atonement

God, are we willing to give up our walls? All of our pathetic self-protection and self-defense? I feel the resistance and it makes me ache. What are we waiting for? WHO? When? Would this be easier if all the circumstances were perfect? There is no right person or people to deal with the issues of our hearts. The strength of men is not strong enough to tear down these walls and turn ashes to beauty. Our war is for You to fight. Our issues can only be resolved in Your healing hands. If we want the fullness of all You have - we must face what You've shown us, with eyes full of truth, hearts full of faith and hands full of love. Are we willing to take all we have and surrender it to the light? Are we willing to run to You when everyone else is turning to distractions - will we turn to You? The world watches: they stand in their strength with their hearts of stone, mocking brokenness I can't escape. I can only throw myself on all that You are. I haven't the slightest hope - whom have I but You? Who is like You, God? Who is like You?

I am longing for You.. I can't escape longing for You: the depth and breadth of which I scarcely know. To know You care for me - You are never disappointed, never hopeless.. how is it possible for Your love to break my heart with such perfection and determination? How can the healing You give heal me more, the more broken I become? Your strength, made perfect in weakness.. How I want to be so close to Your heart God.. I don't fear brokenness. I only fear not knowing You... not having all of You.. You're yearning to show me... so help me find my way to where You are.. let me be close to Your heart.. stay.

You say I am Your garden: beautiful and free.. so be with me here Jesus, stay with me. Nothing I can say or do will atone for the things I have done: the dirty rags I have worn. I won't leave this place until You've touched my heart. I will storm every wall just to see You face to face: to have Your full attention. I won't leave until I know I have shown You everything.. So heal me and make me clean. I'm waiting for You to meet me here. I'll wait.

this belongs to you

Sunlight
Remarkable, it shines
Loudly I hear it
Softly it falls and pierces
The night.
Tiny particles float in the golden air
Secret and vast
Do You know how much I love this place?
It's Yours, it's mine
Love is everywhere
All the colors are here
When You speak the mystery starts
Like a song
My heart is listening..
I know You are strong
I know You are true
I know You are just...
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Walks in the light
His laughter falls like stardust
All over my face
Jesus.. You are so beautiful
None of my words can describe
How beautiful You are.

it was discovered and it was new

Choices seem to confront us on such a superficial level all day long: what to wear, where to go to lunch, who to talk to, who not to talk to, what shoes to buy? Decaf or regular coffee? Do we take a second look at someone as they walk past (or not)? All the time we're deciding what part of our sensory and/or audio-visual input we actually want to pay attention to.. it can be a tad bit frustrating and also incredibly distracting on many levels. Personally, I find it very frustrating. So many of the things I allow myself to get distracted by, really have minor significance in the long run. I honestly wish that we weren't all so easily distracted by the minor things in life... Kurt Cobain is well known for saying that he wanted to "live fast and die young". So much of our Western culture reflects this mentality. We have little next to no interest in longevity, meaningfulness, purpose or destiny. We're so concerned with the consumption of goods, products, relationships and experiences.. we miss the point of life. If we can keep making superficial and distracting (yet very well thought out) decisions about where to shop and what to do with our spare time - we can forever ignore the picture God sees and the relationship He is longing to have with us. We miss it all and we've got no one to blame but ourselves.

I don't know about you, but I don't want the status-quo for my life. I want so much more than the next "best" thing on the never-ending list of "next best things", I want so much more than hip friends, cool clothes and a solid playlist to listen to. With my whole heart I know that God is calling all of humanity into deeper relationship with Himself. He is calling us to a relationship truer, more intimate and fulfilling than anything many of us are willing to engage in. What is it about engaging that scares us? The definition of engaging/to engage is: to occupy the attention or efforts of, to secure for aid, employment, use, etc; hire, to attract and hold fast, to attract or please, to bind, as by pledge, promise, contract, or oath, make liable, to betroth, enter into conflict with, interlock with, to attach or secure, to occupy oneself, to become involved, to engage in business or politics, to take employment, to pledge one's word; assume an obligation. The way I view engaging is this: it requires an investment on the part(s) of the one(s) who engage(s). The wonderful thing we all know about investments is that there is RISK involved. It also means it will inevitably COST us something.

