yes, 'prayer and fasting'. We must control the flesh and abstain from whatever hinders direct fellowship with God." - Andrew A. Bonar
"Oh! men and brethren, what would this heart feel if I could but believe that there were some among you who would go home and pray for a revival - men whose faith is large enough, and their love fiery enough to lead them from this moment to exercise unceasing intercessions that God would appear among us and do wondrous things here, as in the times of former generations." - C. H. Spurgeon
"A prayerless man is proud and independent, and any church that neglects corporate prayer is sadly no better. Only God's humble and needy children take the time to pray. Everyone else is just going through the motions and naively trusting in their own strength!" - David ~Smithers
"The evangelization of the word in this generation depends first of all upon a revival of prayer. Deeper than the need for men; deeper, far, than the need for money; aye, deep down at the bottom of our spiritless life is the need for the forgotten secret of prevailing, world-wide prayer." - Robert E. Speer
"I believe there is one thing for which God is very angry with our land, and for which His Holy Spirit is so little among us, and that is the neglect of united prayer; the appointed means of bringing down the Holy Spirit." - Brownlow North
"From the day of Pentecost, there has been not one great spiritual awakening in any land which has not begun in a union of prayer." - A. T. Pierson
"Revivals begin with God's own people; the Holy Spirit touches their heart anew, and gives them new fervor and compassion, and zeal, new light and life, and when He has thus come to you, He next goes forth to the valley of dry bones... Oh, what responsibility this lays on the Church of God! If you grieve Him away from yourselves, or hinder His visit, then the poor perishing world suffers sorely!" - Andrew A. Bonar
"Our prayers lay the track down on which God's power can come. Like a mighty locomotive, his power is irresistible, but it cannot reach us without rails." - Watchman Nee
"Pray often; for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan." - John Bunyan
When you pray for anyone you tend to modify your personal attitude toward him. Norman Vincent Peale
I am praying for life and the regeneration of your spirit within you. I am praying for the newness of the Spirit to rest within and on you. I am praying that your heart would be open to the things of God: that you would have ears to hear, eyes to see and a heart that knows Gods’ love, will, grace, joy and power in a tangible way. I pray you would have a revelation of God’s love for you. Today I stand in the gap for you: my enemies and friends, and cry out to God on your behalf! That you may see Him, that you may know who you are as His child, and that through your weakness, His strength would be perfected in you. I pray you would develop the burden of prayer. Watchman Nee rightly stated, that if we have no burden, we will not pray. I pray that the Spirit would place the burden to pray on our hearts. Pray for those who hate us, pray for those who agitate us.. pray for those whom we love who are struggling in doubt and confusion. We are a prideful people.. so often we look at each other (at least I do) and think – if only this person weren’t so _______, I would be much happier! Is that really loving as Jesus loves? Is that really looking at someone with the eyes of LOVE, through and through? So often, we talk at great length about a problem and our frustration with it, then neglect to pray! How will anything change if we do not pray? Prayer is our partnership with the Spirit to see His will come to pass. Lately, I have been reminded of the importance of prayer.. it is so vital! The quote by Charles Spurgeon up above actually brings tears to my eyes because it resonnates so much within me.. God promises, if we, His people, would but humble ourselves and pray – what amazing transformation we would see in our lives and the lives of those around us! If we would only seek Gods’ face and turn from our sin (hardness of heart), God promises that He will hear from heaven, and forgive our sin and heal our land 2 Chronicles 7:14. THIS IS A PROMISE!!! Don’t we know that He means what He says? He means it! So I’m calling to you to pray – God is waiting on YOU to change your heart - not the person you feel frustrated with, or the person who you’re angry at. He wants us to pray for them… for when our hearts change, something in the Spirit shifts. In love and forgiveness, the Spirit is then free to move and work.. it is a beautiful thing. It releases joy when God shows us what He sees over that persons' life, the work He longs to do! Let's not stop Him.. let's run to Jesus, let's go, let's pray! :-)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
thoughts on saying no..
Saying no. Even as I contemplate what I'm about to write, slight nervousness and tears seem imminent. When we say no to someone, does it mean we don't love them? When we tell someone we can't be what they want us to be, does that mean that our love is invalid? I took this question to the Holy Spirit.. and in the gentlest of ways, He assured me that sometimes, to say no, is the greatest of kindnesses. It's not easy to say no to someone.. Jesus said, that what we do unto the least of these, we do to Him (Matthew 24:25). As followers of Jesus, I fully believe it's our duty to feed the poor, clothe the naked and lead the oppressed to freedom in Jesus. My question is, are there times when doing something for someone actually infringes upon their growth as an individual (I'm referring to someone who has a relationship with Jesus)? I know I already know the answer to this question and even in knowing the answer, it is nonetheless awful to have to say no to a brother or sister in Christ. Very recently, I had to tell one of my friends that I couldn't be a close friend to them anymore. It's something I felt God was leading me to do for a while now, but I just couldn't do it for some reason. When someone puts you on a pedestal, it's even more difficult to say no because there is so much expectation.. there's a long way to fall from such a lofty place in someones heart or mind.
