thoughts on saying no..

Saying no. Even as I contemplate what I'm about to write, slight nervousness and tears seem imminent. When we say no to someone, does it mean we don't love them? When we tell someone we can't be what they want us to be, does that mean that our love is invalid? I took this question to the Holy Spirit.. and in the gentlest of ways, He assured me that sometimes, to say no, is the greatest of kindnesses. It's not easy to say no to someone.. Jesus said, that what we do unto the least of these, we do to Him (Matthew 24:25). As followers of Jesus, I fully believe it's our duty to feed the poor, clothe the naked and lead the oppressed to freedom in Jesus. My question is, are there times when doing something for someone actually infringes upon their growth as an individual (I'm referring to someone who has a relationship with Jesus)? I know I already know the answer to this question and even in knowing the answer, it is nonetheless awful to have to say no to a brother or sister in Christ. Very recently, I had to tell one of my friends that I couldn't be a close friend to them anymore. It's something I felt God was leading me to do for a while now, but I just couldn't do it for some reason. When someone puts you on a pedestal, it's even more difficult to say no because there is so much expectation.. there's a long way to fall from such a lofty place in someones heart or mind.

This friend believes that because I put a boundary up, that it means I don't care. The truth is, it's because I do care for them, that I won't allow them to continue putting me in such a high place in their life. If my friends' regard for me was free, easy, uncontrolled and full of grace - there would have been no need for a rigid boundary. But, as this was not the case, I had no other choice but to back away. Did it make me upset to have to say no? Yes. Did it make my friend upset that I said no? Yes. Can it really be the right decision if every one's upset? Yes. But what's the point??? Here's the deal: God's will is not dependent on our happiness. Sometimes He will ask us to do things we really don't "feel" like doing. Sometimes He will ask us to give up friendships, things, habits etc.. sometimes these things even appear very harmless. What's at the root of the issue? Doesn't it always come back to our heart? Our motivation? God's word says that man looks on the outward appearance, but "God looks at the heart" (Samuel 16:7). Our hearts are of vital importance to God, because out of the heart," flows the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).


God's design in everything is to take us to the place where we are functioning as one. Isn't that what the life of Jesus proved? Jesus said He did nothing apart from what the Father was doing. Although I'm far from being completely in sync with the Spirit, it is something I am trusting in Jesus for. It's something I need His grace to walk in. If there's something which impedes that function, or infringes on our growth or ability to be one with the Spirit, I think God usually puts His finger on it. We can ignore it for a long time, we can even refuse to acknowledge what the Spirit is saying.. but eventually, our relationship will be affected and we then aren't in perfect relationship with Jesus anymore. That's not something I want. I want relationship - perfect relationship with Him. I know I can't strive for that - I simply can just trust Him and surrender my all to Him, every day.

What does this have to do with my friend? Well, in surrendering my friend to God, I am surrendering another piece of my life and telling God that I want His best for my friend, and for myself. My friend took it as rejection, but if He asks God what He really thinks, I know he will hear the whispers of Gods love and His desire to bless him with His very best.

Through life's trials, the character of our hearts are revealed. When we don't get our way, when things don't work out like we wanted, something is shown of our hearts. It's often our perspective on what happens to us that affects the situation the most - and our hearts influence that perspective a significant amount. Through our perspective, the truth of what is actually in our hearts is revealed. Will we become unforgiving? Bitter? Fearful? Doubtful? Hateful? We can so easily become victims, believing that the "bad" things that happen to us are inherently "wrong". The truth is, that even "bad/unfavorable" things can produce beauty in us if we're willing to surrender our lives to Jesus. The truth is, God is love. The truth is, God loves us and promises that He will work everything for good - anything that is entrusted to Him, He will work through it for good.. even if it starts out as a slap in the face. For example, I've had a friend who treats me like I don't exist about 80% of the time right now. I've kept wondering why - I'd keep trying to find reasons for this treatment.. then suddenly, I realized that God is trying to teach me something. To walk in forgiveness and remain soft hearted towards this person, regardless of whether I feel like it or not is so difficult, yet that is what He requires. It's not something I naturally would like to do - but I know for a fact, that once I walk through this situation, my heart will be less calloused, less selfish and more understanding.. and in spite of the discomfort, I know it will be worth it in the end. If I take care of the posture of my heart towards my friend, God will take care of the posture of my friends heart towards life (and me).

I write this as much for my friends as I write it for myself. I pray that we can see what's truly in our hearts when life doesn't immediately hand us what it is we think we need/want. Maybe God has something He wants to show us or tell us. Although things don't always make logical sense when it comes to God - it makes sense to trust Him because He is 100% good, 100% love, 100% there for us. His word says that "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”. (1 Corinthians 2:9) So, the next time life doesn't give you what you want, ask God what He's trying to show you? Ask Him where He is in your circumstance.. He is so faithful.. He will reveal it if we are willing to lay our pride down and give in to His perfect love.