What if we just engaged with God? What if we actually invested/devoted ourselves to knowing Gods' plan for our lives, His heart towards the people in our lives and His purpose for why we're here on this earth? I know most of us would be scared out of our minds if we actually listened to what He has to say, that's for sure. But it is so worth it to invest in what He has - because it honestly is the BEST for us. Psalm 63:3 says that His love is better than life. Jesus said that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). The thief He refers to is the enemy, but I believe that we ourselves can cheat and steal from ourselves by being so distracted and disengaged. If you know God has something for you - He's told you about it, it's on the radar, I want to ask you one question: How are you treating it? How do you hold it? Do you clutch onto it or hold it loosely? Do you stick it in the corner of the top shelf of the closet of your heart that you plan on never going into again? How do you view what God have given you or shown to you? Just being honest about the perspective you have of the things God has given you is the first step to knowing your true heart regarding the things of God.
The next thing I've been thinking about is this: Even an awesome, amazing gift God wants you to invest in, if treated like it's worthless, will eventually become worthless, meaningless and definitely less than the best. How we treat what God gives to us and imparts to us is so important. The things He gives are the best - they are SO incredibly precious.. I have to remind myself of this a lot because it's my nature to disregard the holy or that which is "set apart" as I often will naturally gravitate towards the superficial and meaningless. This angers me sometimes and I get very mad at myself. I find myself screaming internally, "GOD - WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HOLY LIKE YOU ARE HOLY? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE 100% ON BOARD WITH EVERYTHING YOU WANT?" He has so much more grace for my impatience with my own process than I do.. but it is nonetheless discouraging at times. I fight. And. lose. All. The. Time. When it comes down to the wire - I want what He wants and I'm willing to go there with Him. I'm willing to engage with Him.. but do I fight it? Yes. I do. Do I want to be at the place where I don't fight Him? Yes, so much. But it's a process.. and today, I had it on my heart to write it out.

I truly feel challenged in the areas of engaging and investing lately; I also feel blessed in them. God is encouraging me to ask more questions and to seek His face more for answers instead of just being satisfied with what I perceive to be silence. So often, there is something in my life that clouds my eyes and deafens my ears to what is actually being shown and said to me. So I ask Jesus - help me see what You see, help me hear what You hear, show me.. I want to know.. The coolest thing ever is when His answer is exceedingly more surprising and satisfying than anything I could've expected! It's AWESOME!!!!
So I encourage you to give it a try! Ask God something you've been too scared or too busy to ask Him.. expect to be surprised! I hope and pray that you would discover Gods' love for you and His plan for your life. To know what it is to actually engage in a conversation with Him is SO AMAZING! The word of God says that if we're hungry and thirsty for righteousness, we will be filled (Matthew 5:6). He has put eternity in our hearts (Ecclesiastes 3:11) so go find it by finding Him! Find out what you're missing. Don't settle for the superficial. I encourage you to go deep, and seek out the heart of the One who truly loves you. <3

i'm here, i'm now, i'm ready..

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be, near You

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery ~ Switchfoot

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.. it is such a scary place to be. Uncertainty. The unknown.. I own nothing of any value, I have nothing but my heart to give to God. Is that truly all He wants? I feel like He is turning me inside out for the sake of trust and love. I feel as though the path is completely obscured by darkness, with the exception of the brightest light He sets before me. Such a small space is illuminated. He is calling me to get up, though in darkness. I can hear their laughter and cynical words all around me. Softly He asks me to come, walk with Him. Stand with Him. Lifting up my eyes, standing apart, I know He is with me here.. Do I, myself, even know the significance of this? For once, I will listen to His still, whispering voice. I choose You. I choose to listen. The tone of His voice is drowning out the chatter I hear all around me. Whether I go to the left or the right.. I hear His voice. Is that enough? Others call out to me from the darkness: control, fear, doubt and unbelief. They say Your voice is not enough, they tell me to give them proof, logic, rationale... How I have tried in vain to appease them. I have wept for You to deliver me in times past. But I was still looking at them - trying desperately to prove to them.. and You so patiently waited for me to be with You.. to stop looking at them. Now I know, they will never be satisfied. Their hatred of You and the things You love is so palpable - and yet, they hold no sway now. I am with You.

Softness, gentleness, Your kindness overwhelms me. You're invitation - will I walk into the desert with You? Will I step out in faith with You? Will I allow You to lead me through the darkest place by faith alone.. knowing it's only You I have?.. no one else can see You.. Jesus, if I fail in mens' eyes and estimation, will You carry me? I could stay here forever, playing it safe, protecting myself, feeding fear.. You've shown me a greater love, a deeper truth, a vulnerable house that You alone will protect. It is there that I am safe. There I will reside.. it is You.. so lead me on. Though I am blind, You give me eyes to see the most important things: I can trust You... I can follow You anywhere. Nothing else matters.. I just need Your voice.. whatever happens, please don't let me lose the sound of Your voice...

p.r.a.y.e.r.