This friend believes that because I put a boundary up, that it means I don't care. The truth is, it's because I do care for them, that I won't allow them to continue putting me in such a high place in their life. If my friends' regard for me was free, easy, uncontrolled and full of grace - there would have been no need for a rigid boundary. But, as this was not the case, I had no other choice but to back away. Did it make me upset to have to say no? Yes. Did it make my friend upset that I said no? Yes. Can it really be the right decision if every one's upset? Yes. But what's the point??? Here's the deal: God's will is not dependent on our happiness. Sometimes He will ask us to do things we really don't "feel" like doing. Sometimes He will ask us to give up friendships, things, habits etc.. sometimes these things even appear very harmless. What's at the root of the issue? Doesn't it always come back to our heart? Our motivation? God's word says that man looks on the outward appearance, but "God looks at the heart" (Samuel 16:7). Our hearts are of vital importance to God, because out of the heart," flows the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).
God's design in everything is to take us to the place where we are functioning as one. Isn't that what the life of Jesus proved? Jesus said He did nothing apart from what the Father was doing. Although I'm far from being completely in sync with the Spirit, it is something I am trusting in Jesus for. It's something I need His grace to walk in. If there's something which impedes that function, or infringes on our growth or ability to be one with the Spirit, I think God usually puts His finger on it. We can ignore it for a long time, we can even refuse to acknowledge what the Spirit is saying.. but eventually, our relationship will be affected and we then aren't in perfect relationship with Jesus anymore. That's not something I want. I want relationship - perfect relationship with Him. I know I can't strive for that - I simply can just trust Him and surrender my all to Him, every day.
What does this have to do with my friend? Well, in surrendering my friend to God, I am surrendering another piece of my life and telling God that I want His best for my friend, and for myself. My friend took it as rejection, but if He asks God what He really thinks, I know he will hear the whispers of Gods love and His desire to bless him with His very best.
Through life's trials, the character of our hearts are revealed. When we don't get our way, when things don't work out like we wanted, something is shown of our hearts. It's often our perspective on what happens to us that affects the situation the most - and our hearts influence that perspective a significant amount. Through our perspective, the truth of what is actually in our hearts is revealed. Will we become unforgiving? Bitter? Fearful? Doubtful? Hateful? We can so easily become victims, believing that the "bad" things that happen to us are inherently "wrong". The truth is, that even "bad/unfavorable" things can produce beauty in us if we're willing to surrender our lives to Jesus. The truth is, God is love. The truth is, God loves us and promises that He will work everything for good - anything that is entrusted to Him, He will work through it for good.. even if it starts out as a slap in the face. For example, I've had a friend who treats me like I don't exist about 80% of the time right now. I've kept wondering why - I'd keep trying to find reasons for this treatment.. then suddenly, I realized that God is trying to teach me something. To walk in forgiveness and remain soft hearted towards this person, regardless of whether I feel like it or not is so difficult, yet that is what He requires. It's not something I naturally would like to do - but I know for a fact, that once I walk through this situation, my heart will be less calloused, less selfish and more understanding.. and in spite of the discomfort, I know it will be worth it in the end. If I take care of the posture of my heart towards my friend, God will take care of the posture of my friends heart towards life (and me).
I write this as much for my friends as I write it for myself. I pray that we can see what's truly in our hearts when life doesn't immediately hand us what it is we think we need/want. Maybe God has something He wants to show us or tell us. Although things don't always make logical sense when it comes to God - it makes sense to trust Him because He is 100% good, 100% love, 100% there for us. His word says that "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”. (1 Corinthians 2:9) So, the next time life doesn't give you what you want, ask God what He's trying to show you? Ask Him where He is in your circumstance.. He is so faithful.. He will reveal it if we are willing to lay our pride down and give in to His perfect love.
This friend believes that because I put a boundary up, that it means I don't care. The truth is, it's because I do care for them, that I won't allow them to continue putting me in such a high place in their life. If my friends' regard for me was free, easy, uncontrolled and full of grace - there would have been no need for a rigid boundary. But, as this was not the case, I had no other choice but to back away. Did it make me upset to have to say no? Yes. Did it make my friend upset that I said no? Yes. Can it really be the right decision if every one's upset? Yes. But what's the point??? Here's the deal: God's will is not dependent on our happiness. Sometimes He will ask us to do things we really don't "feel" like doing. Sometimes He will ask us to give up friendships, things, habits etc.. sometimes these things even appear very harmless. What's at the root of the issue? Doesn't it always come back to our heart? Our motivation? God's word says that man looks on the outward appearance, but "God looks at the heart" (Samuel 16:7). Our hearts are of vital importance to God, because out of the heart," flows the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).
