running

Too many words, too many lies
I can't quite see the truth
When I look into your eyes
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running

You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be deceived
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice

I don't know, I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand

Clouds come down

I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running


You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be decieved
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice

I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running


You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
And we don't need a TV show
To show us which way to go
We just need to do what we know is right

Running by Evermore.

what does this have to do with anything? straight up: i wish i would just open my eyes. i want to see even if it means pain, brokenness, suffering - loss. i wish the truth were easier to speak.. regardless, i will endeavor to elaborate. i wish people weren't so afraid of their own lies. why is it that we don't just surrender to what we know is right, true and good? why is there such a fight? we run away from the truth.. but are our lies any less painful? our FEAR is everywhere - and we formulate constant distractions in order to cope. we would laugh if someone simply said that the fight comes down to one thing: self.. but it's true. our fight is with our self-absorbed self. the apostle Paul called himself a wretched man - and i can completely identify with that statement. i am wretched. i look at Jesus' sacrifice and i think, well - that was Jesus, that's ok for him, he is the son of God after all - but this is me we're talking about. WHAT? come again? whose standard am i thinking within when i think something like that? Gods'? no way! it's the worlds' standard. the world says save yourself, save your time, your love, your life, your money, keep it, keep it, keep it all. get that job, become successful, live the dream, have that house, the picket fence, the spouse of your dreams... and it's a massive trap. not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves, but when they become the DREAM - they become our TREASURE.. where our treasure is, there are hearts will be also. the world says, "don't count the cost of following Christ - pretend that you didn't know, pretend you were unaware. pretend like giving less than 100% is what Christ requires of you". i am so sick of thinking that way. i am so tired of believing ridiculous lies that cheapen the sacrifice God made for me.. of a living in a culture that just perpetuates the lies i am trying so hard to break free from.

North America doesn't think it needs God. but we are dying inside. loneliness, brokenness, we are so blinded by our own distractions. if we were quiet with ourselves, what would we hear ourselves say? we are deaf and blind to ourselves and the world around us. open your eyes. open your ears. ask God to show you. then tell me what you see.

a couple of months ago i told God "whatever it takes, there will be no walls between us".. yesterday/today/now i have reached the point of surrender (again, in a whole new way). nothing this world can offer me can compare to being in love with Jesus. on my way home last night i was listening to this song by Misty Edwards.. and through it, i found my heart connecting deeply again to His true love. my heart belongs to Jesus. it is wrapped up in His heart. it felt so good to remember that and to sing this as loud as i could

I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other lover and
I'll press on, yes I'll press on...

i've been thinking about the world. i've been asking myself what it would take to get me to blatantly walk out of Gods will for my life? it hit me all of a sudden - i've become numb to the rawness of who God is and His heart for His children. i've been thinking a lot about the third world. i've casually thought that there might be one or two things that could persuade me to stay here and forget about living completely abandoned to Gods' will. yesterday i really listened to what that means. that means that i essentially have been telling myself that i would be willing to live apart from God's perfect will and then would inadvertently be inviting others to do the same!!! wow.

and here i am, once again, counting the cost. i've thought about being alone. i've thought about never getting married. never having children. not seeing my family again. in spite of those things, finally, i am unafraid. the truth is - nothing is as beautiful as Him. nothing is as worthy as Him. nothing is as lovely, as true, as selfless, as good. no job, school, family or relationship. Jesus says to count the cost of following Him before we step out and walk His way. i have been so afraid. i have believed the lie that to uphold the standard that God is calling me to will prevent me from experiencing my "rights" in life.. these are our rights as defined by the self: i have a right to a job, a family, a husband, success as defined by the "North American dream" etc. but these rights are temporal, meaning they won't last beyond my last breath.. in my opinion, the self is a sell-out, a home-wrecker, a cheap, lazy, self-protective doubter that has no place in me. will i live for the temporary or the eternal? to challenge the North American dream/self in who i am inevitably scares other people (and myself). abandonment to God that is wreckless and doesn't sustain the self is intimidating. lately, i've told myself that no one wants someone like me around: if i were to be as hardcore as i know God is calling me to be. i'd lose friends. i am losing friends. i have amazing times with my friends, but i keep asking myself WHERE IS THE PASSION for the things of God!? WHO ARE WE LIVING FOR anyways? i am desperately seeking someone, anyone who is longing for the things of God.

can i stand before God and say i didn't know? can i stand before Him and tell Him that His love just wasn't enough? he gave 100% for me. what will i give to Him? 25%? 76%? 91%? what will be enough? how will i justify myself when i stand before Him, face to face? i know i won't be able to open my mouth to speak. unspeakable love will saturate me. and even though i know the completeness of His love - that He is in no way disappointed in me - even that knowledge of His love won't prevent me from being disappointed in myself.

INCREDIBLE LOVE. why did Peter ask to share in the suffering of Christ? BECAUSE HE LOVED HIM with every fiber of his being! because he wasn't willing to give anything less than all he had to the One who had given EVERYTHING to him... and he looked upon it as pure JOY to be able to suffer with his beloved! i don't even know what else to say. i want that. i want that joy. i want to be able to laugh at the world and say, "you have no hold on me - i am my Beloveds' and He is mine and His banner over me is LOVE"!!!

are we willing to lose our lives pertaining to the self in order to gain the life of Christ? are we willing to stop asking what's in it for us? is true love worth an entire life? to some people it won't be. but to me, true love is worth my entire life. there is no cost, there is no loss.. only an eternal love that is truer than life and more powerful than death.


29"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. 31 But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10:29-31

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25


He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Matthew 10:37

Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other will be left. Luke 17:33-34