“We must continue in prayer if we are to get an outpouring of the Spirit. Christ says there are some things we shall not get, unless we pray and fast, yes, 'prayer and fasting'. We must control the flesh and abstain from whatever hinders direct fellowship with God." - Andrew A. Bonar

"Oh! men and brethren, what would this heart feel if I could but believe that there were some among you who would go home and pray for a revival - men whose faith is large enough, and their love fiery enough to lead them from this moment to exercise unceasing intercessions that God would appear among us and do wondrous things here, as in the times of former generations." - C. H. Spurgeon

"A prayerless man is proud and independent, and any church that neglects corporate prayer is sadly no better. Only God's humble and needy children take the time to pray. Everyone else is just going through the motions and naively trusting in their own strength!" - David ~Smithers

"The evangelization of the word in this generation depends first of all upon a revival of prayer. Deeper than the need for men; deeper, far, than the need for money; aye, deep down at the bottom of our spiritless life is the need for the forgotten secret of prevailing, world-wide prayer." - Robert E. Speer

"I believe there is one thing for which God is very angry with our land, and for which His Holy Spirit is so little among us, and that is the neglect of united prayer; the appointed means of bringing down the Holy Spirit." - Brownlow North

"From the day of Pentecost, there has been not one great spiritual awakening in any land which has not begun in a union of prayer." - A. T. Pierson

"Revivals begin with God's own people; the Holy Spirit touches their heart anew, and gives them new fervor and compassion, and zeal, new light and life, and when He has thus come to you, He next goes forth to the valley of dry bones... Oh, what responsibility this lays on the Church of God! If you grieve Him away from yourselves, or hinder His visit, then the poor perishing world suffers sorely!" - Andrew A. Bonar

"Our prayers lay the track down on which God's power can come. Like a mighty locomotive, his power is irresistible, but it cannot reach us without rails." - Watchman Nee

"Pray often; for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan." - John Bunyan

When you pray for anyone you tend to modify your personal attitude toward him. Norman Vincent Peale

I am praying for life and the regeneration of your spirit within you. I am praying for the newness of the Spirit to rest within and on you. I am praying that your heart would be open to the things of God: that you would have ears to hear, eyes to see and a heart that knows Gods’ love, will, grace, joy and power in a tangible way. I pray you would have a revelation of God’s love for you. Today I stand in the gap for you: my enemies and friends, and cry out to God on your behalf! That you may see Him, that you may know who you are as His child, and that through your weakness, His strength would be perfected in you. I pray you would develop the burden of prayer. Watchman Nee rightly stated, that if we have no burden, we will not pray. I pray that the Spirit would place the burden to pray on our hearts. Pray for those who hate us, pray for those who agitate us.. pray for those whom we love who are struggling in doubt and confusion. We are a prideful people.. so often we look at each other (at least I do) and think – if only this person weren’t so _______, I would be much happier! Is that really loving as Jesus loves? Is that really looking at someone with the eyes of LOVE, through and through? So often, we talk at great length about a problem and our frustration with it, then neglect to pray! How will anything change if we do not pray? Prayer is our partnership with the Spirit to see His will come to pass. Lately, I have been reminded of the importance of prayer.. it is so vital! The quote by Charles Spurgeon up above actually brings tears to my eyes because it resonnates so much within me.. God promises, if we, His people, would but humble ourselves and pray – what amazing transformation we would see in our lives and the lives of those around us! If we would only seek Gods’ face and turn from our sin (hardness of heart), God promises that He will hear from heaven, and forgive our sin and heal our land 2 Chronicles 7:14. THIS IS A PROMISE!!! Don’t we know that He means what He says? He means it! So I’m calling to you to pray – God is waiting on YOU to change your heart - not the person you feel frustrated with, or the person who you’re angry at. He wants us to pray for them… for when our hearts change, something in the Spirit shifts. In love and forgiveness, the Spirit is then free to move and work.. it is a beautiful thing. It releases joy when God shows us what He sees over that persons' life, the work He longs to do! Let's not stop Him.. let's run to Jesus, let's go, let's pray! :-)

thoughts on saying no..

Saying no. Even as I contemplate what I'm about to write, slight nervousness and tears seem imminent. When we say no to someone, does it mean we don't love them? When we tell someone we can't be what they want us to be, does that mean that our love is invalid? I took this question to the Holy Spirit.. and in the gentlest of ways, He assured me that sometimes, to say no, is the greatest of kindnesses. It's not easy to say no to someone.. Jesus said, that what we do unto the least of these, we do to Him (Matthew 24:25). As followers of Jesus, I fully believe it's our duty to feed the poor, clothe the naked and lead the oppressed to freedom in Jesus. My question is, are there times when doing something for someone actually infringes upon their growth as an individual (I'm referring to someone who has a relationship with Jesus)? I know I already know the answer to this question and even in knowing the answer, it is nonetheless awful to have to say no to a brother or sister in Christ. Very recently, I had to tell one of my friends that I couldn't be a close friend to them anymore. It's something I felt God was leading me to do for a while now, but I just couldn't do it for some reason. When someone puts you on a pedestal, it's even more difficult to say no because there is so much expectation.. there's a long way to fall from such a lofty place in someones heart or mind.