God's design in everything is to take us to the place where we are functioning as one. Isn't that what the life of Jesus proved? Jesus said He did nothing apart from what the Father was doing. Although I'm far from being completely in sync with the Spirit, it is something I am trusting in Jesus for. It's something I need His grace to walk in. If there's something which impedes that function, or infringes on our growth or ability to be one with the Spirit, I think God usually puts His finger on it. We can ignore it for a long time, we can even refuse to acknowledge what the Spirit is saying.. but eventually, our relationship will be affected and we then aren't in perfect relationship with Jesus anymore. That's not something I want. I want relationship - perfect relationship with Him. I know I can't strive for that - I simply can just trust Him and surrender my all to Him, every day.
What does this have to do with my friend? Well, in surrendering my friend to God, I am surrendering another piece of my life and telling God that I want His best for my friend, and for myself. My friend took it as rejection, but if He asks God what He really thinks, I know he will hear the whispers of Gods love and His desire to bless him with His very best.
Through life's trials, the character of our hearts are revealed. When we don't get our way, when things don't work out like we wanted, something is shown of our hearts. It's often our perspective on what happens to us that affects the situation the most - and our hearts influence that perspective a significant amount. Through our perspective, the truth of what is actually in our hearts is revealed. Will we become unforgiving? Bitter? Fearful? Doubtful? Hateful? We can so easily become victims, believing that the "bad" things that happen to us are inherently "wrong". The truth is, that even "bad/unfavorable" things can produce beauty in us if we're willing to surrender our lives to Jesus. The truth is, God is love. The truth is, God loves us and promises that He will work everything for good - anything that is entrusted to Him, He will work through it for good.. even if it starts out as a slap in the face. For example, I've had a friend who treats me like I don't exist about 80% of the time right now. I've kept wondering why - I'd keep trying to find reasons for this treatment.. then suddenly, I realized that God is trying to teach me something. To walk in forgiveness and remain soft hearted towards this person, regardless of whether I feel like it or not is so difficult, yet that is what He requires. It's not something I naturally would like to do - but I know for a fact, that once I walk through this situation, my heart will be less calloused, less selfish and more understanding.. and in spite of the discomfort, I know it will be worth it in the end. If I take care of the posture of my heart towards my friend, God will take care of the posture of my friends heart towards life (and me).
I write this as much for my friends as I write it for myself. I pray that we can see what's truly in our hearts when life doesn't immediately hand us what it is we think we need/want. Maybe God has something He wants to show us or tell us. Although things don't always make logical sense when it comes to God - it makes sense to trust Him because He is 100% good, 100% love, 100% there for us. His word says that "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”. (1 Corinthians 2:9) So, the next time life doesn't give you what you want, ask God what He's trying to show you? Ask Him where He is in your circumstance.. He is so faithful.. He will reveal it if we are willing to lay our pride down and give in to His perfect love.
Monday, November 17, 2008
when you're in love
O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.
I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire.
O God, triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.
Begin in mercy a new work of love within me,
Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."
Then give me grace to follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
~A.W. Tozer
we are motivated out of fear or love. i want to be motivated by love. to experience how Jesus loves me - to give that away to others - then get more of His love. i have tasted a fraction of that, but i am starving for more! being motivated by fear is so debilitating.. and honestly, it's getting old. i am so hungry for God. i am so hungry for people who want to engage with this world, to impact it with His love. i want more of Your love God!
love comes from relationship; but if love is absent, fear takes over. relationships full of fear inevitably die.
'Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. and when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me'. p. 111 - Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
there is a crazy kind of love out there. it's a kind of love that defies all the odds.. the kind of love that people die for, the kind of love that heals people.. mystifies them and sets them free. this world leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. i'm awake and i'm unsatisfied. i'm hungry for more. i know i've been a sell out. i've prostituted myself to my culture and apathetic way of life. i've pretended that You don't require everything.
how did i wake up from this sleep? maybe it was in truly seeing myself. maybe it was seeing where i was headed.. the situations the majority of my friends are in. and i am broken and crying for something. something has to give. and i think that something has to be me. it finally hit me: i am free. so many things have held me down. so many distractions, so much oppression. but i just realized, that as i've been praying, He's been setting me free. as i've been asking for open eyes and ears.. wow. this is happening. and now i'm not scared of what it means to give it all for the right kind of love. Your love. whatever it takes. whatever it means. i'm running. i'm ready. i can't take this anymore. i can't stand still..
Jesus - let's go.
I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire.
O God, triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.
