what else can i call it? selfishness is selfishness.

i am a moody person. or something. yesterday i was sick (i have a cold). and anyways, things were pretty much crappy (or so i was thinking to myself) and i was tired and miserable. i went to bed last night feeling kind of chapped because i was sick (nothing like feeling sick to promote a little self-pity). 

my friend sent me this song he wrote today.. as i listened to it i thought, DANG!!! and it smacked my heart and my head into focusing on Jesus..  his song talks about being the light of the world, letting our light shine before men so they can see our good deeds and glorify God because of them. and even though it was the simplest verse - it shook me, and was in essence a wake up call i most definitely needed. 

ever since i got back from Guatemala this summer i've slowly been getting less and less sensitive to the things that really matter. i was so shocked when i came home: i often thought, "is this seriously the way i used to live"? i was disgusted with myself, the things i used to do. i ached because of the way i was living before i went there. i remember the last thing that Al (a development worker in Guatemala) told me as i was boarding the shuttle to the airport to come back home to Canada.. he said, "be an ambassador of what you have seen and heard".. have i been that ambassador? have i stood for the truth? or have i been growing more selfish as the days go by? the answer is what hurts the most, the truth hurts. i have been less selfish, less of the things i used to be.. but it still isn't enough. it's not enough. 

there are families in Guatemala that live in huts made of sticks and garbage bags. they have one pair of underwear, one ripped t-shirt and no shoes. some people have one meal a day - maybe only every few days. 

North America.. North America.. will our eyes always be so blind? will our ears always be so deaf? will our hearts always be so hard? we turn our regard for the brokenness of others on and off like the tv. some days we care, other days we don't... some days we allow God in, other days we keep Him out.. oh what tempermental lovers we are.. how many other loves we have besides Him.  i am not satisfied with that. i will not be content in that.. i want Him to be my first love, my only love.. 

is my light growing dim? i drown as i watch my own selfishness taking precedence. how it creeps in so slowly... so slowly. i can see Jesus weeping in the corner. the pain of the nations stricken by disease, poverty and torment breaking His heart. and i can only wonder what breaks His heart more: the pain of those nations, or the fact that North Americans make a mockery of that pain on a daily basis?

i never want to forget what you have given me. i never want to forget what is important, what matters. Jesus: don't let me forget. 

when i don't get what i want -  my own perverse desire for instant gratification is an indication of my depravity.. when i begin to think that something "sucks" in North American terms: remind me.. remind me of Elgwyn and Ramiro and their mud hut. remind me of Sarai, Ronnie and Franklin.. and millions of children like them worldwide suffering from parasites, malnutrition, abuse and broken homes: these, Your children - break my heart for them.. 

where is my head at? where is my heart at? my own superficiality infuriates me!!!! and in my disgust, i am drawn to You. i am drawn to stop focusing on meaningless things, on insignificant distractions and relationships.. let Your light shine again. i purpose to be a vessel that doesn't impede the flow of Your love.. 

Jesus, this is the power of Your light in us: to stand for justice, to love peace, and to walk humbly with You, our God.. to defend orphans and widows, to love the poor and fatherless.. to partner with Your Spirit as you bind up the brokenhearted and heal all of their wounds.. 

if i have one prayer right now, it is that You would keep my heart raw for these things: to love what You love, and hate what You hate... in that, i know that i can never forget what really matters.