This friend believes that because I put a boundary up, that it means I don't care. The truth is, it's because I do care for them, that I won't allow them to continue putting me in such a high place in their life. If my friends' regard for me was free, easy, uncontrolled and full of grace - there would have been no need for a rigid boundary. But, as this was not the case, I had no other choice but to back away. Did it make me upset to have to say no? Yes. Did it make my friend upset that I said no? Yes. Can it really be the right decision if every one's upset? Yes. But what's the point??? Here's the deal: God's will is not dependent on our happiness. Sometimes He will ask us to do things we really don't "feel" like doing. Sometimes He will ask us to give up friendships, things, habits etc.. sometimes these things even appear very harmless. What's at the root of the issue? Doesn't it always come back to our heart? Our motivation? God's word says that man looks on the outward appearance, but "God looks at the heart" (Samuel 16:7). Our hearts are of vital importance to God, because out of the heart," flows the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).


God's design in everything is to take us to the place where we are functioning as one. Isn't that what the life of Jesus proved? Jesus said He did nothing apart from what the Father was doing. Although I'm far from being completely in sync with the Spirit, it is something I am trusting in Jesus for. It's something I need His grace to walk in. If there's something which impedes that function, or infringes on our growth or ability to be one with the Spirit, I think God usually puts His finger on it. We can ignore it for a long time, we can even refuse to acknowledge what the Spirit is saying.. but eventually, our relationship will be affected and we then aren't in perfect relationship with Jesus anymore. That's not something I want. I want relationship - perfect relationship with Him. I know I can't strive for that - I simply can just trust Him and surrender my all to Him, every day.

What does this have to do with my friend? Well, in surrendering my friend to God, I am surrendering another piece of my life and telling God that I want His best for my friend, and for myself. My friend took it as rejection, but if He asks God what He really thinks, I know he will hear the whispers of Gods love and His desire to bless him with His very best.

Through life's trials, the character of our hearts are revealed. When we don't get our way, when things don't work out like we wanted, something is shown of our hearts. It's often our perspective on what happens to us that affects the situation the most - and our hearts influence that perspective a significant amount. Through our perspective, the truth of what is actually in our hearts is revealed. Will we become unforgiving? Bitter? Fearful? Doubtful? Hateful? We can so easily become victims, believing that the "bad" things that happen to us are inherently "wrong". The truth is, that even "bad/unfavorable" things can produce beauty in us if we're willing to surrender our lives to Jesus. The truth is, God is love. The truth is, God loves us and promises that He will work everything for good - anything that is entrusted to Him, He will work through it for good.. even if it starts out as a slap in the face. For example, I've had a friend who treats me like I don't exist about 80% of the time right now. I've kept wondering why - I'd keep trying to find reasons for this treatment.. then suddenly, I realized that God is trying to teach me something. To walk in forgiveness and remain soft hearted towards this person, regardless of whether I feel like it or not is so difficult, yet that is what He requires. It's not something I naturally would like to do - but I know for a fact, that once I walk through this situation, my heart will be less calloused, less selfish and more understanding.. and in spite of the discomfort, I know it will be worth it in the end. If I take care of the posture of my heart towards my friend, God will take care of the posture of my friends heart towards life (and me).

I write this as much for my friends as I write it for myself. I pray that we can see what's truly in our hearts when life doesn't immediately hand us what it is we think we need/want. Maybe God has something He wants to show us or tell us. Although things don't always make logical sense when it comes to God - it makes sense to trust Him because He is 100% good, 100% love, 100% there for us. His word says that "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him”. (1 Corinthians 2:9) So, the next time life doesn't give you what you want, ask God what He's trying to show you? Ask Him where He is in your circumstance.. He is so faithful.. He will reveal it if we are willing to lay our pride down and give in to His perfect love.

when you're in love

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.
I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.
I am ashamed of my lack of desire.
O God, triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.
Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.
Begin in mercy a new work of love within me,
Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."
Then give me grace to follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

~A.W. Tozer

we are motivated out of fear or love. i want to be motivated by love. to experience how Jesus loves me - to give that away to others - then get more of His love. i have tasted a fraction of that, but i am starving for more! being motivated by fear is so debilitating.. and honestly, it's getting old. i am so hungry for God. i am so hungry for people who want to engage with this world, to impact it with His love. i want more of Your love God!

love comes from relationship; but if love is absent, fear takes over. relationships full of fear inevitably die.

'Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. and when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me'. p. 111 - Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

there is a crazy kind of love out there. it's a kind of love that defies all the odds.. the kind of love that people die for, the kind of love that heals people.. mystifies them and sets them free. this world leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. i'm awake and i'm unsatisfied. i'm hungry for more. i know i've been a sell out. i've prostituted myself to my culture and apathetic way of life. i've pretended that You don't require everything.

how did i wake up from this sleep? maybe it was in truly seeing myself. maybe it was seeing where i was headed.. the situations the majority of my friends are in. and i am broken and crying for something. something has to give. and i think that something has to be me. it finally hit me: i am free. so many things have held me down. so many distractions, so much oppression. but i just realized, that as i've been praying, He's been setting me free. as i've been asking for open eyes and ears.. wow. this is happening. and now i'm not scared of what it means to give it all for the right kind of love. Your love. whatever it takes. whatever it means. i'm running. i'm ready. i can't take this anymore. i can't stand still..