Begin in mercy a new work of love within me,
Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."
Then give me grace to follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
~A.W. Tozer
we are motivated out of fear or love. i want to be motivated by love. to experience how Jesus loves me - to give that away to others - then get more of His love. i have tasted a fraction of that, but i am starving for more! being motivated by fear is so debilitating.. and honestly, it's getting old. i am so hungry for God. i am so hungry for people who want to engage with this world, to impact it with His love. i want more of Your love God!
love comes from relationship; but if love is absent, fear takes over. relationships full of fear inevitably die.
'Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. and when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me'. p. 111 - Crazy Love by Francis Chan.
there is a crazy kind of love out there. it's a kind of love that defies all the odds.. the kind of love that people die for, the kind of love that heals people.. mystifies them and sets them free. this world leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. i'm awake and i'm unsatisfied. i'm hungry for more. i know i've been a sell out. i've prostituted myself to my culture and apathetic way of life. i've pretended that You don't require everything.
how did i wake up from this sleep? maybe it was in truly seeing myself. maybe it was seeing where i was headed.. the situations the majority of my friends are in. and i am broken and crying for something. something has to give. and i think that something has to be me. it finally hit me: i am free. so many things have held me down. so many distractions, so much oppression. but i just realized, that as i've been praying, He's been setting me free. as i've been asking for open eyes and ears.. wow. this is happening. and now i'm not scared of what it means to give it all for the right kind of love. Your love. whatever it takes. whatever it means. i'm running. i'm ready. i can't take this anymore. i can't stand still..
Jesus - let's go.
Friday, November 14, 2008
emotional affairs
I have often wondered what emotional affairs actually entail. Technically the term pertains to something that occurs within marriage, however, I believe this kind of affair occurs within the "just friends" type of relationship too. The thing is, a lot of people don't realize the damage they do to other people by having scattered emotions within their friendships. They pull many people of the opposite sex to them, thus gaining the benefits of a dating or marriage relationship without care or concern for what this will do to the hearts involved. One great point from the article below stresses this:
"How do others view your "friendships"? Ladies: might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would you want to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing, and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me."
I happen to agree with that quote a lot. I know for a fact that I would say no to any man who was "interested" in me if he has tons of super close girlfriends. What's the point of him having me around even; it's obvious that all his needs are already fulfilled by his many "girl friends". Furthermore, what about when we start dating? Would he be spending loads of time with his friends that are girls? How would this impact our relationship? If/when we got married, would he still meet these girl friends on a regular basis - could I even handle that? Nope. It's not jealousy, it's not mistrust - it's what I like to call the issue of adjuncts (adjunct: A person associated with another in a subordinate or auxiliary capacity). If there's supposed to be 8 people in one relationship then the whole concept of the covenant between Bridegroom & Bride makes absolutely no sense. God says that the covenant between a man and woman is sacred. God designed us to share our deepest hopes/dreams/emotions/time/energy with someone special (exclusively). How the heck do you keep that relationship special when you're spreading the most intimate and special things about who you are all over the place? Let me ask you this: If you have no emotional boundaries with sharing every part of yourself in your "just friends" relationships (even when you're dating/married), then what would then prevent you from sharing your partners' deepest emotions/dreams/desires too! That is so violating! It absolutely destroys the trust and integrity of the relationship.
There is nothing wrong with relating to your friends like you would your brother or sister. It's up to each individual to truly evaluate their intentions and desires towards any particular friendship/relationship to ensure it's kept in its rightful place. I think the most important thing is to BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS. The Bible says that the heart is deceptive above all things! We tell ourselves things all the time that are completely untrue. One thing I'm learning is to trust God and not my heart because my heart lies to me. I was in a relationship for 5 years. This man fed me promises, and made me think I was special to him, he kept things as "just friends" and led me to believe he was very interested in me through talking about marriage and spending lots of time with me. These things are ok in dating relationships but in fact, it was very wrong: because he knew I loved him and we were "just friends". When you know that someone loves you and is giving you the best of themselves, then be clear with them. Instead of being clear with me that he had no intention of loving me back, the man I was involved with allowed me to continue loving him. Personally, I think this is the epitome of selfishness. If he had been clear and said, "I don't love you and I never will" I could've walked away at a much earlier point. He obviously knew that I would walk away if he told me this, so he continued to lead me on and told me lies. Although what he did was inexcusable, he was not solely to blame. For my part, I should have been extra clear about how he felt about me earlier. I should have not allowed him to spend so much time with me one-to-one, and I shouldn't have shared my heart with him because he definitely was not capable of creating a safe place for it. He had many friends that were girls even when we were involved - this was a red flag but I ignored it. To this day I don't know how many other relationships he had "on the go" while we were together as I only found out about some of them. I know for a fact that there were other girls who were wounded by this man who preferred to keep his all of relationships secret and on a "just friends" basis. Red flags are there for a reason. If someone has an issue(s) that they've proven time and again, to have no intention of working on - then it's time to walk away. More often than not, people will not change for the better, once you are dating and/or married.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not one of those girls who "just wants to get married". That's not why I wrote this. I don't care if I get married or not. One thing I do care about is guarding the most precious places in my heart and saving them for two people: Jesus and, if I get married: my husband. Fortunately, Jesus has healed my heart and restored it to me even after a very painful relationship. Since He has been so faithful to me, I want to be faithful to Him and my potential husband. I want to honour my husband by not giving away the most amazing pieces of who I am to someone who's only in it for the emotional boost. Consequently, I'm purposing to not allow myself to go into friendships with men who are emotional vampires. Furthermore, I want to be the type of friend to my male friends who is clear about how I feel about them, and not let them think my regard for them is anything other than that of a sister. This isn't about trying to control someone else. All you can do is take care of where you stand. If someone wants to be an emotional vampire, that's their choice - you don't have to stick around. If someone has feelings for you and you don't have feelings for them, it's up to you to be honest. If you have feelings for someone, then don't drag it out forever and ever - just be honest. It's not the end of the world if things don't work out the way you wanted them to. Really, it comes down to the position of your heart, honour, respect and some good, old-fashioned honesty.
