emotional affairs

I have often wondered what emotional affairs actually entail. Technically the term pertains to something that occurs within marriage, however, I believe this kind of affair occurs within the "just friends" type of relationship too. The thing is, a lot of people don't realize the damage they do to other people by having scattered emotions within their friendships. They pull many people of the opposite sex to them, thus gaining the benefits of a dating or marriage relationship without care or concern for what this will do to the hearts involved. One great point from the article below stresses this:

"How do others view your "friendships"? Ladies: might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would you want to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing, and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me."

I happen to agree with that quote a lot. I know for a fact that I would say no to any man who was "interested" in me if he has tons of super close girlfriends. What's the point of him having me around even; it's obvious that all his needs are already fulfilled by his many "girl friends". Furthermore, what about when we start dating? Would he be spending loads of time with his friends that are girls? How would this impact our relationship? If/when we got married, would he still meet these girl friends on a regular basis - could I even handle that? Nope. It's not jealousy, it's not mistrust - it's what I like to call the issue of adjuncts (adjunct: A person associated with another in a subordinate or auxiliary capacity). If there's supposed to be 8 people in one relationship then the whole concept of the covenant between Bridegroom & Bride makes absolutely no sense. God says that the covenant between a man and woman is sacred. God designed us to share our deepest hopes/dreams/emotions/time/energy with someone special (exclusively). How the heck do you keep that relationship special when you're spreading the most intimate and special things about who you are all over the place? Let me ask you this: If you have no emotional boundaries with sharing every part of yourself in your "just friends" relationships (even when you're dating/married), then what would then prevent you from sharing your partners' deepest emotions/dreams/desires too! That is so violating! It absolutely destroys the trust and integrity of the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with relating to your friends like you would your brother or sister. It's up to each individual to truly evaluate their intentions and desires towards any particular friendship/relationship to ensure it's kept in its rightful place. I think the most important thing is to BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS. The Bible says that the heart is deceptive above all things! We tell ourselves things all the time that are completely untrue. One thing I'm learning is to trust God and not my heart because my heart lies to me. I was in a relationship for 5 years. This man fed me promises, and made me think I was special to him, he kept things as "just friends" and led me to believe he was very interested in me through talking about marriage and spending lots of time with me. These things are ok in dating relationships but in fact, it was very wrong: because he knew I loved him and we were "just friends". When you know that someone loves you and is giving you the best of themselves, then be clear with them. Instead of being clear with me that he had no intention of loving me back, the man I was involved with allowed me to continue loving him. Personally, I think this is the epitome of selfishness. If he had been clear and said, "I don't love you and I never will" I could've walked away at a much earlier point. He obviously knew that I would walk away if he told me this, so he continued to lead me on and told me lies. Although what he did was inexcusable, he was not solely to blame. For my part, I should have been extra clear about how he felt about me earlier. I should have not allowed him to spend so much time with me one-to-one, and I shouldn't have shared my heart with him because he definitely was not capable of creating a safe place for it. He had many friends that were girls even when we were involved - this was a red flag but I ignored it. To this day I don't know how many other relationships he had "on the go" while we were together as I only found out about some of them. I know for a fact that there were other girls who were wounded by this man who preferred to keep his all of relationships secret and on a "just friends" basis. Red flags are there for a reason. If someone has an issue(s) that they've proven time and again, to have no intention of working on - then it's time to walk away. More often than not, people will not change for the better, once you are dating and/or married.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not one of those girls who "just wants to get married". That's not why I wrote this. I don't care if I get married or not. One thing I do care about is guarding the most precious places in my heart and saving them for two people: Jesus and, if I get married: my husband. Fortunately, Jesus has healed my heart and restored it to me even after a very painful relationship. Since He has been so faithful to me, I want to be faithful to Him and my potential husband. I want to honour my husband by not giving away the most amazing pieces of who I am to someone who's only in it for the emotional boost. Consequently, I'm purposing to not allow myself to go into friendships with men who are emotional vampires. Furthermore, I want to be the type of friend to my male friends who is clear about how I feel about them, and not let them think my regard for them is anything other than that of a sister. This isn't about trying to control someone else. All you can do is take care of where you stand. If someone wants to be an emotional vampire, that's their choice - you don't have to stick around. If someone has feelings for you and you don't have feelings for them, it's up to you to be honest. If you have feelings for someone, then don't drag it out forever and ever - just be honest. It's not the end of the world if things don't work out the way you wanted them to. Really, it comes down to the position of your heart, honour, respect and some good, old-fashioned honesty.

The great thing about the article below is that it in no way says men and women can't be friends (in fact it encourages true friendship). Moreover, it gives clear, Biblical reasons for why emotional affairs are dangerous. In "just friends" friendships, one party involved usually ends up feeling taken advantage of: one person (and occasionally both) usually has feelings that go beyond the classification of friendship. That's no one's fault: however, it's only fair for people to be honest. Personally, I believe that if men and women don't figure out why emotional affairs are dangerous before they enter a dating relationship or get married - there's a catastrophe waiting to happen. Much uncertainty/confusion is bred if this issue remains overlooked. Although the article below doesn't give absolute directions on what to do if you find you are the type of person perpetuating (or in a "just friends/emotional affair" relationship) I think you will still be able to glean truth from it and take the situation to God. I know I'm going for the jugular with this one, but it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I definitely never want to be put in the same type of situation again. One final comment: I believe God wants His best for each of us.. If we want His best, we can't allow ourselves to squander our time, dreams and emotions on people who don't care for our hearts or have clear, solid emotional boundaries within their relationships.

to read the article called "Just Friends" go to:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001475.cfm