Jesus - let's go.

emotional affairs

I have often wondered what emotional affairs actually entail. Technically the term pertains to something that occurs within marriage, however, I believe this kind of affair occurs within the "just friends" type of relationship too. The thing is, a lot of people don't realize the damage they do to other people by having scattered emotions within their friendships. They pull many people of the opposite sex to them, thus gaining the benefits of a dating or marriage relationship without care or concern for what this will do to the hearts involved. One great point from the article below stresses this:

"How do others view your "friendships"? Ladies: might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would you want to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing, and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me."

I happen to agree with that quote a lot. I know for a fact that I would say no to any man who was "interested" in me if he has tons of super close girlfriends. What's the point of him having me around even; it's obvious that all his needs are already fulfilled by his many "girl friends". Furthermore, what about when we start dating? Would he be spending loads of time with his friends that are girls? How would this impact our relationship? If/when we got married, would he still meet these girl friends on a regular basis - could I even handle that? Nope. It's not jealousy, it's not mistrust - it's what I like to call the issue of adjuncts (adjunct: A person associated with another in a subordinate or auxiliary capacity). If there's supposed to be 8 people in one relationship then the whole concept of the covenant between Bridegroom & Bride makes absolutely no sense. God says that the covenant between a man and woman is sacred. God designed us to share our deepest hopes/dreams/emotions/time/energy with someone special (exclusively). How the heck do you keep that relationship special when you're spreading the most intimate and special things about who you are all over the place? Let me ask you this: If you have no emotional boundaries with sharing every part of yourself in your "just friends" relationships (even when you're dating/married), then what would then prevent you from sharing your partners' deepest emotions/dreams/desires too! That is so violating! It absolutely destroys the trust and integrity of the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with relating to your friends like you would your brother or sister. It's up to each individual to truly evaluate their intentions and desires towards any particular friendship/relationship to ensure it's kept in its rightful place. I think the most important thing is to BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FRIENDS. The Bible says that the heart is deceptive above all things! We tell ourselves things all the time that are completely untrue. One thing I'm learning is to trust God and not my heart because my heart lies to me. I was in a relationship for 5 years. This man fed me promises, and made me think I was special to him, he kept things as "just friends" and led me to believe he was very interested in me through talking about marriage and spending lots of time with me. These things are ok in dating relationships but in fact, it was very wrong: because he knew I loved him and we were "just friends". When you know that someone loves you and is giving you the best of themselves, then be clear with them. Instead of being clear with me that he had no intention of loving me back, the man I was involved with allowed me to continue loving him. Personally, I think this is the epitome of selfishness. If he had been clear and said, "I don't love you and I never will" I could've walked away at a much earlier point. He obviously knew that I would walk away if he told me this, so he continued to lead me on and told me lies. Although what he did was inexcusable, he was not solely to blame. For my part, I should have been extra clear about how he felt about me earlier. I should have not allowed him to spend so much time with me one-to-one, and I shouldn't have shared my heart with him because he definitely was not capable of creating a safe place for it. He had many friends that were girls even when we were involved - this was a red flag but I ignored it. To this day I don't know how many other relationships he had "on the go" while we were together as I only found out about some of them. I know for a fact that there were other girls who were wounded by this man who preferred to keep his all of relationships secret and on a "just friends" basis. Red flags are there for a reason. If someone has an issue(s) that they've proven time and again, to have no intention of working on - then it's time to walk away. More often than not, people will not change for the better, once you are dating and/or married.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not one of those girls who "just wants to get married". That's not why I wrote this. I don't care if I get married or not. One thing I do care about is guarding the most precious places in my heart and saving them for two people: Jesus and, if I get married: my husband. Fortunately, Jesus has healed my heart and restored it to me even after a very painful relationship. Since He has been so faithful to me, I want to be faithful to Him and my potential husband. I want to honour my husband by not giving away the most amazing pieces of who I am to someone who's only in it for the emotional boost. Consequently, I'm purposing to not allow myself to go into friendships with men who are emotional vampires. Furthermore, I want to be the type of friend to my male friends who is clear about how I feel about them, and not let them think my regard for them is anything other than that of a sister. This isn't about trying to control someone else. All you can do is take care of where you stand. If someone wants to be an emotional vampire, that's their choice - you don't have to stick around. If someone has feelings for you and you don't have feelings for them, it's up to you to be honest. If you have feelings for someone, then don't drag it out forever and ever - just be honest. It's not the end of the world if things don't work out the way you wanted them to. Really, it comes down to the position of your heart, honour, respect and some good, old-fashioned honesty.