The great thing about the article below is that it in no way says men and women can't be friends (in fact it encourages true friendship). Moreover, it gives clear, Biblical reasons for why emotional affairs are dangerous. In "just friends" friendships, one party involved usually ends up feeling taken advantage of: one person (and occasionally both) usually has feelings that go beyond the classification of friendship. That's no one's fault: however, it's only fair for people to be honest. Personally, I believe that if men and women don't figure out why emotional affairs are dangerous before they enter a dating relationship or get married - there's a catastrophe waiting to happen. Much uncertainty/confusion is bred if this issue remains overlooked. Although the article below doesn't give absolute directions on what to do if you find you are the type of person perpetuating (or in a "just friends/emotional affair" relationship) I think you will still be able to glean truth from it and take the situation to God. I know I'm going for the jugular with this one, but it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I definitely never want to be put in the same type of situation again. One final comment: I believe God wants His best for each of us.. If we want His best, we can't allow ourselves to squander our time, dreams and emotions on people who don't care for our hearts or have clear, solid emotional boundaries within their relationships.
to read the article called "Just Friends" go to:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001475.cfm
"How do others view your "friendships"? Ladies: might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would you want to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing, and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me."
I happen to agree with that quote a lot. I know for a fact that I would say no to any man who was "interested" in me if he has tons of super close girlfriends. What's the point of him having me around even; it's obvious that all his needs are already fulfilled by his many "girl friends". Furthermore, what about when we start dating? Would he be spending loads of time with his friends that are girls? How would this impact our relationship? If/when we got married, would he still meet these girl friends on a regular basis - could I even handle that? Nope. It's not jealousy, it's not mistrust - it's what I like to call the issue of adjuncts (adjunct: A person associated with another in a subordinate or auxiliary capacity). If there's supposed to be 8 people in one relationship then the whole concept of the covenant between Bridegroom & Bride makes absolutely no sense. God says that the covenant between a man and woman is sacred. God designed us to share our deepest hopes/dreams/emotions/time/energy with someone special (exclusively). How the heck do you keep that relationship special when you're spreading the most intimate and special things about who you are all over the place? Let me ask you this: If you have no emotional boundaries with sharing every part of yourself in your "just friends" relationships (even when you're dating/married), then what would then prevent you from sharing your partners' deepest emotions/dreams/desires too! That is so violating! It absolutely destroys the trust and integrity of the relationship.
There is nothing wrong with relating to your friends like you would your brother or sister. It's up to each individual to truly evaluate their intentions and desires towards any particular friendship/relationship to ensure it's kept in its rightful place. I think the most important thing is to BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS. The Bible says that the heart is deceptive above all things! We tell ourselves things all the time that are completely untrue. One thing I'm learning is to trust God and not my heart because my heart lies to me. I was in a relationship for 5 years. This man fed me promises, and made me think I was special to him, he kept things as "just friends" and led me to believe he was very interested in me through talking about marriage and spending lots of time with me. These things are ok in dating relationships but in fact, it was very wrong: because he knew I loved him and we were "just friends". When you know that someone loves you and is giving you the best of themselves, then be clear with them. Instead of being clear with me that he had no intention of loving me back, the man I was involved with allowed me to continue loving him. Personally, I think this is the epitome of selfishness. If he had been clear and said, "I don't love you and I never will" I could've walked away at a much earlier point. He obviously knew that I would walk away if he told me this, so he continued to lead me on and told me lies. Although what he did was inexcusable, he was not solely to blame. For my part, I should have been extra clear about how he felt about me earlier. I should have not allowed him to spend so much time with me one-to-one, and I shouldn't have shared my heart with him because he definitely was not capable of creating a safe place for it. He had many friends that were girls even when we were involved - this was a red flag but I ignored it. To this day I don't know how many other relationships he had "on the go" while we were together as I only found out about some of them. I know for a fact that there were other girls who were wounded by this man who preferred to keep his all of relationships secret and on a "just friends" basis. Red flags are there for a reason. If someone has an issue(s) that they've proven time and again, to have no intention of working on - then it's time to walk away. More often than not, people will not change for the better, once you are dating and/or married.
Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not one of those girls who "just wants to get married". That's not why I wrote this. I don't care if I get married or not. One thing I do care about is guarding the most precious places in my heart and saving them for two people: Jesus and, if I get married: my husband. Fortunately, Jesus has healed my heart and restored it to me even after a very painful relationship. Since He has been so faithful to me, I want to be faithful to Him and my potential husband. I want to honour my husband by not giving away the most amazing pieces of who I am to someone who's only in it for the emotional boost. Consequently, I'm purposing to not allow myself to go into friendships with men who are emotional vampires. Furthermore, I want to be the type of friend to my male friends who is clear about how I feel about them, and not let them think my regard for them is anything other than that of a sister. This isn't about trying to control someone else. All you can do is take care of where you stand. If someone wants to be an emotional vampire, that's their choice - you don't have to stick around. If someone has feelings for you and you don't have feelings for them, it's up to you to be honest. If you have feelings for someone, then don't drag it out forever and ever - just be honest. It's not the end of the world if things don't work out the way you wanted them to. Really, it comes down to the position of your heart, honour, respect and some good, old-fashioned honesty.
The great thing about the article below is that it in no way says men and women can't be friends (in fact it encourages true friendship). Moreover, it gives clear, Biblical reasons for why emotional affairs are dangerous. In "just friends" friendships, one party involved usually ends up feeling taken advantage of: one person (and occasionally both) usually has feelings that go beyond the classification of friendship. That's no one's fault: however, it's only fair for people to be honest. Personally, I believe that if men and women don't figure out why emotional affairs are dangerous before they enter a dating relationship or get married - there's a catastrophe waiting to happen. Much uncertainty/confusion is bred if this issue remains overlooked. Although the article below doesn't give absolute directions on what to do if you find you are the type of person perpetuating (or in a "just friends/emotional affair" relationship) I think you will still be able to glean truth from it and take the situation to God. I know I'm going for the jugular with this one, but it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I definitely never want to be put in the same type of situation again. One final comment: I believe God wants His best for each of us.. If we want His best, we can't allow ourselves to squander our time, dreams and emotions on people who don't care for our hearts or have clear, solid emotional boundaries within their relationships.
to read the article called "Just Friends" go to:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001475.cfm
Thursday, November 13, 2008
running
Too many words, too many lies
I can't quite see the truth
When I look into your eyes
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running
You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be deceived
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice
I don't know, I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand
Clouds come down
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running
You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be decieved
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice
I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running
You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
And we don't need a TV show
To show us which way to go
We just need to do what we know is right
Running by Evermore.
what does this have to do with anything? straight up: i wish i would just open my eyes. i want to see even if it means pain, brokenness, suffering - loss. i wish the truth were easier to speak.. regardless, i will endeavor to elaborate. i wish people weren't so afraid of their own lies. why is it that we don't just surrender to what we know is right, true and good? why is there such a fight? we run away from the truth.. but are our lies any less painful? our FEAR is everywhere - and we formulate constant distractions in order to cope. we would laugh if someone simply said that the fight comes down to one thing: self.. but it's true. our fight is with our self-absorbed self. the apostle Paul called himself a wretched man - and i can completely identify with that statement. i am wretched. i look at Jesus' sacrifice and i think, well - that was Jesus, that's ok for him, he is the son of God after all - but this is me we're talking about. WHAT? come again? whose standard am i thinking within when i think something like that? Gods'? no way! it's the worlds' standard. the world says save yourself, save your time, your love, your life, your money, keep it, keep it, keep it all. get that job, become successful, live the dream, have that house, the picket fence, the spouse of your dreams... and it's a massive trap. not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves, but when they become the DREAM - they become our TREASURE.. where our treasure is, there are hearts will be also. the world says, "don't count the cost of following Christ - pretend that you didn't know, pretend you were unaware. pretend like giving less than 100% is what Christ requires of you". i am so sick of thinking that way. i am so tired of believing ridiculous lies that cheapen the sacrifice God made for me.. of a living in a culture that just perpetuates the lies i am trying so hard to break free from.