The great thing about the article below is that it in no way says men and women can't be friends (in fact it encourages true friendship). Moreover, it gives clear, Biblical reasons for why emotional affairs are dangerous. In "just friends" friendships, one party involved usually ends up feeling taken advantage of: one person (and occasionally both) usually has feelings that go beyond the classification of friendship. That's no one's fault: however, it's only fair for people to be honest. Personally, I believe that if men and women don't figure out why emotional affairs are dangerous before they enter a dating relationship or get married - there's a catastrophe waiting to happen. Much uncertainty/confusion is bred if this issue remains overlooked. Although the article below doesn't give absolute directions on what to do if you find you are the type of person perpetuating (or in a "just friends/emotional affair" relationship) I think you will still be able to glean truth from it and take the situation to God. I know I'm going for the jugular with this one, but it's a lesson I had to learn the hard way, and I definitely never want to be put in the same type of situation again. One final comment: I believe God wants His best for each of us.. If we want His best, we can't allow ourselves to squander our time, dreams and emotions on people who don't care for our hearts or have clear, solid emotional boundaries within their relationships.

to read the article called "Just Friends" go to:

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001475.cfm

running

Too many words, too many lies
I can't quite see the truth
When I look into your eyes
I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running

You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be deceived
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice

I don't know, I really don't know
If this castle in the sand
Is strong enough to stand

Clouds come down

I feel I could
And I know I should
Step away, turn around
Let my feet hit the ground
Running


You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
We don't need to be decieved
To know a lie can be spoken
We don't have to learn everything twice

I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running


You don't need a broken heart
To know a heart can be broken
You just need to open your eyes
And we don't need a TV show
To show us which way to go
We just need to do what we know is right

Running by Evermore.

what does this have to do with anything? straight up: i wish i would just open my eyes. i want to see even if it means pain, brokenness, suffering - loss. i wish the truth were easier to speak.. regardless, i will endeavor to elaborate. i wish people weren't so afraid of their own lies. why is it that we don't just surrender to what we know is right, true and good? why is there such a fight? we run away from the truth.. but are our lies any less painful? our FEAR is everywhere - and we formulate constant distractions in order to cope. we would laugh if someone simply said that the fight comes down to one thing: self.. but it's true. our fight is with our self-absorbed self. the apostle Paul called himself a wretched man - and i can completely identify with that statement. i am wretched. i look at Jesus' sacrifice and i think, well - that was Jesus, that's ok for him, he is the son of God after all - but this is me we're talking about. WHAT? come again? whose standard am i thinking within when i think something like that? Gods'? no way! it's the worlds' standard. the world says save yourself, save your time, your love, your life, your money, keep it, keep it, keep it all. get that job, become successful, live the dream, have that house, the picket fence, the spouse of your dreams... and it's a massive trap. not that any of those things are bad in and of themselves, but when they become the DREAM - they become our TREASURE.. where our treasure is, there are hearts will be also. the world says, "don't count the cost of following Christ - pretend that you didn't know, pretend you were unaware. pretend like giving less than 100% is what Christ requires of you". i am so sick of thinking that way. i am so tired of believing ridiculous lies that cheapen the sacrifice God made for me.. of a living in a culture that just perpetuates the lies i am trying so hard to break free from.

North America doesn't think it needs God. but we are dying inside. loneliness, brokenness, we are so blinded by our own distractions. if we were quiet with ourselves, what would we hear ourselves say? we are deaf and blind to ourselves and the world around us. open your eyes. open your ears. ask God to show you. then tell me what you see.

a couple of months ago i told God "whatever it takes, there will be no walls between us".. yesterday/today/now i have reached the point of surrender (again, in a whole new way). nothing this world can offer me can compare to being in love with Jesus. on my way home last night i was listening to this song by Misty Edwards.. and through it, i found my heart connecting deeply again to His true love. my heart belongs to Jesus. it is wrapped up in His heart. it felt so good to remember that and to sing this as loud as i could

I will waste my life I'll be tested and tried
With no regrets inside of me to find I'm at Your feet

I'll leave my father's house and I'll leave my mother
I'll leave all I have known and I'll have no other

I am in love with You There is no cost
I am in love with You There is no loss
I am in love with You I want to take Your name
I am in love with You I want to cling to You Jesus
Just let me cling to You Jesus

I'll say goodbye to my father my mother
I'll turn my back on every other lover and
I'll press on, yes I'll press on...