North America doesn't think it needs God. but we are dying inside. loneliness, brokenness, we are so blinded by our own distractions. if we were quiet with ourselves, what would we hear ourselves say? we are deaf and blind to ourselves and the world around us. open your eyes. open your ears. ask God to show you. then tell me what you see.
a couple of months ago i told God "whatever it takes, there will be no walls between us".. yesterday/today/now i have reached the point of surrender (again, in a whole new way). nothing this world can offer me can compare to being in love with Jesus. on my way home last night i was listening to this song by Misty Edwards.. and through it, i found my heart connecting deeply again to His true love. my heart belongs to Jesus. it is wrapped up in His heart. it felt so good to remember that and to sing this as loud as i could
I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet
I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other
I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus
I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other lover and
I'll press on, yes I'll press on...
i've been thinking about the world. i've been asking myself what it would take to get me to blatantly walk out of Gods will for my life? it hit me all of a sudden - i've become numb to the rawness of who God is and His heart for His children. i've been thinking a lot about the third world. i've casually thought that there might be one or two things that could persuade me to stay here and forget about living completely abandoned to Gods' will. yesterday i really listened to what that means. that means that i essentially have been telling myself that i would be willing to live apart from God's perfect will and then would inadvertently be inviting others to do the same!!! wow.
and here i am, once again, counting the cost. i've thought about being alone. i've thought about never getting married. never having children. not seeing my family again. in spite of those things, finally, i am unafraid. the truth is - nothing is as beautiful as Him. nothing is as worthy as Him. nothing is as lovely, as true, as selfless, as good. no job, school, family or relationship. Jesus says to count the cost of following Him before we step out and walk His way. i have been so afraid. i have believed the lie that to uphold the standard that God is calling me to will prevent me from experiencing my "rights" in life.. these are our rights as defined by the self: i have a right to a job, a family, a husband, success as defined by the "North American dream" etc. but these rights are temporal, meaning they won't last beyond my last breath.. in my opinion, the self is a sell-out, a home-wrecker, a cheap, lazy, self-protective doubter that has no place in me. will i live for the temporary or the eternal? to challenge the North American dream/self in who i am inevitably scares other people (and myself). abandonment to God that is wreckless and doesn't sustain the self is intimidating. lately, i've told myself that no one wants someone like me around: if i were to be as hardcore as i know God is calling me to be. i'd lose friends. i am losing friends. i have amazing times with my friends, but i keep asking myself WHERE IS THE PASSION for the things of God!? WHO ARE WE LIVING FOR anyways? i am desperately seeking someone, anyone who is longing for the things of God.
can i stand before God and say i didn't know? can i stand before Him and tell Him that His love just wasn't enough? he gave 100% for me. what will i give to Him? 25%? 76%? 91%? what will be enough? how will i justify myself when i stand before Him, face to face? i know i won't be able to open my mouth to speak. unspeakable love will saturate me. and even though i know the completeness of His love - that He is in no way disappointed in me - even that knowledge of His love won't prevent me from being disappointed in myself.
INCREDIBLE LOVE. why did Peter ask to share in the suffering of Christ? BECAUSE HE LOVED HIM with every fiber of his being! because he wasn't willing to give anything less than all he had to the One who had given EVERYTHING to him... and he looked upon it as pure JOY to be able to suffer with his beloved! i don't even know what else to say. i want that. i want that joy. i want to be able to laugh at the world and say, "you have no hold on me - i am my Beloveds' and He is mine and His banner over me is LOVE"!!!
are we willing to lose our lives pertaining to the self in order to gain the life of Christ? are we willing to stop asking what's in it for us? is true love worth an entire life? to some people it won't be. but to me, true love is worth my entire life. there is no cost, there is no loss.. only an eternal love that is truer than life and more powerful than death.
29"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. 31 But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10:29-31
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25
He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Matthew 10:37
I can't quite see the truth
When I look into your eyes
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running
You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be deceived
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice
I don't know, I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand
Clouds come down
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running
You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be decieved
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice
I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running
You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
And we don't need a TV show
To show us which way to go
We just need to do what we know is right
Running by Evermore.
what does this have to do with anything? straight up: i wish i would just open my eyes. i want to see even if it means pain, brokenness, suffering - loss. i wish the truth were easier to speak.. regardless, i will endeavor to elaborate. i wish people weren't so afraid of their own lies. why is it that we don't just surrender to what we know is right, true and good? why is there such a fight? we run away from the truth.. but are our lies any less painful? our FEAR is everywhere - and we formulate constant distractions in order to cope. we would laugh if someone simply said that the fight comes down to one thing: self.. but it's true. our fight is with our self-absorbed self. the apostle Paul called himself a wretched man - and i can completely identify with that statement. i am wretched. i look at Jesus' sacrifice and i think, well - that was Jesus, that's ok for him, he is the son of God after all - but this is me we're talking about. WHAT? come again? whose standard am i thinking within when i think something like that? Gods'? no way! it's the worlds' standard. the world says save yourself, save your time, your love, your life, your money, keep it, keep it, keep it all. get that job, become successful, live the dream, have that house, the picket fence, the spouse of your dreams... and it's a massive trap. not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves, but when they become the DREAM - they become our TREASURE.. where our treasure is, there are hearts will be also. the world says, "don't count the cost of following Christ - pretend that you didn't know, pretend you were unaware. pretend like giving less than 100% is what Christ requires of you". i am so sick of thinking that way. i am so tired of believing ridiculous lies that cheapen the sacrifice God made for me.. of a living in a culture that just perpetuates the lies i am trying so hard to break free from.
North America doesn't think it needs God. but we are dying inside. loneliness, brokenness, we are so blinded by our own distractions. if we were quiet with ourselves, what would we hear ourselves say? we are deaf and blind to ourselves and the world around us. open your eyes. open your ears. ask God to show you. then tell me what you see.
a couple of months ago i told God "whatever it takes, there will be no walls between us".. yesterday/today/now i have reached the point of surrender (again, in a whole new way). nothing this world can offer me can compare to being in love with Jesus. on my way home last night i was listening to this song by Misty Edwards.. and through it, i found my heart connecting deeply again to His true love. my heart belongs to Jesus. it is wrapped up in His heart. it felt so good to remember that and to sing this as loud as i could
I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet
I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other
I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus
I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other lover and
I'll press on, yes I'll press on...
i've been thinking about the world. i've been asking myself what it would take to get me to blatantly walk out of Gods will for my life? it hit me all of a sudden - i've become numb to the rawness of who God is and His heart for His children. i've been thinking a lot about the third world. i've casually thought that there might be one or two things that could persuade me to stay here and forget about living completely abandoned to Gods' will. yesterday i really listened to what that means. that means that i essentially have been telling myself that i would be willing to live apart from God's perfect will and then would inadvertently be inviting others to do the same!!! wow.
and here i am, once again, counting the cost. i've thought about being alone. i've thought about never getting married. never having children. not seeing my family again. in spite of those things, finally, i am unafraid. the truth is - nothing is as beautiful as Him. nothing is as worthy as Him. nothing is as lovely, as true, as selfless, as good. no job, school, family or relationship. Jesus says to count the cost of following Him before we step out and walk His way. i have been so afraid. i have believed the lie that to uphold the standard that God is calling me to will prevent me from experiencing my "rights" in life.. these are our rights as defined by the self: i have a right to a job, a family, a husband, success as defined by the "North American dream" etc. but these rights are temporal, meaning they won't last beyond my last breath.. in my opinion, the self is a sell-out, a home-wrecker, a cheap, lazy, self-protective doubter that has no place in me. will i live for the temporary or the eternal? to challenge the North American dream/self in who i am inevitably scares other people (and myself). abandonment to God that is wreckless and doesn't sustain the self is intimidating. lately, i've told myself that no one wants someone like me around: if i were to be as hardcore as i know God is calling me to be. i'd lose friends. i am losing friends. i have amazing times with my friends, but i keep asking myself WHERE IS THE PASSION for the things of God!? WHO ARE WE LIVING FOR anyways? i am desperately seeking someone, anyone who is longing for the things of God.
can i stand before God and say i didn't know? can i stand before Him and tell Him that His love just wasn't enough? he gave 100% for me. what will i give to Him? 25%? 76%? 91%? what will be enough? how will i justify myself when i stand before Him, face to face? i know i won't be able to open my mouth to speak. unspeakable love will saturate me. and even though i know the completeness of His love - that He is in no way disappointed in me - even that knowledge of His love won't prevent me from being disappointed in myself.
INCREDIBLE LOVE. why did Peter ask to share in the suffering of Christ? BECAUSE HE LOVED HIM with every fiber of his being! because he wasn't willing to give anything less than all he had to the One who had given EVERYTHING to him... and he looked upon it as pure JOY to be able to suffer with his beloved! i don't even know what else to say. i want that. i want that joy. i want to be able to laugh at the world and say, "you have no hold on me - i am my Beloveds' and He is mine and His banner over me is LOVE"!!!
are we willing to lose our lives pertaining to the self in order to gain the life of Christ? are we willing to stop asking what's in it for us? is true love worth an entire life? to some people it won't be. but to me, true love is worth my entire life. there is no cost, there is no loss.. only an eternal love that is truer than life and more powerful than death.
29"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. 31 But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10:29-31
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25
He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Matthew 10:37
Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other will be left. Luke 17:33-34
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