i've been thinking about the world. i've been asking myself what it would take to get me to blatantly walk out of Gods will for my life? it hit me all of a sudden - i've become numb to the rawness of who God is and His heart for His children. i've been thinking a lot about the third world. i've casually thought that there might be one or two things that could persuade me to stay here and forget about living completely abandoned to Gods' will. yesterday i really listened to what that means. that means that i essentially have been telling myself that i would be willing to live apart from God's perfect will and then would inadvertently be inviting others to do the same!!! wow.

and here i am, once again, counting the cost. i've thought about being alone. i've thought about never getting married. never having children. not seeing my family again. in spite of those things, finally, i am unafraid. the truth is - nothing is as beautiful as Him. nothing is as worthy as Him. nothing is as lovely, as true, as selfless, as good. no job, school, family or relationship. Jesus says to count the cost of following Him before we step out and walk His way. i have been so afraid. i have believed the lie that to uphold the standard that God is calling me to will prevent me from experiencing my "rights" in life.. these are our rights as defined by the self: i have a right to a job, a family, a husband, success as defined by the "North American dream" etc. but these rights are temporal, meaning they won't last beyond my last breath.. in my opinion, the self is a sell-out, a home-wrecker, a cheap, lazy, self-protective doubter that has no place in me. will i live for the temporary or the eternal? to challenge the North American dream/self in who i am inevitably scares other people (and myself). abandonment to God that is wreckless and doesn't sustain the self is intimidating. lately, i've told myself that no one wants someone like me around: if i were to be as hardcore as i know God is calling me to be. i'd lose friends. i am losing friends. i have amazing times with my friends, but i keep asking myself WHERE IS THE PASSION for the things of God!? WHO ARE WE LIVING FOR anyways? i am desperately seeking someone, anyone who is longing for the things of God.

can i stand before God and say i didn't know? can i stand before Him and tell Him that His love just wasn't enough? he gave 100% for me. what will i give to Him? 25%? 76%? 91%? what will be enough? how will i justify myself when i stand before Him, face to face? i know i won't be able to open my mouth to speak. unspeakable love will saturate me. and even though i know the completeness of His love - that He is in no way disappointed in me - even that knowledge of His love won't prevent me from being disappointed in myself.

INCREDIBLE LOVE. why did Peter ask to share in the suffering of Christ? BECAUSE HE LOVED HIM with every fiber of his being! because he wasn't willing to give anything less than all he had to the One who had given EVERYTHING to him... and he looked upon it as pure JOY to be able to suffer with his beloved! i don't even know what else to say. i want that. i want that joy. i want to be able to laugh at the world and say, "you have no hold on me - i am my Beloveds' and He is mine and His banner over me is LOVE"!!!

are we willing to lose our lives pertaining to the self in order to gain the life of Christ? are we willing to stop asking what's in it for us? is true love worth an entire life? to some people it won't be. but to me, true love is worth my entire life. there is no cost, there is no loss.. only an eternal love that is truer than life and more powerful than death.


29"I tell you the truth," Jesus replied, "no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel 30 will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. 31 But many who are first will be last, and the last first." Mark 10:29-31

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25


He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Matthew 10:37

Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. I tell you, on that night there will be two in one bed; one will be taken and the other will be left. Luke 17:33-34

resistance or resilience

resistance or resilience?
no matter how it happens
then or now
i will break me
or you will
brokenness is still the same
closed or open
exposed or concealed
vulnerability is inevitable
the shield of men is futile
i can't fight this
the cloud. the wall: it's all i have
i can look out the window all i want
my heart won't shrink
it's all there.
pushing against a force so strong
what of fear, trust, love?
we will build our house with them
still, my heart will explode or die.
won't you lay your armor down
long enough to say all the things
you're trying not to say
the softer the touch of your hand
your heart
the more it feels like knives and thorns
could rip me to shreds
it sounds morbid
but don't be kind
in the end i will thank you
slice away.
i can't win this war.
will i choose it?
contemplation beckons me to come
i want to hold the pain in my arms
the cuts can bleed
crush every bone
until there is nothing left to break
beaten unrecognizable:
that would be just.
Your sacrifice was more committed
more true
real and vulnerable than the feeble
gesture we tell ourselves is love
i can't possibly comprehend Your pain
Your bravery, Your strength and fortitude.
Your tears. Your tears. i watch them fall
whose love can compare to Yours?
You won this war so that I didn't have to
You chose the unforgivable sorrow
of unspeakable pain.
hell tormented You and yet You smiled
You saw each of us: hearts behind walls
veils and shadows: clouds and rain
and You chose the pain
so that we could sit here,
beneath the shadow of Your wings
and laugh at the things to come...

come up here

where is your heart??
i found it in the sand
it was in the dust
though circumstance brought it back to you
it remains lifeless

they say that love must use you
like that is a given - all the time
but i have seen something truer
and loved one as blind

i've given love
i've given love
i've given love

i saw you in your room today
enclosed in all your tears
it makes me hate them for what they did to you
even more when you tell me not to care

dissecting truth, breaking apart shadows
your heart exists in memories
no recognition of it now..
this punishment for trust
shattering, stripping, twisting the beauty away

i need the things that they took
telling them to give them back relentlessly
only increases their apathy
distance fills your mind with thoughts
a space and time full of regret

you've given love
you've given love
you've given love

how can i lose your heart
when it isn't in your chest?
it is an orphaned child
beating: forgotten in emptiness

shadows, graves and lies
sorrows' reflection remains to entice us
it leads us down a sullen road
where drunken men cling to the cracks in the walls.

don't say you'll regret your decision
or pretend you can't see that far
my heart beats open and exudes the confidence uncommon
.. love restrained

i am standing at the waters edge now
where are you?
do you think i am afraid to see you like this?
the anchor drops -
you are not alone.

i can see through the lies in your teeth
fear will choke love of its breath
vulnerability lives in light
found in brokenness...

there is a choice in these hands
can i see the value of it?
thoughts rest in silence
this calm hope
watching, waiting, trusting

the flower blossoms painfully
the sunlight caresses the sky
the tree that lives in you stands to meet the stars

will the truth capsize and sink beneath these waves?
forbidden and alone
tell me why love is pain
if it makes it easier to walk away

lies dissipate in the air,
the ashes of fear and hate disintegrating
floating to the ground
through tears - running...

barricades and time bombs hail from the sky
pandemonium inspires no emotion
fear means nothing: your hand rests in mine

all i can see in this moment is you
is love.
the sound of laughter echoes in your eyes

what else can i call it? selfishness is selfishness.

i am a moody person. or something. yesterday i was sick (i have a cold). and anyways, things were pretty much crappy (or so i was thinking to myself) and i was tired and miserable. i went to bed last night feeling kind of chapped because i was sick (nothing like feeling sick to promote a little self-pity). 

my friend sent me this song he wrote today.. as i listened to it i thought, DANG!!! and it smacked my heart and my head into focusing on Jesus..  his song talks about being the light of the world, letting our light shine before men so they can see our good deeds and glorify God because of them. and even though it was the simplest verse - it shook me, and was in essence a wake up call i most definitely needed. 

ever since i got back from Guatemala this summer i've slowly been getting less and less sensitive to the things that really matter. i was so shocked when i came home: i often thought, "is this seriously the way i used to live"? i was disgusted with myself, the things i used to do. i ached because of the way i was living before i went there. i remember the last thing that Al (a development worker in Guatemala) told me as i was boarding the shuttle to the airport to come back home to Canada.. he said, "be an ambassador of what you have seen and heard".. have i been that ambassador? have i stood for the truth? or have i been growing more selfish as the days go by? the answer is what hurts the most, the truth hurts. i have been less selfish, less of the things i used to be.. but it still isn't enough. it's not enough. 

there are families in Guatemala that live in huts made of sticks and garbage bags. they have one pair of underwear, one ripped t-shirt and no shoes. some people have one meal a day - maybe only every few days. 

North America.. North America.. will our eyes always be so blind? will our ears always be so deaf? will our hearts always be so hard? we turn our regard for the brokenness of others on and off like the tv. some days we care, other days we don't... some days we allow God in, other days we keep Him out.. oh what tempermental lovers we are.. how many other loves we have besides Him.  i am not satisfied with that. i will not be content in that.. i want Him to be my first love, my only love.. 

is my light growing dim? i drown as i watch my own selfishness taking precedence. how it creeps in so slowly... so slowly. i can see Jesus weeping in the corner. the pain of the nations stricken by disease, poverty and torment breaking His heart. and i can only wonder what breaks His heart more: the pain of those nations, or the fact that North Americans make a mockery of that pain on a daily basis?

i never want to forget what you have given me. i never want to forget what is important, what matters. Jesus: don't let me forget. 

when i don't get what i want -  my own perverse desire for instant gratification is an indication of my depravity.. when i begin to think that something "sucks" in North American terms: remind me.. remind me of Elgwyn and Ramiro and their mud hut. remind me of Sarai, Ronnie and Franklin.. and millions of children like them worldwide suffering from parasites, malnutrition, abuse and broken homes: these, Your children - break my heart for them.. 

where is my head at? where is my heart at? my own superficiality infuriates me!!!! and in my disgust, i am drawn to You. i am drawn to stop focusing on meaningless things, on insignificant distractions and relationships.. let Your light shine again. i purpose to be a vessel that doesn't impede the flow of Your love.. 

Jesus, this is the power of Your light in us: to stand for justice, to love peace, and to walk humbly with You, our God.. to defend orphans and widows, to love the poor and fatherless.. to partner with Your Spirit as you bind up the brokenhearted and heal all of their wounds.. 

if i have one prayer right now, it is that You would keep my heart raw for these things: to love what You love, and hate what You hate... in that, i know that i can never forget what really matters.